Lie to Me

Back to the street where we began, feeling as good as…
You should be sleeping, Frankie… Sleep with me, my love…

“Hello?” He says, in a sleepy voice; I can tell he’s looking over at me, trying to find out if I’m awake. Breathe steady, Frankie; don’t blink. Just like that. “Green light, babe; he’s asleep.” He sighs, falling back onto the mattress, relaxed. “Yes, I’m sure, honey…” Silence; I understand he’s hearing what the other person is saying. “I miss you too, darling...” More silence. Why can’t you just turn off that goddamned phone, hug me and sleep again? “Yes, I know; it’ll be great. It’s gonna be our best night ever; I can’t wait!” He answers to the person on the phone, excitement filling his voice. I never heard him get this excited about a night with me… “Yeah, you better do it; our baby needs to sleep too.” He says, and I can sense he moved his head towards me; I don’t know what his face is like, but I’m pretty sure he can see how stiff I am. Our baby? Oh, my love, what have you done? “Bye, sweety, talk to you tomorrow. I love you” he whispers, and I can sense the smile on his face as he says so.

After he hangs up, he turns his back on me, and I can feel his relaxed body get even more comfortable on the bed as he falls asleep; a single tears escapes my eye as he does so. How ‘bout we just pretend your cell-phone didn’t even ring?

X~x

The bed beside me is moving; he’s getting up. He opens the door, closing it after a few seconds. I hear him descend the stairs. The coast is free, Frankie. This is your chance.

I open my eyes and quickly look over at my clock, on my cell-phone; it’s four in the morning. I quickly get up from my bed, being careful enough to not make any sound, and make the way I knew Gerard had made. I stop beside the bathroom, hearing moans come from inside; oh, God.

“Mm… so good… argh…” I hear him say, his sexy voice sickening me as I hear him moan. If I was there with him, those would be the most amazing sounds I had ever hear; but I wasn’t, and that thought alone made everything seem so disgusting. Why don’t you like me anymore, Gerard?

I tiptoe rapidly onto my bed, crawling under the covers, hiding my face on bottom of them; I hear the door open, and I quickly loose my grip on them, pretending to be asleep again. Yes, Frank, keep up your act; you won’t ruin what you have.

“Yes, he’s still asleep… Thank God, I didn’t want him to burden me with his questions, now” he says, from the doorframe; I hear the door click shut again, and him going down the stairs once again. How about we just pretend that I wasn’t on the other side of the door, listening to everything?

As I feel safe enough, I cry. I cry until my eyes feel like popping out of my own skull, so much they hurt from all those tears that I shed onto my watered pillow; hours passed by, and not for one second I stopped crying. I wasn’t sobbing anymore, but the tears still sled down my cheeks as I checked my phone again. Six forty-five; it was at that time that he got in the room again. He crept back in at six-forty-five, his back once again facing me; this time, though, my back was turned at his too. Tell me it was just a dream.

X~x

I just wanna be numb. I don’t wanna feel a thing.

That’s my first thought, in the morning, when my alarm starts sounding; The Misfits are sounding through the room, but I don’t wanna listen to them anymore. I don’t wanna wake up. I don’t wanna leave my comfortable bed. I don’t want reality; actually, reality stinks. I’d much rather just stay in bed, dreaming of clouds going through my world, rain pouring down on me as I walked a very lonely road; oh, wait. I could just say that those dreams were my reality; I had never felt more alone in my life. Not even when I used to get beat up at school, had I ever felt that alone; I could trust no one, at that moment. My long-time boyfriend was cheating on me; why had he done that? You’re not good enough, Frankie; but, still, pretend that it’s all fine. Just pretend.

“Frankie, come on, time to get up; work won’t wait for you, babe” Gerard says, turning to face my back; I feel his arm sneak over my body, as he kisses the back of my neck. The once sweet names he calls me disgust me; it disgusts me that his dirty hand is caressing my waist, like I’m his fucking cat. Look what you did, Frankie; you’re not good enough. This is all your fault. Now, you have to pretend, for your own sake.

