November Rain

When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained,
But darlin' when I hold you, don't you know I feel the same?
Nothin' lasts forever and we both know hearts can change,
And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.

It was raining. Of course it was raining.

That was the thought stuck in my head as I made my way through the cemetery, to an area I have come to know quite well in the last year. This is California for fuck’s sake, the “Sunshine State”...or was that Florida? Whatever, it’s supposed to be sunny here all the time. And yet, whenever I make my monthly trip out here, it’s always raining.

Usually, when someone shows up at a cemetery, the weather would probably be the last thing on their mind. I have to admit, this is the first time I’ve ever really focused on it. It’s easier than thinking about how this time is different. How last November was when everything fell apart, and how it’s been exactly a year since then.

As I approached my destination, I could see the outline of another person in the mist. He or she was standing at the graves I was heading towards. It was hard to see any details; all I could make out for sure was that the person was wearing a red hat. A fedora, actually. I could tell, I know a thing or two about fedoras.

I was only a couple feet away when the person turned to face me, but I had already guessed who it was. And I wasn’t sure what to think about it.

“Hi Brian.” Michelle said quietly, as I walked up beside her. I knelt down to set one of the two bouquets of flowers I had been holding against my best friend’s headstone before I answered.

“Hey. Fancy seeing you here.” I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket, not turning to face her. No wonder I knew the hat. It had been mine.

“I couldn’t forget today, even if I tried. And believe me, I did.”

I scoffed lightly. “No, really? The abundance of men and alcohol didn’t tip me off.”

“LIke you were any better!” she hissed. It was quiet for a moment, the only noise being the soft fall of the rain, when she spoke again, much softer this time. “I don’t think either of us would want to forget.”

I heard her voice catch at the end, and I couldn’t help but glance over. Her beautiful face looked broken, and there were tears running down her cheeks. Sighing, I wrapped one arm around her shoulders, letting her lean into me slightly. Against my better judgement, I found myself thinking back ten months ago, the start of a less-than-happy new year.

We've been through this such a long long time,
Just tryin' to kill the pain.
But lovers always come and lovers always go,
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today, walking away.

“The fuck is this?!” I yelled, opening the door to our bedroom after getting home from a ride on my motorcycle. I did that a lot these days. I liked being alone. Lucky for me, Michelle was usually out when I was home, so it didn’t matter much where I was.

However, I hadn’t expected to find her, my wife, in bed with another man on the rare occasion that I was home the same time she was.

“B-Brian! I thought - you weren’t - why are you home so early?” she rambled in a high-pitched voice, as the (literal) fucker in my bed tried to cover her up.

“Don’t bother.” I sneered at him. “It’s not like I haven’t seen those tits before. I did pay for them, after all.”

A look of fury crossed Michelle’s face, and she jumped out of bed, pulling on her housecoat from the floor as she crossed the room. “You fucking -”

“Hold that thought, dear.” I used the name mockingly, before turning back to the man, who was now scrambling to pull his clothes back on. “You know, I have a license to pack a gun, you wanna see it? No? Then you have ten seconds to get the fuck out of my house before I call the goddamn police. Or, you know, something worse.”

I must admit, I have never seen a guy move that fast.

As soon as I heard the front door slam, I rounded on Michelle. “What the hell? I’m married to a fucking whore now?!”

She slapped me, hard, but I barely felt it. Alcohol’s a pretty good pain-killer, as is anger. “Like you’re any better!” she yelled. “I’m not stupid! It doesn’t take an idiot to figure out what you’ve been up to when you come home at four in the morning smelling like a two-cent hooker!”

“I was only thinking of you, though.” I said smoothly, voice dripping with sarcasm. “After all, I wouldn’t want you to be jealous.”

She hit me again, and this time I actually tasted a little blood. “None of this would have happened, you know? He wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for you.” There were angry tears running down her face. “None of this would have happened if you had stayed home that night, like I wanted you to!”

“Of course, it’s all my fault. God fucking forbid that you could have just called someone else to come pick us up! You should have known better!”

“Fuck you.” she snapped, pulling her wedding ring off her finger.

“Please don’t, God knows what you’ve got by now.” I said coldly, not even looking to see where her ring landed as she hurled it across the room.

“I fucking hate you. This all happened because of you. You ruined everything!” she stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard that it cracked.

But for some reason, being a newly-divorced man three weeks later didn’t make me feel much better.

And if we take the time to lay it on the line,
I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine, all mine.
So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin' in the cold November rain.

“Where did you go when you moved out?” I asked suddenly, genuinely curious.

