Hell on high heels

It hurt to know. It hurt knowing someone you loved was capable of something so unbelievable. I was confused. I was definitely taking Sio's side in all this, but after the initial rage had cooled, I desperately wanted to talk to Matt. We had always been close and I knew he needed help. He was avoiding everyone however; he spent most of his time either on his laptop or off the bus, doing God knows what.

“Matt,” I called as he was just about to exit the bus. He looked up, an unreadable expression on his face. “let's get some coffee together.” He nodded and I picked up his nephew and carried him out. There was a Starbucks very close so I couldn't be bothered to get out his stroller. Matt would probably take over sooner or later anyway. I slipped a twenty in the pocket of my jeans and we got on our way. People greeted us but only Tommie really enthusiastically replied to all of his new buddies. I simply nodded and Matt was just in another universe.

“I don't know what to say, Matt.” I said as we were sat in the far corner of the room, me with a vanilla latte and Matt with a double espresso. I fed Tommie a bit of milk, but continued on watching Matt. I could always tell whether or not he was lying.

“How about `you should be shot'?” Matt said sarcastically, but with a hint of desperation.

“What? Matt!” I looked at him shocked. “Don't say that. Let's just talk about It, okay?”

“Alright,” it seemed like that was all Matt needed to hear because he started talking and it seemed impossible for him to stop. “I don't remember what happened. But I guess her nose is broken and everybody keeps telling me I did it. So yeah. I hurt her. Which is nothing like me, I always thought. But this just really scares me, Dae. What else have I done in my life that I can't remember? This is so fucked up. What should I do? I could go to a doctor, but they'll just tell me to lay off the booze and that is that. But is it the booze that did it? Or does something trigger me like, um, I don't know? Snoring? Is it something that only happens at night? And I really want to say sorry to Sio but she won't let me and then again - is it really saying sorry if I can't remember what I did?” He sighed.

“Aw, Matt.” I gave him a one-arm hug because I was too busy holding Tommie with the other arm. “I'm so glad to hear you didn't mean to. Do you remember our fight that night?”

“Vaguely. I remember being extremely mad.” He scratched the back of his head.

“Man. You were defending yourself. We should have recorded you or something.” I tried joking but Matt just looked down sadly.

“Dae, I can't - I can't do this. What if I hurt anyone of you? What if I hurt Tom? Oh God I will never be able to forgive myself for what I've done to Sio and she was able to defend herself in some way. More ways than Tom would.” I shivered thinking about what Tommie would look like after Matt was done with him.

“This was the worst idea I've ever had. Not only because of this, but I can't raise him like this. I'm only barely giving him food in time, he doesn't sleep as well on a moving bus as in a dark and quiet house. The minute we stop in Cali, I'm going to have mom and dad take care of him.”

“But Cali's in a few days.”

“I know, that's why. I'll miss him like crazy but I can't do this to him. It was such a selfish thing to do.” I sighed and got up. “Let's talk about this some other time, Matt. You should try and apologize to Sio and everything must somehow work out. Okay?” he nodded slightly, his shoulders low and the corners of his mouth giving in to gravity. He looked so forlorn that I hugged him tight.

“I love you Matt. You're my brother. I may get pissed at you and I still am for what you did, but I will never just stop loving you.” I said softly. He tried a little smile but it faded all too soon. We got back to the bus without another word. I only grabbed my bikini and got back outside with the baby perched on my hip. I found the All Time Low boys lounging by their bus in the grass and lawnchairs and a cooler full of beers.

“Hey guys,” I said cheerfully. “You look so comfy here, can I join?”

“Dae!” Zack shot up. “Of course, grab a seat!”

“We felt left out, thought you were ignoring us.” Alex said with a pout. Alex Gaskarth was such a girl, but a girl I'd turn gay for for sure.

“Of course not you guys! I just had a hectic week with this little fellow and writing articles and all that. But we have a day off, yay!” I laughed. I put a chair between Alex and Rian and sat down with Tommie on my lap. He looked around curiously at the guys in their bright coloured shirts and at the inflatable animals all around.

“Oh right, so this is Tommie.” Alex smiled the biggest smile at my son. “Hi thar Tommie.” He said in a weird voice, which caused him to giggle and clap his hands, smiling brightly.

“Do you want to hold him?” I asked, smiling at the exchange.

“Sure, I'd love to. But what if I drop him?” he said nervously. I laughed and showed him how to hold Tommie. Minutes later they were conversing in baby talk, Alex nodding while Tommie explained: “Gaga goo dada pffff!”

“Yes, but what about Gaga's meat dress, my man? I get that you're all excited about the rest of the costumes, but that went a little too far don't you think?” I smiled and settled down in my seat, enjoying the sun on my bikini clad body. Jack and I enjoyed a lazy conversation for about half an hour as Alex and Tommie tried all the inflatable animals and ran around like maniacs.

