Numb

The next morning was almost a repeat of the morning after the Halloween party. I went to find my morning fix, and nearly lost it when I noticed the baggie missing from the drawer in my bathroom. I had stormed into the living room, pulling John off of the couch, and yelled at him to give it back. He sat there while I laid the insults on him, and eventually just hugged me to prevent me from hitting him anymore.

Once my mood swing was over, he made me a small breakfast, and we talked about the program I’d be entering in under two hours. He told me he’d visit me on the designated visit days, and would be the one to pick me up when I was done. I promised that I would take the treatment seriously, and knew everything that was happening was for the better.

“I’ll see you on Wednesday, Laney,” John said as he hugged me outside of Katie’s car, “Be the strong girl I know you are.”

“Thank you, John, for everything,” I said tightening my grip around his waist, “I promise to find the girl I lost along the way.”

He tightened his grip, which I thought would’ve been impossible, and pressed a kiss to my hair. When he released me, I locked eyes with him and shot him a sad smile as I slid into the passenger seat. Katie pulled away from the curb, and I kept my eyes on his reflection in the side mirror until it disappeared. Katie made small talk with me the whole ride, and I had almost forgotten about the harsh reality I was going to face in mere minutes.

“Are you ready, Delaney?” she asked, pulling into one of the spots by the door.

“As ready as I can be,” I said unbuckling myself, “I just want you to know, that if I tell you I hate you, or anything like that in there, I don’t mean it. I appreciate this, I really do, but I know how short my fuse can get when I’m sober.”

She just nodded, and got out of the car so we could grab my bags. We walked in side by side, my duffles weighing down my shoulders and approached the desk slowly. I explained to the man behind the counter what I was checking myself in for, and he promptly took my bags to have them searched. I watched as a woman orderly took them, and sat in one of the chairs filling out all of the necessary paperwork. After signing and initialing more forms than I could remember, the man told me I was going to be ‘booked’, and that I was to follow the woman orderly from early to my room.

After a tearful goodbye from Katie, most of the tears coming from her, and followed the lady through a security door and down a bright hallway. A lot of the doors were open, showing people in states as bad as me, or worse, and they all stared at me like I was fresh meat. The room I was lead into was small, and barely had room for the twin sized bed, dresser and nightstand. My bags were on the bed, and the nurse told me I would have time to unpack before she came to get me for my first session.

When I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway, everything finally hit me.

I was in rehab, for my cocaine addiction, and had promised John that I would get better. The white walls were now holding me prisoner, and I would soon be spilling my life story to someone I had never met before in my life.

My heart beat quickened, and I paced around the room, not exactly knowing what to feel. I put my hands in my hair, and lightly pulled at it, trying not to have a full on mental breakdown. I tried talking myself down, aware of how insane I must have looked, but eventually gave up and slid down the wall crying. I pulled my knees to my chest, and dug my nails into my calves, trying to ease my pain. I let my whole body wrack with sobs, and was startled when a new orderly came in to escort me to my first meeting. I stood up, brushing my tears away furiously, and followed him down the hallway and into an office that didn’t feel as sterile as the rest of the building.

“Ms. Akard, it’s lovely to meet you, I’m Dr. Cohn, I’ll be your counselor for your stay here at Sunnybrook,” a tall, red haired woman said as I entered the room, “Take a seat dear.”

“Nice meeting you too,” I said awkwardly as I took the seat she motioned.

“Now, after examining your file, it says you’re here for cocaine addiction, is that correct?”

“Yes m’am,” I said with a nod, before looking down at my hands.

“I can already tell that it’s something you don’t like talking about,” she said making my head twitch in a nod, “How about we start with why you decided to enter rehab.”

“My friends did an intervention for me yesterday,” I said as my mouth went dry, “My best friend Katie started it off with telling me how much she missed the old me, but at that point I was still insanely angry with the circumstances. I brushed her off my shoulders, making a smart ass comment, and Stephen got completely fed up with me. He stood in front of me, yelling in my face about how much I’ve hurt everyone, and eventually stormed off. That’s when I started cracking, and asked the rest of them if they wanted to attack me anymore.

“Then, John decided to talk. He told me that he wanted the old me back, the one he fell in love with-“

“Is John your boyfriend, or ex?” Dr. Cohn asked while interrupting me.

“We never dated officially, but what we had could have technically been considered a relationship I suppose,” I said with a shrug, “We were always together when he wasn’t on tour, and talked every night when he was on tour. We just never made anything official; we had an understanding of sorts I guess.

“And I think that’s why him talking made me break yesterday. His voice sounded so hurt, and his eyes showed me tons more hurt. I never realized that finding me at parties, drugged up out of my mind, would hurt him so much.”

Imagining John’s face in my mind made tears roll down my cheeks, and I brushed them away, gladly accepting the tissue she handed me. I shakily took the water glass she had produced, and downed most of it in one gulp. I took a few deep breaths, and looked at Dr. Cohn, waiting for her to tell me to continue.

“This morning, in my stage of withdrawal, I yelled at hit John like I’ve done in the past. I was mad because he had stolen my last bag of cocaine and disposed of it while I was sleeping. He just let me do it, and hugged me to make me stop hitting him. I don’t like hurting him, or anyone important to me for that matter, but I felt like without the drugs, I would have to face my demons. Something I’m still unsure I can do.”

I looked up from my twiddling thumbs, making eye contact with Dr. Cohn and noticed that she held sympathy in her eyes. She explained to me that, at a much younger age, she had fought a battle with addiction, and had faced situations similar to mine. She told me I’d see her every day, and if I made enough progress, without showing signs of relapse, I would get out a few days early.

I was released to an orderly, and again found myself in the white box I would be calling home. I found a toiletry kit on my dresser, and grabbed the toothbrush so I could get ready for bed. I kept my head down as I went to the bathroom’s, and avoided talking to anyone. When I got back to my room, I opened my bags and found a pair of pajamas. I pulled out a faded red shirt, knowing it had belonged to John, and pulled it over my sleep shorts, hoping it would bring me some comfort of home.