“I stayed with Matt and Val for a couple weeks, until I found my own apartment downtown.”

“Huh. You’d think I woulda known if you were staying at Matt’s.”

“Well...you didn’t really get out much, Brian. Except, you know, at night.” she said timidly, obviously trying to avoid any more arguing. And for the first time in over a year, I didn’t try to turn it into a fight. Truth be told, I rather liked the way we were standing.

“Touche.”

We fell into silence again. I knew we were both here for more than just Jimmy, but I didn’t want to bring it up. Luckily I didn’t have to.

“Let’s get this over with, then.” Michelle sighed, but her rather harsh words did little to hide the emotion in her voice. I let my arm fall back to my side, but after a moment she reached out and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together without a word. We made our way over to another grave a short distance away. My mind wandered back to the past as we walked.

Do you need some time on your own?
Do you need some time all alone?
Everybody needs some time on their own,
Don't you know you need some time all alone?

After the divorce, I quickly realized that I hadn’t wanted to be alone after all. Or at least, not all of the time, which is what happened shortly after Michelle left. An outlet for all the sadness, and anger, and frustration had been what I wanted. And I had had that, in the form of pissing off my wife, and the arguments and fighting that followed. It was a horrible tactic, and it was just too bad I hadn’t realized that until it was too late. Now I was really alone, and I hated it. In a matter of weeks, it seemed like everything had fallen apart, and I needed something to keep me on track. I needed the band, but everyone was still grieving Jimmy’s sudden death, and we weren’t even sure if we could continue without him.

And so I did the best I could. Without my best friend, without the love of my life, without the band. It was hard to stay busy, and the only way I managed was with far too much alcohol, drugs, and...questionable company.

Just one more regret to add to the table.

I know it's hard to keep an open heart,
When even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal the broken heart,
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?

I still have nightmares about the night that everything ended. Or at least, it was the beginning of the end. November 23rd, just a few days after Johnny’s birthday. We - meaning myself, Jimmy, Matt, Johnny, Zack, and a bunch of other friends - were out at the bar, just like so many other nights before.

“Better enjoy yourself, Syn!” Matt said, sliding another glass filled with God-knows-what towards me, but I drank it anyway. “You don’t have a whole lot of these nights left!”

“I know, but you know what? As much as I’ll miss them, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I grinned.

Jimmy clapped me on the back and raised his glass. “Cheers to the happy family!”

Later on when we were much more intoxicated, someone -probably me - had decided that rather than waste money on a cab home, it would be better to call some of the girls to come get us. Michelle, despite her condition, happened to be one of them.

It was no one’s fault, looking back. It was just bad luck. Michelle had arrived just as a fight broke out, and amidst the fray she had been shoved hard into one of the tables. And the blood at her feet a moment later made it obvious that something was terribly wrong.

We got her to the hospital as quickly as we could, but it was too late.

Barely a month later, and Jimmy was dead too.

Sometimes I need some time on my own,
Sometimes I need some time all alone.
Everybody needs some time on their own,
Don't you know you need some time all alone?

“Do you miss him?” Michelle asked as we walked, her voice very quiet.

“Jimmy? Of course I do. Every day.”

“Well yes, but not only him. Liam. Do you miss him?”

I thought for a moment. “I don’t know. I think I miss what could have been. What we could have been.”

“Me too.” she said eventually, giving my hand a squeeze. “I don’t blame you for what happened. It was an accident.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“I did a lot of thinking over the last year. I think I have things figured out.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah...and maybe, once we’re done here, we could go for coffee or something. If you don’t mind, there’s some things I’d like to discuss with you? About...us?” She was definitely struggling for words, but I had a pretty good feeling about what she meant. Because I felt the same way.

“I wouldn’t mind at all.” I couldn’t help but smile as her face lit up, and she squeezed my hand again.

And when your fears subside and shadows still remain,
I know that you can love me when there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness we still can find a way,
Nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain.

Letting go of Michelle’s hand, I let the other bouquet of flowers lean against the headstone, beside the single date carved into it. We didn’t say anything, just stared intently down at the name carved into the cold marble.

Brian Liam Haner

I guess most couples wouldn’t pay to give their unborn child a headstone and cemetery plot, but then again, we definitely don’t fall into the category of “most couples”. Technically, we aren’t a couple at all. Not anymore.

But maybe, just maybe, that could change.

Like I said, no doubt it had been the beginning of the end. But who ever said endings can’t lead to eventual new beginnings?

Don't ya think that you need somebody?
Don't ya think that you need someone?
Everybody needs somebody,
You're not the only one, you're not the only one.