Sessions Spent Alive

“Dr. Sweets?” she asked stepping into the large private room designed for therapy. She noticed the calming color of the walls, the comforting upholstery that covered the chairs and the standard box of tissues on the table. She suddenly felt embarrassed. She didn’t think much of switching doctors, so she didn’t change her wardrobe. But this place was nicer, and sudden; she felt like a tramp in a house of gold. Her tank top showed her bra and she had no intention of hiding it, until now. She moved her long hair over her shoulders, which seemed to bring the idea of modesty back, but not complete it.

She noticed a tall man step out from behind a closed door at resided in the room. No doubt his private office.

“Yes, Ms. Fleet. Please have a seat.” Lance Sweets glanced down at the file brought to him earlier that morning. He had read little of it. Daisy had surprised him that morning by showing up at his office unannounced so that they could quickly have sex before the work day started. Now he was behind with his work, and he was embarrassed.

He pretended to fiddle with something in his office while he skimmed through the folder.

Her history was brief; he knew why they had sent her to him. It’d be his job to keep her from hurting herself until the trial was over – then she’d go back to her old doctor. He guessed the FBI wanted any crucial information about the case; Lance Sweets was going to hate working this girl.

“Sorry, very busy day.” He muttered.

“Wow.” Was all she said.

“What?” he questioned her exclamation.

“You’re so young.” She said.

“Yes, I uh- I get that a lot. But I assure you a have an undergraduate in psychology, a masters in abnormal psychology, and my doctorate in clinical psych.”

Tanna’s expression didn’t change. “How old are you?”

“Well, even though that question is highly irrelevant, I’m twenty-two.”

“Jesus Christ.” She said smiling. “I’m just as old and have only graduated from high school.”

“Yes, I uh- excelled quite a bit when I was younger?”

“When you were younger?” she laughed, “You mean right now?”

“Yes.” He said, his ears were burning – this always happened. “But I wish to continue the session with things about you, not me.”

Tanna stopped laughing. She didn’t want to talk about herself.

“Huh-tanna?”

“Tanna, just Tanna.”

“Alright, well let’s get started, why do you think you’re here?”

“Well being a witness in a murder trial seems to make you important.”

“Right, well –“

“I know that you work for the FBI. They want someone they can trust to handle my mental state, as well as record any helpful information I may possess. I’m damaged, not stupid.”

“Why do you consider yourself damaged?”

“The constant murmur in my head to damage my body in horrific ways.”

“Murmur like voices?”

“No. Not voices, just a recurring thought.” She said as she stretched her arms. Lance could see three scars on each arm, most likely ones from her first attempt at suicide. They ran from her wrist to her elbow, though now faded, they were harder to see. She found no reason to hide them now that they were the color of her skin, just a different texture – but from time to time people would stare when they realized they were there, and that is exactly what Dr. Sweets was doing.

Lance began to flip through her file for an explanation. He quickly read: Patient found it hard to cope with the loss of her mother and unborn brother. She was found June 1st, in her apartment bathroom bleeding to death. Next door tenant called an ambulance, and she was subject to one month in a clinical hospital.

“So you spent time in Wexler’s State hospital?”

“Yes, after my first attempt, and it was a grueling month, only made me want to die more.” She remembered her time there, a flash of memory brought her to a fenced balcony she was allowed to spend time on, it made her want to smoke.

“Do you still consider yourself at risk to do these things?”

“Of course.” she said, she didn’t even blink. This made Lance realize she had decided she would die a long time ago, something had made her very determined.

“Does it have anything to do with the current case?”

“You could say that, it has everything to do with anything.”

“I see. And why is that?”

“After I lost my family doctor Sweets I didn’t want to live because there is nothing I want in this life.”

“Not a single thing?”

“No.”

“Well what can I do to change your mind?”

Tanna smiled at the question even though she was quite puzzled. No doctor had ever asked her what she wanted. She thought about the painting studio she wanted, the life in London, the life she spent with her brother…

“You obviously feel like you’ve lost something, and that whatever it was is irreplaceable.”

“Yeah. That’s –that’s correct.” She said, the smart doctor got something right.

“Well then all I can say is that there are many things we can’t replace in life – but I don’t see that there is any reason to end it.”

“Well I’ll think about your opinion, does that suffice?”

“As long as that’s what you think about.”

The session ended shortly after that, and rather early. He didn’t see any reason to keep her behind if she didn’t want to be there. She finally got to smoke a cigarette while she walked down the sidewalk in the sun. She took the train home that night thinking of Dr. Sweets’ idea.
______________________________________________________

Dr. Sweets finished reading her file once she left his office. He felt pain for what she had been through. He noticed several key aspects about her that could prove useful in their next session. He stayed late listening to taped sessions, notes and even contacting her previous doctors. Finally Daisy stopped by to ask him why he hadn’t been at dinner with the others. He was sick of her, he didn’t want to be around Daisy right now, and she had put him behind on this case as it was, so he kindly asked her to leave shortly after she arrived. That night he buried himself in his work. Tanna was supposed to meet with him five days a week for an hour and he wanted to have more to talk about in their upcoming sessions – he could help this girl, he felt he knew how.