Numb

I walked through the cold winter rain, my hair matting down to my head, and kept my head down so my eyes would be shielded. I could feel my phone vibrating from my purse, more than likely a text from Katie telling me to let her know when I got home, but decided against grabbing it so I wouldn’t ruin it. I turned down the dark street, still upset that my car was in the shop, and couldn’t wait to get it back in the morning.

I walked by one of the alleyways I despised, and quickened my pace out of habit. The headphones in my ears were playing a song too loud, and if I hadn’t had them in, I may have heard the footsteps behind me and known something was wrong before it actually happened.

My head was yanked back by my hair, and before I even could let out a yelp of pain, another hand was over my mouth. I thrashed violently, my earbuds finally falling out, and felt my legs being grabbed by what I was sure was another man. The tears from my fear were already streaming down my face, and I shut my eyes tightly as I was taken into the alley way.

“Make one fucking noise, and I will slit your throat,” a gruff voice said pressing what I could tell was a knife against my throat.

I nodded, the tears coming faster, and kept my eyes clenched as my jeans were ripped down my legs, followed closely by my underwear. His hands touched me everywhere, the guy holding me taking a chance to fondle my chest, and I bit at my tongue so I wouldn’t let out cries or screams. The knife pressed deeper into my skin, and I felt the man enter me with a force that sent pain throughout my body.

I wanted to thrash, and try to escape, but I knew it would only end up with me having a slit throat so I endured the pain. Once the first attacker had finished, leaving me completely sore, the second man entered me, and caused me even more pain than the first. I had been crying so hard that my diaphragm had started to spasm, making it harder to control my breathing.

“You keep those eyes closed until you can’t hear footsteps, understood?”

“And so I did,” I said finishing up my story account of the rape, “I waited, got myself dressed and sat in that alleyway and cried for who knows how long.”

“So you never got a look at your attackers?” she asked, finally stopping her writing.

“No, I was too scared that they’d catch me and come to kill me,” I said grabbing a tissue off of the desk.

“And how did Aubrey and Doug come into your life?”

“When I finally stumbled out of the alley way, I ran into Aubrey, who could tell what had happened I assumed. She offered to help me home, which I was very grateful for, and I told her what had happened as we sat in my living room.

“She offered me some of her cocaine, and I figured I had nothing else to lose that night, so I took a few bumps. I loved the numbing sensation it gave me, and since then it’s been history.”

She nodded, staring at my face, and I twitched nervously under her glance. I felt like a weight was off of my chest, and that caused another wave of tears to come out of my eyes. I bent over, burying my face in my knees, and sobbed extremely hard. My stomach, not used to all of the lurching it was experiencing, made the bile rise in my throat quickly, and made me dash for the trashcan across the room.

I emptied my stomach, profusely apologizing to Dr. Cohn when I was done, and gladly accepted the glass of water and aspirin she was offering. I took the pills, knowing they’d cure my oncoming headache, and stood up so she could take me back to my room. I walked a few steps in front of her, wanting to just lay down, and was glad when I made it to my room, and she told me that tomorrow was visiting day.

“I think it might be a good time to let John know what really happened,” she said with a soft smile, “Just a thought.”

===========

I sat nervously at one of the common room tables, and picked away at what remained of the black nail polish on my nails. My black skinny jeans weren’t as baggy, thanks to the few pounds I had put back on since being here, but my cardigan still hung loosely on me. I wiped my sweaty palms against my legs, and stood up as I saw John walk into the room. Our paces towards each other quickened, and I latched my arms around him as tightly as I could when we reached each other.

“I missed you,” I said into his neck, not wanting to let him go.

“I missed you too,” he said releasing me, “How’s it going in here?”

“It was rough the first two nights, due to withdrawals, but since then, it’s been good,” I said instructing him to follow me to a more secluded area so I could talk to him, “I’m really thankful for you guys putting me in here. I really needed it.”

“You’re welcome,” he said sitting on the couch next to me, “I’m glad you’re getting better.”

I smiled, and grabbed his hand, playing silently with his calloused fingers. He was telling me things that my friends had asked him to pass on, and I smiled at how much they seemed to be concerned with my progress. I explained to him some of the treatment I was going through, and new that I had to tell him the real reason I had started the drugs.

“So, in therapy yesterday, my doctor said it’d be a good idea to tell you what happened when I started taking the drugs,” I said sucking in a breath, “It may take me a while to actually spit it out, but just promise to listen and not interrupt me until I’m done, okay?”

“I promise,” he said gazing into my eyes.

I took a few shaky breaths, and finally started telling him about my experience last winter. I talked slowly about what had happened, making sure not to leave out any details about that horrible night. Right before I told him about the rape, I started crying, and was only clamed when he took my hand and rubbed circles on the back of it with his thumb.

My mouth was almost completely dry when I told him the near play by play of the rape, and the look in his eyes was one that was hard for me to read. I told him how Aubrey had found me, and how I had found a friend in the drug that made me forget all of my problems.

“I just wish you would’ve told me,” he said still holding my hand, “I would’ve come home and helped you through it all.”

“I didn’t want both of our dreams to be crushed,” I said finally looking up into his eyes, “I came to term with the rape really early on, but the news that I couldn’t ever have children killed me. I had always wanted to start a family, and that was taken from me by two inconsiderate assholes.

“And I never wanted to tell you that, because I was scared you’d leave whatever we had, because you had always wanted a family when you were ready. I didn’t want to take that away from you, so I tried to distance myself from you.

“That’s why I would freak out in the mornings when I would see you, because I wanted to make you hate me so bad. I didn’t want you to like anything about me anymore, but now I realize that I just hurt you in the long run.”

I could tell everything I was saying was really sinking in, and watched as the sadness took over his face. It only caused more tears to fall down my face, and even his warm embrace couldn’t stop them from coming. I cried openly into his shoulder, letting someone close to me see the pain I felt nearly every day.

“I could never hate you, in any way, no matter how hard I tried,” John said softly into my hair, “What happened to you was horrible, and if I wouldn’t want to help you through that, I would be a terrible person. Who cares if you can’t have a child? You could adopt one, and take them out of the lifestyle that isn’t right for them, something I know you would love to do.

“I will always have a place in my heart for you, and more than likely always love you endlessly. When you’re released from here, I’m going to prove that to you, and hope that you’ll let me.”

I smiled, nodding to let him know I’d let him, and squeezed him tighter. He pulled away, kissing my forehead, and we both frowned when an orderly told us visiting time was over. We both stood up, hugging each other one final time, and I watched sadly as he walked out the door, and retreated to my room where I would wait to see Dr. Cohn, and tell her about how John and I’s discussion went.