Life on Point
Devastation and Liberation
**Sophia**
I wanted to let it go, to pretend her comment hadn’t hurt me but for some reason for once I couldn't do it. My friend Katie later told me I had finally found my backbone whereas Libby told me that I was simply being unreasonable. The truth is that I didnt want to pretend yet again that everything was right in our relationship when so clearly it wasnt. Personally I don’t think there is anything particularly brave, or for that matter irrational, about wanting to get the truth out of my girlfriend.
“Why not?” I asked her as I sat upright on the sofa. There was a long pause and I could tell she was trying to decide whether to answer me truthfully or not. “Well...” she began after what seemed like an eternity, “you know that the show is in two days time.”
“So?” I questioned, confused as to why that meant she didn’t want to sleep with me. Libby sighed angrily and looked at me like I was a total idiot for not understanding where she was coming from. “I have to conserve my energy for the show,” she told me patronisingly.
“Is that honestly what you think?” I questioned.
“It’s what Mrs Twelves told us to do and I agree with her. You know I can’t do anything that would affect my ability to dance.” When she said that I felt my blood begin to boil. Libby wasn’t 'able' to do anything that could jeopardise her dancing but she was more than willing to jeopardise our relationship time and time again. She must have seen I was getting more and more annoyed and, in a last attempt to make me understand where she was coming from Libby revealed a little more than she had been intending to.
“I love dancing more than anything in the world,” she had told me boldly. Jealously crept over me and tightened its hold as I fought not to say the words that had flooded into my mouth and turned it bitter. “More than me?” I questioned, despite the fact I knew the answer.
Libby answered “no” quickly but her voice caught in her mouth, her lie getting tangled around her tongue. We looked at each other and realised that we both knew the truth, “just tell me” I said, in a voice that was defeated.
“Well okay I suppose. But I don’t understand why it matters Sophia, it’s not as though there is another girl or something. Just drop it okay?” Honestly, I wanted to drop it, I wanted to let the matter go and return back into her arms but I knew that if I did that the problems in our relationship, which had become far too common, would take over and I would be left wondering why I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself sooner. I certainly never had a problem asserting my opinion usually in my life but with Libby it was different; I was always the one to apologise first, even if I had done nothing wrong; I was the one who remained silent during arguments because I didn’t want to hurt her like she was hurting me. And I just couldn’t do it anymore. “I’m going to go. I hope it goes well” I told her, a hint of sarcasm in my voice.
“You’re just jealous because I’m happy and you’re not, because I’m following my dreams and your stuck at school with no plans. It has absolutely nothing to do with dancing! My success is really jealous of,” she spat.
“No plans? I’m going to Oxford for fucks sake! How can you say that’s not following my dreams?” When I said that her face immediately changed from anger to shock and then to pure joy, “that’s amazing Sophia!” she exclaimed happily, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I thought about shouting at her, trying to make her understand how much it hurt every time she so clearly revealed she didn’t give a shit about me but then I decided it simply wasn’t worth it. All the will to, yet again, fight for this relationship drained out of me and I found myself getting up from the sofa, picking my oversized brown back up from her floor and walking out the door. "It's over Lib," I told her gently before stepping out of the hallway. Just in case she made me change my mind, I forced myself not to look back at her. I knew that if I didnt do this now, I never would.
***
As soon as I was safely away from Libby I let the emotions that had been building up inside me come tumbling out. I’d managed to hold it together for so long because I had been terrified that once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop but as the tears slowly crept from my green eyes to my cheeks I felt strangely better. My heart felt heavier, like it was physically dragging me down and I felt sick to my stomach. Yet despite this there was a sense of release, a hint of freedom that crept over me. I never let anybody see me like this: raw, pathetic and weak. However as I stood with my back to the wall of a brown stone block of flats, with only the stars as my witness I didn’t try to pretend that the decision to walk away from the person I loved wasn’t the hardest decision I had ever had to make; I didn’t try to pretend that I was okay when so clearly I wasn’t; I didn’t put on a brave face for anyone. I just stood there. I stood there and, in the startling calm of the night, I let it all sink in. I let the confusing but powerful mixture of devastation and liberation consume me. I wondered when it was that I had stopped standing up for what I wanted, stopped caring about myself and become so focussed on Libby that I honestly couldn’t remember the last thought I had that didn’t concern her.
I lost the most important thing in my life that night. But, in doing so, had I began to find myself again?