“Mmm. Yea. So what are you up to lately?” Jack asked, his eyes closed. “Besides the baby.”

I thought about. What was I up to besides taking care of Tommie?

“Writing the article, I guess.” I murmured, “but that's not really going all too well. I've missed out on some of the best performances because Tommie gets bored so soon. And just making sure the guys eat more than pizza. Although they're getting better at that, they used to only drink beer, not even water.” I laughed at the memory of those days.

“Is it true one of the A7X guys is the dad?” Jack peeked at me.

“It's either Jimmy or Zack.” I murmured. Gossip like this truly spread like wildfire, which is how Jack knew one of the guys was the dad, but Jack was also one of my friends. And I could use some help in this matter. If all of this had happened a year ago, I would've turned to Sio and like any normal twenty-something woman, would have sorted the problem out with my girlfriends. I hadn't ever really been a normal girl slash woman, though. I used to be a total tomboy with only male friends and I had a couple of tattoos here and there. When I went to college I changed: I started wearing more girly clothes and my hair finally went below my shoulders, but I still listened to heavy music and I got some more tattoos. Now I was a crazy mix of that girl with the long blonde hair and heavy mascara and the rock chick. I guess that from the neck up I was the first, and from the neck down the latter, especially when on Warped. For work I tended to go girly or professional, but now I mostly wore my hair up in some sort of messy bun and didn't really care about my appearance.

“Are you gonna try and find out which one is the dad?” Jack asked softly. He handed me a beer.

“Thanks. I don't know, a paternity test is such a big deal and I don't want either of them to take drastic actions when they find out they are his father. Let's say Zack is the dad. He's got so much going for him with the band, VU, all these little side projects he's doing… I know him and he'll probably just feel responsible and stop putting so much effort into all of that to be with Tommie. I can handle it, you know.” Alex fell down backwards on a huge pile of inflatable animals repeatedly while holding Tommie carefully against his chest so he would feel the bounce, but wouldn't be hurt. Tommie loved it.

“It's not only your fault you had this kid. Not only your responsibility. You had so much going for you as well.” Jack said as he looked at Alex and T.

“Ah well. I'll think about it. You guys want to join us for dinner? I'm making ratatouille.” I said a little louder. I never minded talking about serious stuff but when people told me something like this, something that changed my view on certain things, I always chickened out.

“Hell yes. Your ratatouille is to die for!” Rian exclaimed. We agreed to meet at our bus in an hour and I scooped Tommie up, ready to return to the bus. The moment Alex let him go, however, he started crying. Hard. He stretched out his arms to Alex like this was some sort of dramatic final goodbye.

“Oh man,” I laughed. “what am I gonna do about this?”

“He can stay here,” Alex suggested. “I don't mind watching him, it's fun. I'll take care of him, I promise.”

Alex was one of the sweetest and most honest people I knew and I trusted him. So I agreed that they would watch Tommie for an hour and join me at the A7X bus with Tommie soon. I felt a bit rejected when Tommie was back in Alex' arms again and didn't even so much as look up when I left.

I had picked up some vegetables in the morning when I was trying to soothe Tommie by taking a walk and I got them out of the fridge when I came back. We usually didn't cook anything besides noodles and pizza so a change would probably be appreciated. I started cutting up the eggplant and zucchini and I sprinkled salt on them so their taste would be more intense. I then took a shower and changed into some jean shorts and a TWLOHA shirt. I continued on chopping eggs, dicing pointed peppers, et cetera. Half an hour later a delicious smell filled the bus and I was working on my laptop at the article while the food was simmering.

Zack and Jimmy came back from whatever they had been doing before and put out chairs in front of the bus so we could seat nine people. After a little while everybody was here and Brian and I were handing out plates filled with the vegetable goodness to everybody while the beers were cracked open. Matt was feeding Tommie and I dove into the food. It was good like it always was.

“Beer, D?” Jimmy asked but I shook my head.

“Nah, I'll just go for a water, thanks.” He tossed me a bottle of water out of the cooler and I happily sipped on it for the remainder of the evening.

It was a fun night. The All Time Low boys were nothing like my boys, but they were polite and very nice so nothing bad ever went down between the two bands. Tommie was crawling in the circle of people, gaining a happy smile, a little talk or some petting from everyone of them. I was glad he wasn't already whiny because it was pretty late, when he usually got tired and whiny.

I had my eyes fixed on Tommie most of the time, making sure he didn't hurt himself or anything, until Brian put him up on his lap and held him there. I turned to Johnny who was trying to make conversation with me all the time.

“This is really good.” He said with a wicked grin.

“Ah well thanks. It's very easy though.” I said with a soft smile. I hadn't spoken to Johnny since last night before he persuaded me to sleep in his bunk with him. I'll admit, it was nice to sleep next to Johnny because he draped his arms around me and I could snuggle into his chest. I usually didn't sleep well in the same bed with other people because I couldn't stop listening to their breathing, snoring and what not but it was different with Johnny. I even had some trouble sleeping next to Jimmy because he wouldn't stop moving once he was asleep. That changed overtime, of course, but last night I slept like a log for sure.

