Just Say When

I look up to the sky and take a deep breath. I reach back and start fiddling with my hair. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. Um. One, the first one, was eight months, and his name was David. The other was eleven months, and his name was Adrian." I press my lips together as I feel myself going back.

I'm 13, and just ending junior high. My best friend, David, comes up to me and grabs my
hand, and I'm surprised. "Hey," I smile, squeezing his hand, trying to play it cool when I
can feel my cheeks heating up. "What's this all about?" I laugh. Dave wasn't older than me
but sometimes it felt like he was...he knew a lot more about sex and things like that than I
did.

He smirks. "Come on, we're gonna go to my house today." His hand is at the back of my
neck, guiding me a little more forcefully than I'd like. It's uncomfortable. I didn't have a
problem with the hand-holding, but I wasn't ready to go to his house, let alone meet his
family.

I laugh nervously shaking him off, "Uh, I have to go home today. Sorry." I turn before he
can protest and lose myself in the crowd of students. Later that night, he calls, like he
does every night. He's oh so sweet, but he's different. I don't know what's up with him.

He asks me out, and I, without hesitation, say yes. What I didn't know was that I wasn't
ready for any type of relationship. I mean, for a while it was nice to be held and feel
wanted, but the pressure to do things was too much.

He always wanted more, he wanted to make out and do other things, and I was too young
and too nervous and too scared. But, I stayed for eight months until we were halfway
through freshman year. He'd hit me, saying it'd been way too long, and that he wanted me.

It was a terribly tough time, but just then, a new guy (seemingly prince charming) comes
in to sweep me off my feet. He's no prince charming at all. He was ten times worse than
David, but he...made stuff easier for me. School was easier, people were paying attention
to me, and inviting us to parties. It all seemed so amazing, until he started to force me...
I couldn't take it, couldn't let it happen, no matter how popular I was, or how easy life
seemed. And he was finally gone. I haven't trusted anyone since.

I explained all of that to Alex and continued, "I...don't know why I've let so many people just push me around like that... I feel weak for it." I can't meet his eyes.

He guides my chin up so I have to face him, and he kisses me. Just barely. A light brush, but his lips feel perfect against mine. Soft, and perfect size. I break away first.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I can't. I just can't." I say, amazed at my courage to actually walk away...

But maybe he shouldn't be the one I'm walking away from.