I wanted to let it go, to pretend her comment hadn’t hurt me but for some reason for once I couldn't do it. My friend Katie later told me I had finally found my backbone whereas Libby told me that I was simply being unreasonable. The truth is that I didnt want to pretend yet again that everything was right in our relationship when so clearly it wasnt. Personally I don’t think there is anything particularly brave, or for that matter irrational, about wanting to get the truth out of my girlfriend.
“Why not?” I asked her as I sat upright on the sofa. There was a long pause and I could tell she was trying to decide whether to answer me truthfully or not. “Well...” she began after what seemed like an eternity, “you know that the show is in two days time.”
“So?” I questioned, confused as to why that meant she didn’t want to sleep with me. Libby sighed angrily and looked at me like I was a total idiot for not understanding where she was coming from. “I have to conserve my energy for the show,” she told me patronisingly.
“Is that honestly what you think?” I questioned.
“It’s what Mrs Twelves told us to do and I agree with her. You know I can’t do anything that would affect my ability to dance.” When she said that I felt my blood begin to boil. Libby wasn’t 'able' to do anything that could jeopardise her dancing but she was more than willing to jeopardise our relationship time and time again. She must have seen I was getting more and more annoyed and, in a last attempt to make me understand where she was coming from Libby revealed a little more than she had been intending to.
“I love dancing more than anything in the world,” she had told me boldly. Jealously crept over me and tightened its hold as I fought not to say the words that had flooded into my mouth and turned it bitter. “More than me?” I questioned, despite the fact I knew the answer.
Libby answered “no” quickly but her voice caught in her mouth, her lie getting tangled around her tongue. We looked at each other and realised that we both knew the truth, “just tell me” I said, in a voice that was defeated.
“Well okay I suppose. But I don’t understand why it matters Sophia, it’s not as though there is another girl or something. Just drop it okay?” Honestly, I wanted to drop it, I wanted to let the matter go and return back into her arms but I knew that if I did that the problems in our relationship, which had become far too common, would take over and I would be left wondering why I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself sooner. I certainly never had a problem asserting my opinion usually in my life but with Libby it was different; I was always the one to apologise first, even if I had done nothing wrong; I was the one who remained silent during arguments because I didn’t want to hurt her like she was hurting me. And I just couldn’t do it anymore. “I’m going to go. I hope it goes well” I told her, a hint of sarcasm in my voice.
“You’re just jealous because I’m happy and you’re not, because I’m following my dreams and your stuck at school with no plans. It has absolutely nothing to do with dancing! My success is really jealous of,” she spat.
“No plans? I’m going to Oxford for fucks sake! How can you say that’s not following my dreams?” When I said that her face immediately changed from anger to shock and then to pure joy, “that’s amazing Sophia!” she exclaimed happily, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I thought about shouting at her, trying to make her understand how much it hurt every time she so clearly revealed she didn’t give a shit about me but then I decided it simply wasn’t worth it. All the will to, yet again, fight for this relationship drained out of me and I found myself getting up from the sofa, picking my oversized brown back up from her floor and walking out the door. "It's over Lib," I told her gently before stepping out of the hallway. Just in case she made me change my mind, I forced myself not to look back at her. I knew that if I didnt do this now, I never would.
***
As soon as I was safely away from Libby I let the emotions that had been building up inside me come tumbling out. I’d managed to hold it together for so long because I had been terrified that once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop but as the tears slowly crept from my green eyes to my cheeks I felt strangely better. My heart felt heavier, like it was physically dragging me down and I felt sick to my stomach. Yet despite this there was a sense of release, a hint of freedom that crept over me. I never let anybody see me like this: raw, pathetic and weak. However as I stood with my back to the wall of a brown stone block of flats, with only the stars as my witness I didn’t try to pretend that the decision to walk away from the person I loved wasn’t the hardest decision I had ever had to make; I didn’t try to pretend that I was okay when so clearly I wasn’t; I didn’t put on a brave face for anyone. I just stood there. I stood there and, in the startling calm of the night, I let it all sink in. I let the confusing but powerful mixture of devastation and liberation consume me. I wondered when it was that I had stopped standing up for what I wanted, stopped caring about myself and become so focussed on Libby that I honestly couldn’t remember the last thought I had that didn’t concern her.
I lost the most important thing in my life that night. But, in doing so, had I began to find myself again?
♠ ♠ ♠
I know its a long one but I don't know what I could have got rid of :)Please comment, its so encouraging when I know people are actually bothering to read this and I'd really appreciate your opinion xxx