You Can Run Away With Me Anytime You Want

After getting two hours of sleep, I woke up.
And the depression was worse.
So, so much worse.

My eyes opened, and all I saw was black for a few seconds. Then my sight cleared, but everything still had a black tinge to it.
All the venomous that hadn't haunted my fragile mind for the last few weeks reappeared, prominent and deathly. They clouded out my thoughts of Frank, of the fun we had, of the way he made me feel. They killed all that, replacing them with hate and despair and pain. All I could remember was life before Frank, the horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of being hated by everyone, of having to face another day alive, knowing that it was going to be filled with misery like the last.

Tears streamed down my face, cold and fast, wetting my cheeks. I couldn't sumon up the strength to move my arm and wipe my face. I was pyschically unable.
Mikey came in and told me I had to get up for school. All I told him was 'I can't' and he walked out. Those had been our code words when I was depressed, when couldn't go to school. He recognised them, asked me if I was OK, to which I replied 'I will be' and he closed my door quietly, like he always did.

No, this couldn't happen again, I couldn't let myself fall into this pattern again of letting depression take me over, of letting it become my life. I wouldn't.
But there was no way I could face school, face Frank, the perfect boyfriend, I couldn't face him seeing me like this, I was so inadequate it disgusted me.

Frank came round later. I heard the door open, and Frank ask Mikey if I was OK. Mikey told him that I was, and would he like to see me. Frank asked if Mikey was sure, would I want to see him, which was ridiculous; of course I wanted to see him. Mikey snorted and said that he was pretty sure I'd be OK with it. He said it would cheer me up. I heard Frank say thanks and walk upstairs.
Suddenly my stomach lurched, my palms started to sweat and my knees weakened.
Why was I nervous to see Frank?
Now I really was the world's worst boyfriend.

Frank knocked on my door, which seemed very uncharacteristic of him. I shouted yeah, and he told me it was Frankie. I smiled at little at him calling himself Frankie.
The door opened, but I didn't turn around to see him. I needed to wait to see him. I'd been imagining him all day, trying to thrust his image to the forefront of my mind, to beat the black clouds.
Frank's beautiful face came into my view as he walked to my bedside and looked at me concerned. He pulled the chair up from the corner of the room and sat right next to me.

"What's up with my Gee baby, 'ey?" Frank whispered right to my face, making butterflies flutter in my stomach, and a few of the clouds that inhabited my brain fade away.
"I don't know, Frankie. I woke up and I was- Like this. Like I was, right before I met you. I'm not sick, I'm- I'm depressed again and I don't know why. I have you now, I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm so mad at myself for letting this happen" I cried, and Frank held my head in his arms.
"Hey, you don't have any control over it. You don't make yourself depressed, baby, its that part of your brain, that's all. Baby, please, don't cry" He shushed, pulling me to his chest.
"I can't help it. How can I cry when you're here?" I weeped, my tears wetting Frank's shirt.
Franks grip loosened, and he let go of me.
I hated everything then, and my heart sunk some more, my tears becoming thicker.
The duvet lifted up, and I felt a small body crawl inside. A pair of warm hands grabbed my shoulders and turned my around. They pulled me into his chest and his arms curled around my body.
Then I really started to cry.

Why was I so fucked up? Why, when I had something so great that was truly mine, did I become depressed and ignore it? Frank was the best person in the world to even have as a friend, let alone a boyfriend. Why was I underestimating him? Why was I like this? I had no reason to be like this, so why was I?

"Hey, hey, calm down, baby. I'm here" Frank whispered, kissing the top of my head.
"I know! That's why I'm crying! Cos you're here, and I shouldn't be crying, because you're so awesome and amazing and I'm fucking crying on your shoulder, wasting your time. You should be with people who make you smile and laugh, not with me who cries to you. I'm so sorry, Frank" I gushed. His shirt was almost transparent now.

"Listen to me. You're not wasting my time, you're fulfilling it, you're making it better. Any time I spend with you are the best moments of my day. You do make me smile and laugh, Gee, why would you ever think I'd want to spend my time with anyone but you? I don't care if you cry, it doesn't depress me, it helps me understand you better. There's nothing wrong with crying and being upset, Gee. Its human and normal. You don't have to be so strong all the time," Frank said, every word growing in meaning. I listened intently, absorbing his every word.
I hugged him tighter, pressing my body against his.
"I love you so much, Frankie," I told him.
I didn't know if I was in love with him, but I knew I loved him, that I cared for him. How could I not?
"I love you too, baby" He whispered back, and I knew he meant it the same way I did.
I snuggled into Frank's chest, trying to let the darkness seep out of me.

I knew it wouldn't work, but for the first time, I knew it would subside, which was just as good as it disappearing.

"I gotta go, Gee" Frank told me quietly.
"Wh-No, don't go" I whispered. I felt like my voice was actually unable to go any louder.
"I gotta. Sorry, I'll see you tomorrow, K? You gonna be at school?" He asked, stroking my hair.
I shook my head.
Things were getting better, but there was no way I could go in. I hated myself for being so cowardly.
"OK. I'll come round tomorrow night, yeah? Unless you don't want me to" Frank mumbled the last part, unsure of himself.
"Of course I want to see you tomorrow! Have you lost your mind?" I smiled, kissing him gently on the lips.
"Maybe I have. And its all your fault!" Frank giggled.
"Good plan, blame the depressed one" I rolled my eyes and he climbed out of the bed.
"That's how I roll" He smirked.
I got out of my bed for the first time all day and threw Frank into my arms, squeezing him in a huge embrace. I heard him let out a surprised laugh, then he hugged me back just as forcefully.
"You feeling better?" He whispered into my ear.
"Yeah. You made me better" I told him, slightly embarrassed by my words.
"Glad I could be of assistance" I could hear the smile in Frank's voice, and he pulled away from the embrace that was probably suffocating him.

I kissed Frank one last time, trying to communicate how glad I was that I had him.
"Thanks for visiting me. You're the best boyfriend ever" I said, intertwining our fingers and twisting them.
"Of course I visited you. I couldn't manage a full day without my Gee! And thanks, that's really nice" Frank replied, squeezing my hand.
"Its the truth. Sorry, I'll get you into trouble. Night" I said, kissing his cheek.
"I like trouble" He winked. "Bye"

Our fingers fell away from each other, and he waved me goodbye before leaving my room.
I smiled to myself, actually a little happy.
"Boyfriend?!" Mikey shouted.