“ ‘morning, Gerard” I say, not as sweetly as the other days; yes, I’d pretend, but it didn’t mean I had forgiven, and forgotten, him. “You can take your shower first, today” I say, snuggling a little bit away from him, holding the covers closer to my tiny body; he doesn’t seem to notice my distance towards him, though. You don’t even notice me anymore; what happened to us?

“Okay, honey” he says, and I fight back the bile that’s raising to my throat. “DON’T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!”, I wanna scream; I don’t do it, though. I’m just there, waiting for him to leave.

After he leaves, I take some minutes to knock some sense into my mind, taking deep breaths; when I feel like I can handle the first day of the eternal pretend I just put myself in, I get up. I go down onto the kitchen, and I hear him shut his phone; ask? Don’t ask?

“Who were you talking to?” I ask, as if it is just curiosity. It is so much more, Gerard; if only you knew that I know…

“Kimberly” he replies; of course he’d use his best friend as an excuse. It’s better this way, though. Tell me another lie, Gerard.

“Oh, okay; if she calls again, tell her I sent one hug” I say, as I make my way out of the kitchen, not wanting to break down in front of him; I just wanted to forget about last night.

The water in my shower is cold; I don’t want it to be warmer, though. Cold water always seems to comfort me, in some way; it’s not working, today, but at least I’m getting another pain to focus, instead of my aching broken heart. How can something be so broken and out of place, and still be beating and hurting so much?

I get out of the shower, drying quickly and dressing up just as quick; I needed to get out of that house, if I ever wanted to feel a little bit free. I didn’t want that pressure of pretending to keep forcing me downwards to an unending black hole where I was freefalling; I just wanted some relief.

I make my way to the kitchen again, totally dressed this time, and I see the massive breakfast Gerard prepared for us; sorry, honey, but liars don’t fit well with breakfast. I just take one toast from one of the dishes, putting it into my mouth as I’m walking away from the kitchen; Gerard calls me when I’m almost on the hallway, and I turn around slowly.

“Aren’t you gonna eat, honey?” He asks, eyebrows rose up on his forehead; oh, now you worry about me?

“No; I’m running late, sorry” I say strictly, not wanting to waste any of my precious time with such… scum.

“Oh… want me to go lunch with you, baby?” He asks, a small smile playing on his lips, as his eyes look at me, hope filling every inch of those.

“No.” It’s my answer, as I hurry on my way out. Please don’t follow me, please don’t follow me, please…

“Frank!” He calls out from the front door, when I’m already at my car’s door; I turn to him, and his smirking at me. “Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?” He asks, trying to seduce me, or something; I go to him and peck him on the lips for less than a second, hurrying back to me car. He’s standing there, looking at me confused. Oh, now you need me? Now you want my kisses?

I drive off to my work; at least, at the record/music store I’ll be able to forget my drama at home. Or at least, I thought.

“Oh, hi Frank!” Mikey says as he enters the store, smiling widely at me; I give him a small wave back from behind the counter. “So, how’s Gerard going? I haven’t seen him in weeks!” He says, excited for talking to me; how’s Gerard going? Just fine; he’s in love, and about to be a parent. Now how am I doing? I feel like shit; I feel like he ate me, digested me, and now is throwing me away. I feel like I’m just some kind of trash people walk through every day.

“He’s doing fine, Mikey; and, you know, you’ve been there last week, it’s not that much of a time” I say sarcastically; it isn’t my usual sarcasm, though. Normally, I’ll joke around with Mikey, always with a smile on my face; today, though, my face is serious and my eyes aren’t in a joking way. Even he can see that.

“Whoa, man; what’s up with you?” He asks, leaning on the counter; I sit on the chair that I’m destined to sit at when I’m tired, and I look at the ceiling. Think of a lie, Frank… Come on!

“Sorry, Mikes; I’m just very tired… Maybe I’m working a bit too much, I don’t know” I say, sighing as I look at the boring ceiling; at least, a boring ceiling is more pleasurable to look at than Mikey’s face.

“Man, you should take a break, or something; you’re getting way too serious! I want funny Frankie back!” Mikey whines, like a little kid; his blonde hair is going around as he moves his head around, like he’s looking for something.

“Meh, I should; but I can’t. I really need the money, Mikey, if I ever want to make it on my own” I say, sighing once again; I get up from the chair I’m sitting at, and motion for Mikey to follow me onto a place I know he’ll like.

