Can you feel me falling

I'm falling and I feel like I can't get up. I can't reach my goal of climbing out of this deep depression. No one notices. Moms too busy getting drunk and dad is too busy with work and getting drunk. My brother is too busy with school. I'm all alone in this world. I have no friends and no life. I get beaten at school then come home and get beaten there. The scars on my arms tell a story but is there anyone who will actually listen to it. I doubt it so I keep them hidden so no one knows. I place the mask on my face to face people. They see nothing, no emotion and no reaction.

I have trained myself to not feel anything. Sometimes I get so numb that I need to bleed to know that I'm still a living being. To know that I'm not a figment of my imagination. To know that my life is not as dream or a hallucination. I can't take it anymore. I feel myself going crazy by the day I don't know what to do.

I get my supplies from under my bed and clean my blade. I pull up my sleeve to reveal the vast amount of scars. I press the blade to my skin. The harder I pressed the better it felt. I sliced both wrists. I knew I shouldn't have but it just felt great. I cut deeper and deeper. I lay down on my bed, the blood flowing freely from my wrists. I can feel myself falling. I know that I am dying. Everything starts to get dark and go black.

I wake up strapped down in a hospital bed. My arms and legs are restrained to the bed. I can't move them at all. My wrists burn. I start to cry. I hear shuffling to my right. My mother appears in my vision. She sees I am awake and a wave of relief falls over her face.

"Hey honey, how do you feel?" she asks in a soft voice. This is a side of her I rarely see. I had begun to miss it in her. It filled me with joy to know that deep down she really cared.

"Tired, why am I strapped down?" I asked groggily.

"When I found you, you were passed out in a pool of blood. I called an ambulance and they came and took you in. At the hospital you woke up and started screaming. You were flailing around hitting yourself and others. You then started scratching your arms and making them open up more and bleed worse. They had to restrain you to keep you from hurting yourself or anyone. Eventually you stopped trying to get out of it and passed out." She said this in a nonchalant tone. This is the mother that I see so often. The one that doesn't really care. She has a mocking tone in her voice.

"The last thing I remember is slicing my wrists and then there was darkness. What is going to happen now?" I asked, afraid of the response and afraid that she wouldn't understand.

"You are under 18, so I can decide whether they admit you or not. I have decided that you need help beyond what I can handle. So you are being admitted to the psychiatric unit in this hospital." She said sternly knowing that I might hate the idea. She was right. I do hate the idea.

"You just want to get rid of me. I'm just your problem, I'm always in the way. I don't want to be locked up and watched all the time. I just want to go home and be left alone." I said raising my voice as much as I could since it was becoming hoarse. I loathed hospitals. I will not stand to be in a hospital. They can't help me because they won't understand. They won't be able to help me because I don't need help. I don't want help. They need to leave me alone. "I don't want help and I don't need it." I said loudly.

"You do need help and you don't get to decide that. You are going and that's final. You have no say in this decision at all so deal with it. You may not want it but you sure as hell are going to get it." She said. She was getting defensive and angry. She was close to shouting. I needed to diffuse this before something happens.

"Mom you need to calm down. I don't agree with you at all and I will find a way to get out of this. You will never see me again. Good-bye mother." I told her this very firmly hoping she would get the point to leave and never come back. She reached over and grabbed the nurse alarm. I heard sound off in the distance started ringing. All of a sudden a nurse came from out of no where. She noticed I was awake and started to check the machine. She proceeded to check my vitals.

"How are you feeling Angela?" She asked in a soothing tone.

"I'm fine can I have these restraints taken off?" I was very irritated. I didn't like being strapped down in the same room as my mother. I was too easy of a target for her.

"I will talk to the doctor and see what he says." With that she left the room.