Love Letters to Write Before I Die

She wore a hoodie that day. She didn’t like them. She liked dresses and polka-dotted things. But she was staying at the Scott’s family house and she didn’t have anything to wear.

“Here,” Nathan said, throwing her a black hoodie and a pair of pants. “It’s an old thing of mine. I don’t need them anymore, you can have it.”

And then he left for school.

Haley sighed. It was a hot day out and she was wearing oversized attire. A part of her wanted to strip naked and run through the streets. When she came to the front door of her house, she just stood there. She didn’t know if she wanted to go in. Her bottom lip trembled and her beads of sweat appeared on her palm. Rubbing her palms on Nathan’s jeans, she knocked on the door and held her breath.

She wasn’t supposed to be nervous.

She was supposed to be angry.

The door swung open instantly, revealing a very distraught father standing in front of a very distraught daughter. When her dad tried to embrace her, she stepped away. Her throat was already tightening up as she tried as hard as she could not to cry anymore.

“Where have you been?! We’ve called everyone but—”

“I’m not sorry I ran,” she muttered, going inside her house. In the living room, she saw her mother who was sleeping on the couch. Black shadows were evident under her eyes and her mother’s youthful appearance grew 50 years older.

“Your mother just went to sleep 2 hours ago.”

Something in her father’s voice ticked her off so badly that an urge exploded in her, demanding her to hit him. But Sophia Scott reminded her that screaming at each other would just drag the conversation longer and at the end, everyone would just get more hurt. She advised Haley to keep it together and confront the situation like an adult.

She didn’t want to, but Mrs. Scott had a point.

Haley rested her body against the wall, feeling exhausted already. “What happened, dad? What happened?” Haley whispered. “You were in love. You were telling me love stories about mom and you back in the days and I…I just don’t understand,” she said, gulping down the tears. Please, please, she begged. She didn’t want to cry.

Her dad looked at her with glassy eyes as he chuckled a bit.

“Back then, Haley. That’s the keyword,” his dad said, sitting on the arm of another couch. “I…we don’t have any good excuses to do it, I know. But the truth is, we’ve been separated for a few months now.”

“Excuse me?”

Her dad shook his head, rubbing his temples for the longest time before exhaling out a huge sigh.

“Your mom is rarely at home. You know that. She’s been called to all sorts of hospitals and institutions, asking for her advice and professional views. I’m rarely at home because I’m on call all the time. I can’t sit still. And when I do get to spend a few hours at home, I’d doze off. We didn’t want to hurt you, so we’ve kept…it a secret.”

“So you gave up.”

Her dad looked at her, appalled

“Haley, you have to understand that your mother and I just don’t…love each other like we’ve used to—”

“So you just gave up,” she said, her voice quivering. “You always told me never to give up and here you are, basically saying that both of you gave up,” she said, spitting out the last two words as if they were drenched in venom. Her eyes shone anger.

“Haley—”

But she kept going.

“You’re a bunch of damn hypocrites, that’s what you are!” Haley said, ignoring Mrs. Scott’s advice. She didn’t want to act cool, calm and all mature about this. She wanted to rebel, she wanted to kick and punch and she wanted to curl under the covers and cry some more.

“Hale—”

“You could’ve TRIED to work it all out. You could’ve! But no! You chose some random bimbo and decide to think ‘hey, what the hell, I MIGHT AS WELL FUCK HER AS MY WIFE IS FUCKING SOME OTHER SON OF A BITCH AND KEEP THIS A SECRET FROM MY OBLIVIOUS DAUGHTER!’” She screamed on top of her lungs, panting so hard she was pretty sure she was hyperventilating.

She couldn’t breathe. It was as if she was choking on air.

Suddenly, she felt someone throwing their arms around her from behind. “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry,” her mother whispered. Haley wanted to scream, kick, anything really. But she was so exhausted. She wished that she’d wake up the next day and everything would be a ridiculously realistic nightmare. But she knew that it wasn’t. She knew that she would be waking up the next day feeling utterly hopeless and exhausted. She knew.

She wondered if Nathan had to deal with those awful thoughts every day when he woke up.