“You know Gerard wouldn’t let you starve or anything, if you didn’t have money, don’t you?” He asks, trying to cheer me up. I don’t money from a liar.

“I know, Mikes, but I can’t have him sustaining me all the way onto my grave; I can be independent” I tell him, not completely lying; all that I said was true, there, but I guess that I just hid some of the truth from him as well.

“Okay, okay! Oh, look, I love that bass over there!” He says as he moves over to it, instantly picking it up and strumming a few notes on it; I looked at him as he played the bass, not really able to smile, but at least easing up a bit the pain twisting inside of my chest. After a few minutes, though, Mikey looked at his clock, getting up instantly. “Shit. I gotta go, dude; see you ‘round” he said, putting the bass back on its place, and instantly leaving the store. Maybe next time you see me I’ll be in a coffin, without my heart, Mikey.

X~x

The day went on without important events; some costumers on the store, nothing really essential.

I went home, dreading for the moment I saw Gerard, but also wanting some rest; I drove slowly, stopping several times on my way there to bang my head against the steering wheel, for being such a fucking fucked-up and not satisfying my long-term boyfriend… I had led him to cheat on me; I wasn’t good enough. You’ll never be good enough, Frankie; you just have to keep pretending.

When I got home, it was already dinner time; I didn’t know if Gerard had made something, but I really couldn’t care less. All I wanted was to sleep away all my pain; I wanted a sweet haven of dreams. Only that.

I open the front door, and I’m greeted with a very smiling Gerard; I don’t smile back, though, but that doesn’t discourage him.

“I made dinner for us, baby” he says, leading me by my shoulders onto the kitchen; when I see the table, I freeze, unable to hold those tears back anymore. Those traitors start falling from my eyes, calling for Gerard as they scream on their freedom; when he sees them, he smiles even wider. You like watching me cry? Is that it? “Oh, honey, you don’t need to cry; it’s just a little present for you” he says to me, as he hugs me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder. So, he think these are happy tears… I can’t take it anymore. I slip away from his embrace, more tears falling down my cheeks.

“Gerard, I heard you last night… On the bathroom…” As I mention this, his face goes a very bright red, and he looks at the floor. “And on the cell-phone.” I finish, and he looks confused at me; then, he looks disappointed. “Why, Gerard? Why did you ruin us like that? Why would you fucking cheat on me?” I scream at him; he looks taken aback by my harsh throaty screams, and his eyes go wide when I say the word ‘cheat’.

“Cheat? Frank, I’m not cheating on you!” He says, putting out some jazz hands, like I’m going to fucking arrest him, or something. Tell me another lie.

“I don’t wanna know what I know to be true, Gerard, but it is…” I say, my voice no longer loud and raw, but it’s just a saddened whisper… “Baby, I need desperately to believe you… Tell me another lie…” And now, I’m begging that he lies to me, because I can’t bear with the feeling of losing him, but I also don’t wanna be with someone that cheats on me. I just… I don’t wanna feel so alone.

“Frankie… Frankie, baby, I’m not lying to you… I’m not cheating on you!” He says, as I crawl onto his arms, my body shaking, as my tears make their way out of my puffy eyes; I feel like beating the living shit out of him, but I am hugging him for dear life. I’m such a fucked-up kid. “You got it all wrong, honey… Just… just come to our room, and you’ll understand everything, baby…” he says as he drags me with him up the stairs onto a room that I had had so much pain in, just in one night.

He opens the door to me, and I’m amazed at how different it looks; the once black bed-covers are now bright red, black rose petals covering not only the bed, but also the floor around it. There’s a medium-sized box on the bed, and I have the sensation that it is moving, but I say nothing; I’m just a crazy mind on an insane body.

“Yesterday, it was Kimberly on the phone… She was helping me prepare all this for you, Frankie…” Gerard says as he lets go of me, letting me explore the room for myself; I don’t move, though. There’s still something bugging my mind.

“What about ‘your baby’?” I ask, still looking at the room in front of me; I hear Gerard sigh and I can hear him chuckle as well, and I turn to him, confused.

