Gone Isn't Forever

Chapter 8

Warmness of the Soul

I stepped out of the bathroom after having taken a wonderful shower with zero disturbances. Jimmy stared at me with a somewhat distracted expression taking place. Movement to the right of my vision captured my attention and I glanced over. I watched Zacky lead a Jo into that mysterious back room and close and lock the door behind them. I was worried but I decided to let her have this one because it wasn't every day you got led into a private room by a sexy guitarist. Although, I vowed at that moment that if he hurt her, I would make him cry tears of pure agony! I shook the thought off and tried to forget that Zacky Vengeance was probably having his way with my dear cousin in the back room.

“Jimmy why the hell are... never mind. I really don't want to know!” I cut myself off. Jimmy smirked and chuckled, putting his finger up to his perfect lips to communicate a desire for silence. I pursed my lips and quirked one eyebrow in confusion. Jimmy nodded towards the living area of the tour bus and I listened for a minute. I strained my hearing in order to try and see if I could hear what he was insinuating. I heard a burst of laughter suddenly, and then another one. And another. It sounded like Kirsten was really hitting it off with someone. A certain synyster someone. Hehe. Cute. I peaked my head around the corner the see what the cause of the giggle fits were. I almost joined in on the laughter when I caught Brian attempting to perform various magic tricks for Kirsten. It was down right adorable! I could see the entire band dating the entire crew of Avenged Sevenfold...well, everyone except for me...

I felt Jimmy slide an arm around my waist, and then another. He rested his chin on my shoulder. I could feel him. He was as solid as he always was. But this time he was warmer, more human. He breathed and I could feel his breath dancing upon my skin and down my neck, sending a shiver running down my spine. I wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing at the moment. Jimmy's voice, soft and low, pulled me out of my thoughts.

“ Hey, you seem tired. Maybe you should call it a night?” He suggested. I smiled, staring back out at Kirsten having the time of her life with Syn. It was so sweet, and Brian really seemed like an amazing guy. I turned around in Jimmy's arms and hugged him.

“I think you're right. Goodnight, Jimmy.” I replied, pulling him by his wrist over to his old bunk. I replaced the flowers and drumsticks, setting them on the windowsill next to the bunk. I realized something then. Jimmy's bunk was significantly longer than the others. I giggled when I understood why. “Jimmy, did they have to get you a longer bed?” I questioned.

“Oh yeah. I couldn't sleep on tours because my legs would be hanging off of the bunk almost at the knees. So not comfortable. Had to get it fixed.” He grinned at me and placed his hands on my hips, hoisting me up to set me on top of his bunk. Then he hoisted himself up to sit next to me.

“I'm so glad you're here with me.” I stated, leaning my head against his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head. “Jimmy...what happens when your so called 'job' is done?” I asked reluctantly, almost not wanting to know the answer.

“Well...then I guess I go to heaven.” He paused. “...Only, it kind of feels like I'm already there.” He answered, sliding his hand over my knee, his eyes cast down. I could feel the tension in the air and decided to get rid of it and began to concoct an ingenious plot to diminish it. My lips spread wide as a sly smile crossed my expression. Out of nowhere, I tackled Jimmy down on the bunk. I caught him off guard and ended up on top of him. I looked down at his face, into his crystal blue disguise and I swallowed hard when something swelled up inside of me. It was a familiar feeling, the way I had always felt around Jimmy. But this time, staring into his beautiful blue eyes, it felt stronger. It was then that I realized that our relationship had turned into something more. And I knew it wasn't sensual to possess these feelings about the deceased...but I guess I was experiencing some necrophiliac tendencies. Before I knew what was happening, my lips were on his, locked within each others embrace. It was probably the best high I had ever experienced though. You would think that kissing a ghost would be like making out with the air around you, but it soooooo totally wasn't! It was beautiful and warm. A vision of a gorgeous magenta sunset overlooking a widespread ocean, casting shadows upon the unknown flashed in my mind. I could see the two of us sitting upon the shore, watching the waves crashing up and out repeatedly. I could feel the rays of sun catching my skin and the wind gently whipping my hair around. It was pure paradise, just him and I. The gentle kiss sent more shivers down my back, goosebumps up and down my arms and a tingling sensation made itself known on my lips. I've been kissed before, but none of them had ever quite been like this.

