Confessions

Zacky swung his legs, the back of his knees continuously smacking against the rough end of the pier as he stared down into the dark foamy water beyond the toes of his battered sneakers. He gripped onto the wooden board, praying that his fingers wouldn’t find spiders on the underside. A shudder rippled down his spine, goose-bumps prickling on his arms. A quiet, smug voice in his head told him that he should have worn a jacket. The wind’s cold fingers gripped onto him, the ocean spitting water at his legs. Zacky tilted his head back and stared up at the deep, intense blue of the night sky. A sigh was forced out of his lungs by his aching ribs. His green gaze found the moon, mind slipping away to a place where he could hide.

“Your parents are looking for you.” The smooth, caramel voice disrupted his thoughts, sending them scattering like a small boy scatters a flock of pigeons with one well-aimed kick. “I’m surprised no one else realised you’d be here.”

“Leave me alone, Brian.” Zacky’s voice was hoarse, as though he’d been crying. The taller boy’s charm was disarmed for a moment, shocked by the raw emotion in his best friend’s voice. He shook his head and the feeling of helplessness left him; he crouched down beside Zacky, a soothing hand on his shoulder. “I said, leave me alone.” The words had little effect, as though he had simply given up. Brian’s arm slipped around his back and he sat with his friend, holding him close for a few fleeting seconds.

“Come on, Zee, what’s up?” Zacky looked up from where his head rested on Brian’s chest, bottom lip quivering just a little as he tried not to cry again. Sitting up straight, he shuffled away from Brian, creating a gap between the two of them so that he could breathe right.

“I don’t really know where to start.” Nervous, he picked at the hem of his baggy t-shirt. “With this, I guess.” He lifted up the fabric with shaking hands. The dark violet bruises that stained his pale skin were evident, even in the semi-darkness. Brian gasped and Zacky let his shirt drop back down. A bitter smile twisted his features. “Yeah.” He nodded slowly, groping blindly in the recesses of his mind for words to explain the problems. “Some guys in our year thought it would be funny to beat the shit out of me ‘cause -” Zacky took a deep breath. “- ‘cause I’m a f-fag.” He winced at his own stuttered words, hating how stupid he sounded. Brian’s fingers clenched and unclenched as he fought the desire to reach out and comfort his friend. “And I know it’s stupid that I care so much but it hurts because it’s true and I don’t even know how I’m meant to tell anyone, especially my parents.”

“You just managed to tell me, didn’t you?” Zacky’s eyes widened dramatically, threatening to burst out of his skull. The words had all just come pouring out; he hadn’t meant to say any of that. “It’s okay, Zeebear.” He pulled the smaller, vulnerable boy into his arms, completely unaware of the soft blush that coloured his cheeks. Zacky gripped onto Brian’s bicep. The feel of strong muscle shifting beneath the skin kept him grounded, his breathing slowed.

“It’s not okay, though.” Brian stroked his back, feeling him tremble beneath his fingers and realising how cold he was.

“You want my hoodie?” Zacky’s forehead creased into a frown. “You’re cold.” Gently, Brian pushed the other boy off of his chest, shrugging out of his jumper and handing it to his friend.

“You didn’t have to.” Looking down at the hoodie in his hands, Zacky ran his fingers over the well-worn, soft fabric. Brian gave him a look that said otherwise. He pulled it on, the friction warming his skin just a little bit. It was big and baggy and shapeless but the faint smell of Brian was comforting. “Thanks.” Zacky nibbled his bottom lip, flicking at one of his lip-rings with his tongue. “Brian, I’m scared.” The taller boy slipped Zacky’s hand into his own, squeezing his fingers reassuringly.

“You don’t have to be scared.” His warm eyes locked with Zacky’s as he shifted closer. “I’m here for you, okay?” Zacky nodded, breaking his gaze away from Brian’s and staring out at the ocean once more. The situation was messed up enough; he didn’t need to make it any worse. “C’mon, I’ll walk you home.” Zacky stumbled to his feet and followed Brian down the old pier, back towards the more solid world of bricks and tarmac and glass. He gasped quietly with happy surprise when Brian entwined their fingers once again but prayed the other boy hadn’t noticed.

Zacky giggled, realising the Brian was humming Disposable Heroes quietly to himself. The heavy feelings of pain and doubt were slowly trickling away. It was easier to breathe without the emotions pressing against his rib cage like a rock. The world seemed a little brighter and he found himself leaning into Brian’s side as they walked. As much as Zacky didn’t want give into fantasy, Brian’s kind charm was an easy trap to stumble into.

“I was kind of worried something bad had happened to you.” Brian admitted, pulling his hand out of Zacky’s so he could wrap his arm around the smaller boy’s shoulders.

“Bri,” Zacky shook his head fondly, “I’m fine.”

“But what if you weren’t? I mean, if something bad had happened to you…” He trailed off, leaving his unspoken words hanging uncomfortably in the air. Zacky stopped walking, arms wrapping tightly around Brian’s torso. Smiling, he pressed his face into Brian’s muscled chest and murmured a thank you. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Zack.” Brian’s fingers danced up the back of Zacky’s neck, stroking the soft wisps of hair as he moved up towards his jaw, tilting his face up. Their lips pressed together in a gentle kiss that still, somehow, managed to leave Zacky trembling.

“W-what does that kiss make us?” He had to know if it changed things.

“Boyfriends?” Brian’s voice was tinged with hope, a smile bursting through onto his face as Zacky nodded.