“It’s not mine and Kimberly’s; it’s ours” he says, pointing between the two of us; was he pregnant? “Baby, go open that present on the bed” he commands, and, despite how confused I am, I go, curiosity taking over me.

When I arrive there, the box moves a little bit, scaring me at first; when Gerard chuckles, I move again and quickly open the box. Inside of that box it’s the most beautiful thing ever; a little puppy. He’s black and beige, and he’s barking at me, and jumping and I have no other choice but to pick him up, smiling towards that cute little ball of energy; as I hug him close to my face, he licks my cheek, making me chuckle for a bit.

I feel Gerard getting closer to us, tears picking at his eyes as he looks at the scene in front of him, and I pass him the little dog, not wanting to make him feel like he didn’t belong.

“This is our little baby, Frankie” he says, and I instantly feel guilt settling on my stomach, looking at his teary face. “I’m sorry if I led you to think I was cheating on you… I’m so sorry, Frankie…”

As I looked at his face, I understood that all that I had imagined, was only that; an imagination that flied to high. Gerard would never cheat on me; I had let my insecurities take over me, and had had a lot of pain because of that. I had let that little irritating voice inside my head take over control, and that did nothing but hurt me in the deepest.

“No, I’m sorry for thinking you’d cheat on me… I should’ve trust you, but I had a voice inside my head that kept telling me that I wasn’t good enough, and… I’m sorry, Gerard. I’m so, so sorry” I say, walking one step closer to him; he put our dog on the ground, opening his arms for me. I quickly made my way onto his embrace, holding him the most tightest possible, never wanting to let go; he let go of me, though, and I pouted at me.

He smiled towards me and sweetly kissed me, for two seconds or so, then letting go of me completely, kneeling in front of me; my eyes went wide, and his smile doubled size.

“Frankie… you know what day is today?” He asked, smiling at me; I narrowed one of my eyebrows, and he chuckled. “16th May…” he continues, and my eyes open up a lot more than before, and a smile creeps onto my face.

“Oh!” I say, and he smiles at me.

“Frank Anthony Thomas Iero, five years ago, we compromised to each other, after many messed up shit that went through… You were with me through the worst and the best, and I helped you in those sorrowful times of yours, and smiled with you through the happy days… We have bounds that are stronger than anything else in this world, and you know that nothing could break them… not even our cute little dog with his teeth” he says, as our baby jumps onto his lap, licking his face; he gets it on the ground again, and looks back up at me. “And, now, I want to make us even stronger; I want to be with you in any way possible, and there’s only one way that we’re missing… So, Frankie, will you marry me?”

I don’t need a huge answer to let him know how I feel; I don’t need nothing more than a sweet gaze, a tear sliding down my cheek, a smile shinning in the darkest of the nights, a unspoken promise to be his forever. I don’t need to move my lips until theirs are on top of mine, kissing me fiercely and lovingly, brushing our soft silky heavens against each other, only stopping when we needed air; not that I’d care if I died in my love’s arms, but I wanted to live so much more beside him…

He caught the opportunity of not being in a middle of a kiss with me, to get a little box from his back pocket, opening it and taking off a beautiful necklace; it had nothing more than a normal locker, but it meant the world to me, since he had the key to it around his neck, hanging loosely above his chest. I smiled as he put it on me, kissing him briefly afterwards.

This time, though, we didn’t stop for air; we started walking backwards to our bed, and, just as we were about to fall against the mattress, our little dog jumped at us, attaching itself to our bodies as we laughed against each other’s lips.

“Sweet-Pea” I said, out of nowhere; Gerard looked at me confused, and I laughed a bit at him, not really caring if we wouldn’t do anything sexual, tonight. I just wanted to be with him, even if just hugging him; that was enough for me.

“What?” He asked, after a while; I let go of his arms and put the dog on the ground, making him jump up and down the room, all around us.

“Sweet-Pea, come to daddy!” I said, and the dog instantly threw its tiny body onto my arms, licking my face. “Who’s a good boy?” I asked, in a kind of voice that you hear parents use when talking to their babies; Gerard giggle for a while, and then came to hug me and Sweet-Pea, kissing my forehead.

“Sweet-Pea it is, then.”