Life on Point
Broken Promises
*Libby*
When we were both too exhausted to move we lay next to each other on top of the covers, our legs entwined and our hands laced. I’d finally done it, finally been brave enough to show her how much I cared. I’d said the words I’d been longing to say and I’d finally managed to show her physically how much she meant to me.
She must have thought I was frigid but in fact I had just been terrified of disappointing her. I knew that she had been with girls before but I hadn’t and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what to do. I know it sounds stupid but I was worried that I would be really, embarrassingly bad at it and then she wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. But as it turned out she really, really didn’t seem to mind and I got so much more out of it than I had expected. Hearing her like she was, and knowing that I was the reason for the moans slipping out from her soft lips made me wonder why I hadn’t just had the courage to do it sooner.
I had never felt closer to her then I did afterwards, as we lay beside each other in blissful silence, feeling each others heart beat begin to steady. I didn’t know how we were going to keep this going if I got accepted to Ramussen but I knew in that moment that I would do anything, sacrifice anything to stay with her. If she told me not to go I’d stay where I was because I couldn’t face losing her. I didn’t want to hide away either. I wanted people to know how I felt about her and how she felt about me, no matter the consequences. Sophia didn’t think I noticed the hurt that would spread across her face when I wouldn’t hold hands with her or would tell her to give me some space at school but in fact I noticed it all the time, and it killed me inside.
“I’m going to tell people about us,” I told her bravely but she just lay there calmly, as if I hadn’t said anything at all. “No your not,” she replied casually, “I know you Lib and I know your not going to do that. Don’t get me wrong it’d be great if you did but we both know that you won’t. You’ve done this like a hundred times. You said you were going to start being nicer to me at school because you no longer cared if people thought we were friends. That never happened. You said you’d invite me to go camping with you and your mates. That never happened. You said you were going to take me out on a real date for my birthday and that never happened either. It’s sweet of you to say you will, but I know you won’t babe.”
At first I wanted to argue with her, tell her that it absolutely wasn’t true and give her the excuses for the times she had mentioned. Then however I was forced to realise she was completely right; even just moments after I had said it my confidence on the subject was beginning to wane. I couldn’t tell people about us because then they would know what I was and, like I already said, I was not prepared for that to happen. I felt her warm breath against my neck, pulling me out of my thoughts. “I don’t judge you Lib,” she muttered as she pulled her body even closer to mine.
She stroked my hair gently, unknowingly lulling me to sleep. I wanted to stay awake desperately, there was so much I had left to say to her, so much we had to work out together. When I sleepily realised that there was no use fighting to keep my eyes open I remembered I had an answer to her previous remark. “Why? I judge myself for it,” I muttered but it was so quiet I don’t even know if she heard it. Then I surrendered to my exhaustion and drifted off, safe beside her.
When we were both too exhausted to move we lay next to each other on top of the covers, our legs entwined and our hands laced. I’d finally done it, finally been brave enough to show her how much I cared. I’d said the words I’d been longing to say and I’d finally managed to show her physically how much she meant to me.
She must have thought I was frigid but in fact I had just been terrified of disappointing her. I knew that she had been with girls before but I hadn’t and, to be honest, I didn’t really know what to do. I know it sounds stupid but I was worried that I would be really, embarrassingly bad at it and then she wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. But as it turned out she really, really didn’t seem to mind and I got so much more out of it than I had expected. Hearing her like she was, and knowing that I was the reason for the moans slipping out from her soft lips made me wonder why I hadn’t just had the courage to do it sooner.
I had never felt closer to her then I did afterwards, as we lay beside each other in blissful silence, feeling each others heart beat begin to steady. I didn’t know how we were going to keep this going if I got accepted to Ramussen but I knew in that moment that I would do anything, sacrifice anything to stay with her. If she told me not to go I’d stay where I was because I couldn’t face losing her. I didn’t want to hide away either. I wanted people to know how I felt about her and how she felt about me, no matter the consequences. Sophia didn’t think I noticed the hurt that would spread across her face when I wouldn’t hold hands with her or would tell her to give me some space at school but in fact I noticed it all the time, and it killed me inside.
“I’m going to tell people about us,” I told her bravely but she just lay there calmly, as if I hadn’t said anything at all. “No your not,” she replied casually, “I know you Lib and I know your not going to do that. Don’t get me wrong it’d be great if you did but we both know that you won’t. You’ve done this like a hundred times. You said you were going to start being nicer to me at school because you no longer cared if people thought we were friends. That never happened. You said you’d invite me to go camping with you and your mates. That never happened. You said you were going to take me out on a real date for my birthday and that never happened either. It’s sweet of you to say you will, but I know you won’t babe.”
At first I wanted to argue with her, tell her that it absolutely wasn’t true and give her the excuses for the times she had mentioned. Then however I was forced to realise she was completely right; even just moments after I had said it my confidence on the subject was beginning to wane. I couldn’t tell people about us because then they would know what I was and, like I already said, I was not prepared for that to happen. I felt her warm breath against my neck, pulling me out of my thoughts. “I don’t judge you Lib,” she muttered as she pulled her body even closer to mine.
She stroked my hair gently, unknowingly lulling me to sleep. I wanted to stay awake desperately, there was so much I had left to say to her, so much we had to work out together. When I sleepily realised that there was no use fighting to keep my eyes open I remembered I had an answer to her previous remark. “Why? I judge myself for it,” I muttered but it was so quiet I don’t even know if she heard it. Then I surrendered to my exhaustion and drifted off, safe beside her.
♠ ♠ ♠
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