We pulled apart and stared at each for the longest time, frozen and breathless before either of us spoke. I couldn't believe that I had just kissed Jimmy The Rev Sullivan...What the HELL was I thinking?! I could feel the emotions swelling up inside of my heart about to scratch the surface. A hot burning sensation occurred in my eyes and the heat spread to the rest of my face, heating up my cheeks in the process. At first I was confused as to what was happening. I couldn't tell because I had only experienced it a few times in my entire life. The hot tears began to spill over the bottoms of my eye lids before I realized what I was doing. I was crying for the first time in a long time...

Embarrassed and caught off guard, I fled the bunk and locked myself in the bathroom again. I ran over to the corner near the standing shower and slid down the walls, sitting on the tiled floor. The wet tears kept flowing over my bottom eyelids, dampening my eyelashes. I didn't quite know why or how I was crying, all I knew was that it stung and I hated it. Although it also felt glorious to know that I was even still a fraction human. It appeared that I wasn't an emotionless cyborg after all. I wondered what was going through Jimmy's mind. I wondered if he hated me now. I wondered if I had just lost him again... I must have wept for at least 20 minutes because that's usually the length of time it takes for me to fall asleep. I say this because one minute I was crying on the bathroom floor and the next, I was sprawled out on the tile while someone banged on the door from the other side.

I felt like death. My eyes felt raw and my throat and mouth were dry as hell. I was stiff and sore from my apparent slumber on the bathroom floor. I was groggy and I found it difficult to move at all. My knee cracked when I attempted to pick myself up and I made my way over to the door.

“Who-who is...” I paused to clear my throat, “Just a second.” I changed my mind. I twirled around to walk over to the sink and hastily turned on the faucet. I literally looked like hell on earth. There was no way I was going to open that door with puffy red bloodshot eyes and matted hair. I quickly splashed some cool water over my face and raked my fingers through my hair. I crossed over to the door and turned the handle only to reveal a very bored looking Maggy. Her bored expression instantly switched to concerned.

“Johnny Christ what happened to you?” She exclaimed. She sounded alarmed. Did I really look that bad?

“Hell Maggy...Hell happened.” I replied serious as a heart attack.
“Wow...do you need to talk? You know I'm here Mell.” Maggy has always been there for me. I really wish I could have talked it over with her, like we always did when either of us were having issues. But there was no possible way I could ever confide in her about what happened last night. I flashed a genuine smile at her.

“Mags, I'll be fine, really.” I said stepping out of the bathroom. I scanned the area to make sure that there was no sign of Jimmy. I didn't exactly want to face him just yet. “So...why so bored?” I asked Maggy after seeing that the living area was clear of all lifeforms. Maggy pulled me over to the vacant couch. I suppose everyone else was sleeping or something. She sat down.

“Pop a squat next to me and I'll tell you the gist.” She answered. I obeyed and gave her my full attention. “Well you see... I love Matt and all... but oh my God, he wouldn't stop talking!” Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked her.

“I mean he literally talked all day. From the time we got on this bus up until about ten minutes ago, he was jabbering on about something. A bunch of random shit too. It's not that what he was saying didn't have value...it's just that he wouldn't even let me go long enough to use the bathroom. Oh!! That reminds me!” She exclaimed as she jumped up and sprinted to the bathroom. I heard the bathroom door click shut about seven seconds later. I chuckled at how cute she was. I guess I wasn't the only one that had a peculiar day. I started thinking about the kiss again. I just couldn't shake the odd sensation that it was right. It felt so amazing, like it was meant to be. But deep inside I knew it was so wrong. I had defiled the very law of nature. How could I have been so stupid.

“You can relax you know.” Jimmy's voice shook me out of thoughts. I instantly felt this tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could tell my cheeks were heating, yet again turning their color a crimson shade. “You're not the only one who slipped up.” He said softly. I located him over to the right near the TV and the window. He made his way over to the couch and took a seat next to me.

“W-what do you mean?” I questioned a bit nervous to hear the answer. He took a deep breath and sighed.

