Numb

When I woke up, it was safe to say that I was thoroughly scared about where I was. The blankets wrapped around my frail body, not to mention everything else in the room, was unfamiliar to me. I could still feel my bra and underwear clinging to my body, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief, before I felt the bed shift from the opposite side.

“You’re awake, finally,” I heard the voice I knew all too well.

“What time is it?” I asked turning to study John’s face.

“A little after 11,” he said softly, “Are you feeling okay?”

“Just a little groggy, but otherwise fine,” I said forcing a smile.

“That’s good. Oh, Jobe brought your purse from the party last night; he said a girl gave it to him once she realized you had left.”

“Oh thank god,” I said knowing what awaited me in my bag, “Where is it?”

“On the counter,” he said putting his hand into his pocket, “And why was this in there?”

“It’s my morning pick me up,” I said feeling my body shake at the sight of the bag of white powder.

“What happened to you, Delaney? You were always the one who said she’d never turn out like this. Now look at you,” he said with pain in his eyes.

“Life happened, John,” I said reaching out for the bag, “Maybe if you didn’t leave me, and not answer my calls, I wouldn’t have resorted to this.”

“You knew that touring was my dream,” he said growing increasingly angry, “And I never missed a call from you, you know what. Stop blaming me for your problems, and tell me why you really do what you do.”

“I only tell people who seem to care about me,” I said getting up from bed, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere to be.”

“Over a mirror ruining your life,” he said causing me to stop dead in my tracks.

“Fuck you,” I yelled walking over and slapping him across the face, “You know nothing about what happened when you left. You don’t know what I go through every day.”

I stormed out of his bedroom, and grabbed my purse from his counter, barely noticing Josh sitting at the table, and grabbed my phone out as I stormed out of the front door. I got one foot out of the door, when I realized I was still only in my bra and booty shorts. I let out an aggravated scream, and turned back into the apartment, stomping to John’s room.

“Where’s my shirt?” I asked as I saw him sitting on the bed staring aimlessly at the ceiling.

“On the desk,” he said not bothering to look at me, “Your socks are there too, have fun ruining your life.”

I ignored the stinging I felt in my heart as the words passed his lips, and shrugged my shirt on and tossing my socks into my bag. I placed my phone to my ear as I left the room, and called the one person I knew would come pick me up.

“Doug? Hey, it’s Delaney. Can you pick me up at Red Hawk Ranch? I’m stranded,” I said putting a pout into my voice.

“I’ll be there in 5, what building,” he said causing me to smile.

“1483, I’m on the bench out front,” I said before hanging out and putting a cigarette to my lip.

I lit the cigarette, hoping that it would help curve my craving, and put my socks on my feet hoping to not get any colder than I already was. As soon as the black car pulled up to the curb, I was in it, and buckled in.

“Another one night stand, Delaney?” Doug asked taking in my disheveled appearance.

“It would’ve been better than what actually happened,” I said shaking my head, “Just got taken home by an old friend who was mad about my drug use.”

“Well, you know I love you no matter what,” he said placing his hand dangerously high on my thigh, “You’re coming to mine for a bit.”

I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant, and prepared myself for the activities soon to ensue. When we pulled up to his house, I got out, following him eagerly inside the dimly lit living room. I sat anxiously as he divided up the lines for us to snort, and felt my body stop shaking from withdrawal once I had snorted both lines. When the feeling had hit us both, the sex I had started giving up for drugs came almost instantly.

When it was all said and done, he dropped me off at my place, along with enough cocaine to get me through the next few days. I walked into the small one bedroom apartment, walking as fast as I could to the bathroom, and hopped into the shower. I scrubbed away at my body, wanting the smell of sex and beer off, before getting out and wrapping a towel around my body. I let my eyes travel to the scar on my left shoulder, and shuddered as memories filled my head.

I walked out of the small space, shaking my head to rid it from the thoughts that were plaguing it, and made my way into my bedroom. I glanced at the unmade bed, wanting to take a nap, but decided against it, knowing I would never wake up in time for work. I pulled on a pair of destroyed skinny jeans, followed by a zebra bandeau and white tanktop, before pulling my white Tom’s from the bottom of my closet. I only had to come out my hair when I got back to the bathroom, glad that it was naturally straight, and spray some holding spray in it. I put on enough makeup to cover the bags under my eyes, which looked more and more sunk in with every passing day, and lined them with my normal dark liner.

By the time I was done, I had an hour until work, which gave me enough time to snort a bump, and drive to the venue. After my small pick me up, I slipped my red Hit The Lights hoody on, and found my keys so I could start the semi-long drive to work.

======

I sat in the small box office, aimlessly surfing the internet on my laptop, waiting for the clock to turn to 10 so I could close up. As soon as the numbers appeared on the clock, I closed my laptop, and placed the plate in the opening signaling that we were closed. I pulled down the poster for the nights show, and passed it to Mitch, a security guard, knowing some fan would want it. I put my laptop into my shoulder bag, and left it in the cubicle so I could head to the bar.

“The norm?” Christian, the lead bartender asked as I sat on one of the stools.

“Yep, extra strong tonight,” I said nodding and blocking out the band on stage.

I smiled as he sat down the brown liquid, and took a long swig, smiling as a thanks for all of the alcohol he put in it. I looked at my phone, replying to Aubrey and Doug about when I would be at her place, and continued to suck down my drink. Once the glass was dry, I bid Christian goodbye, and made my way out of the bar. I grabbed my bag from it’s holding spot, and told my coworkers goodbye, before finding my keys and walking into the cool night air.

I put a cigarette to my lip instantly, wishing I had something stronger, and walked down the block to the lot that I had parked in. I dodged the regular homeless people on the street, not wanting to give any of my money away, and took longer than normal digging my keys out. I groaned at the figure on my hood, not wanting to deal with him, and pretended to smile as I pulled myself up next to him.

“Lovely night, isn’t it?” I asked trying to defuse the tension between us.

“Yeah, especially for early November,” he said flicking his own cigarette away, “Look, I just wanted to apologize for earlier.”

“No need, you were just concerned,” I said putting a hand up to silence him, “But you don’t have to be, I’m fine, I swear. If I ever need your help, I’ll ask for it. I promise.”

He nodded, obviously not completely agreeing with me but dropped it. I nibbled on my lower lip, forgetting about the cigarette in my hand, and could feel my phone vibrating in my front pocket. I looked at John, who heard the sounds, and quickly explained that I had somewhere to be. He nodded, hopping off the car, and helped me down as well. I watched as he walked across the lot to his car, and got into mine, feeling like an anchor was weighing down on my conscience.