I saw Matt eyeing us with a frown when Johnny moved his chair to sit closer to me. We chatted about this and that, laughing and joking between the two of us. I liked Johnny a lot.

I was glad that I had decided on not drinking alcohol tonight because everybody got shitfaced. I put Tommie in his crib when he started being whiny and punching Brian in the chest with his tiny fists.

“Hey now Tom!” I said as I held his arms. “Don't go around punching people. That's not very nice of you.” Tommie pouted and frowned and looked up at me. I laughed.

“Come on buddy. You look like Zacky V when you pout like that. It's getting old.”

“What?” Zack spluttered. “My pouts are irresistible!”

“Right, Pouty McPout.” Jimmy laughed. We all laughed at that and I grabbed Tommie by the waist and carried him inside the bus.

“I'm going to put you to bed mister. You're getting all whiny. This is no fun.” I told him as I entered the bathroom with him perched on my hip. I let the water run and I stripped him of his DCMA onesie and diaper and bathed him. He kept on trying to push me away and pushed everything he could find away, including the soap and shaving cream that was on the edge of the sink.

“Tommie, come on. I know you're tired but don't push everything to the ground. I'll be done in a flash if you just work with me.” I groaned. I lifted him out of the sink and wrapped him in a blanket. I ruffled his blonde hair with the towel so it was sticking out every which way. He clung to my shirt as I walked to his crib and grabbed his pyjamas. I tried putting him in his crib but he just hugged me hard.

“Aw, Tom. I love you too. But it's to go to bed now. I'll be here all the time and we'll go play again tomorrow.” He pouted again and I couldn't help but notice how much alike Zack he looked. I tucked him in and kissed him good night. When I came back out half of the guys were gone and only Jimmy and Matt were sitting in the shadow of the bus, silently talking. I sat down besides them and enjoyed the warm night.

“You're all wet.” Jimmy pointed out. I looked down at my shirt and noticed it was soaked. Thank God it wasn't white.

“Oh, right. I think I'm gonna change out of this and go to bed. I have a conference call with some of the editors tomorrow morning.” I said as I got up again. “Good night, guys.”

“Night, sis.”

“Night.”

I got back in the bus and changed out of my clothes in the aisle and into my oversized basketball shirt that I slept in. I popped in my earbuds and put on some Yiruma. I fell asleep in a heartbeat.

XXX

“Dae, dae,” I heard a slurred voice. I groaned and turned away from the sound. I was just having a good dream about … Johnny Christ in cowboy boots and… nothing else?

“What the fuck, Johnny?” I murmured sleepily. “Why are you waking me up and why the fuck are you naked?” My eyes travelled down his body. Holy Christ.

I heard voices nearing the bus so I assumed the guys were coming back from whatever they had been doing before. I doubt they'd take it the right way if they saw Johnny butt naked leaning into my bunk.

“Get in,” I murmured. “they'll murder you if they see you like this.” Johnny climbed in and I closed the curtains. We were lying face to face, holding our breaths. I tried not to giggle but it was hard not to. The guys all stumbled past my bunk and into the back lounge, probably eager to play videogames. I was about to remark on their gaming addiction when Johnny put a loose strand of hair behind my ear and softly kissed me. The kiss had a desperate edge to it and I gave in to his soft lips. He moved to hover over me and kept on kissing me, deepening the kiss more and more. How I had missed making out. His fingers traced my face and arms before going to my sides. I pulled him closer to me and deepened the kiss even more. My breaths became shallower and I felt myself not ever wanting to stop this.

I opened my eyes when Johnny pulled back and in the dark I could barely make out his face. He was looking at me intently. I smiled shyly.

“Dae,” he whispered. I had always loved the way he spoke my name, pronouncing the `ae' in the back in his mouth instead of in the front and drawing out the syllable. I nodded. “I don't wanna be secretive about you and me anymore. I want to be able to call you mine.”

In all truth, I hadn't seen that one coming. Yes, we were getting closer and closer ever since we started touring and he was fantastic with Tommie, but hadn't I kind of rejected him when we went to the zoo? Was he that desperate or had he noted my reluctance to reject him that day? I decided to fuck rationality and just go with it.

“I'd like that too.” I said softly, biting my lip. Johnny grinned and kissed me hard. I knew he was drunk but I also knew how he had felt about me for a while now.

He kicked off his boots which ended up at the end of my bed and threw his Stetson hat out of the bunk. We lay facing each other and I felt a tingly feeling in my belly as he softly kissed my nose, cheeks, closed eyelids and more. I fell asleep soon because I was still tired as hell, but this time I fell asleep in his arms.