“Look Melinda, when you kissed me... I felt alive again. No pun intended by the way. I could have stopped you...but I didn't. And do you want to know why?” He asked, I nodded. “It's because I liked it.” He confessed while pursing his lips. He seemed a little nervous himself. How was I, such an ordinary girl, able to make a rock legend nervous? “Because you're not just an ordinary girl Mell. You're special. Really special. If I still had a flesh heart, you would make it skip a beat ever single time you walked into the room. I guess I missed being able to have a special something with someone so much that I just wanted to feel something again. And you know what...I did. Hell, I felt more than something. I felt everything. In just that one simple kiss, you made me feel like a man again.” He spilled his heart out to me. Holy shit.

“Jimmy I-” He cut me off. It was a good thing he did too because I had absolutely no idea what to say in that moment.

“Melinda, I lo-...LIKE you. You bet your pretty little ass I do. But you and I...” He trailed off. I seized the opportunity.

“But... but it's never going to happen, is it?” I looked him straight in the eyes. Something in them changed once again. He looked wounded, as if what I had just said lashed at his very soul. Perhaps it did. I was starting to see just how much he truly did care for me. He bit his bottom lip and flinched subtlety. He suddenly shot up and walked hastily away into the hall with all of the bunks in them. He lifted himself onto his top bunk bed and draped himself across it. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and exhaled. I let my gaze find the floor. Was it something I said? “...Jimmy.” I barely whispered.

“You miss him too, huh?” A soothing voice from the hallway entrance spoke out. I could recognize Brian's voice anywhere. I hoped he hadn't been standing there the entire time to see me talking to Jimmy...or in his vision, talking to myself. I swallowed my luck and nodded. “We all do. You truly are a Rev fan aren't you?” He questioned. I lifted my eyes to meet his. I gave him a slight smile. He made his way over and sat next to me where Jimmy had previously been sitting. He wrapped his left arm around my shoulder. “You know, sometimes I have these wonderfully real dreams that captures the very essence of him. It's so real. And there we are, just hanging out like we used to, laughing and having a beer on this very couch. Then I wake up and realize that the true nightmare begins. This life... this state of consciousness is the horrific realm in which he no longer exists. I'd rather go into to a coma and stay with him in my dreams forever. He was my best friend.” He said this so intricately, it was almost beautiful in a sort of twisted way. What he was saying was making so much sense. I felt so guilty though. This man who had grown up with Jimmy, his loyal best friend was missing him even more than I did. That was certainly saying something. I had thought about how much his friends had missed him and I couldn't imagine the grief they felt for him. But here I was. I was a girl from Nowhere town, USA who randomly made a nation wide trek to see Jimmy's grave, and I got to see him every day for the next who knew how long. It didn't quite seem fair for me to hoard him for myself. But I didn't know how I could possibly share him. I swallowed once again and looked up at Brian. I wished I could stop all his grief and deliver Jimmy unto him. I just wanted to steal his pain away and reunite him with h is best friend again. But somehow, that didn't seem to be an option available to me. Sadly, this one was out of my hands, just like pretty much everything else was.

“B-Brian I'm so s-s-sorry.” I whispered to him and buried my head in his chest. My eyes did that weird watering thing again. Okay, so maybe I was crying. But at least this time it felt a little more natural. My salty tears stained Brian's shirt. He held me and stroked my hair while I finished my blubbering. As soon as he pulled me in though, another vision flashed before my eyes. I thought I could only get those when I came into physical contact with Jimmy. But this one was certainly off the wall. I could see a beautiful young woman dressed in white. Her gown was pure and flowing, her hair loose and free. She was laughing a very familiar sounding laugh. It was a gleeful kind of laughter, like there was nothing else in the world that could make her happier than to stand there in a halo of flowers sitting atop her crown. She looked like a bride. Her face was blurred and I couldn't make out who it was. But I knew that I knew her. The vision worked like a zoomed in camera. It explored all of the details of the woman right up until it reached her chin. Then it started back down at her feet again. But this time a small pool of blood trickled its way up the lady's white wedding dress, forever staining it. It reached the woman's neckline and proceeded to stain her skin. The blood covered her arms and soaked her dark hair. It wasn't until the very last instant before it completely consumed her being that I actually got a good look at her face. The woman was Kirsten.