The Edge

She stood on a tight rope suspended over a blackness so deep it felt like it would swallow her from where she stood. She knew she wasn't supposed to look into the darkness. She didn't think of how she knew this. She knew that if she did look she would fall into the nothing and everyone she loved and respected would be disappointed in her inability to avoid temptation. She was filled with this heavy, sinking feeling that she was eventually going to look because she wasn't enough. She stood on the tight rope precariously clinging with her toes, stretching through her spine in an attempt to balance. Her breath was coming in short quick gasps and her heart felt like it was pounding so hard she would be pushed forward and fall from the force of it. The acid was starting to build up in her muscles and she felt herself beginning to tremble. She suddenly felt dizzy and she swayed. The heavy knowledge sloshed through her body and she swayed farther and farther out over the deep. Her blood started to fizz with panic so she flailed her arms around for something to hold on to only to find there was nothing there. She was alone, so utterly alone. She felt that it was only a matter of time before she fell. At the edge of the great precipice with the knowledge that her efforts were futile and she was helpless, so utterly helpless.
And then a small thready but bright voice said, "It's okay, it's only a dream. You're fine. You're safe. You are enough."
Immediately a thousand louder voices chimed in as one, "Are you sure? Are you certain this is only a dream? Are you willing to bet everything on it? Your life?"
She started to feel more relaxed because she was definitely willing to bet her life on it. She didn't believe her life was all that big of a loss.
Almost before that thought had finished the legion of voices chimed out again, "Are you willing to bet those that you respect? Those that you love?"
And the sinking feeling got heavier and increased in pressure because she was definitely not willing to risk them. How could she be enough to save them? She wasn't. She wasn't enough and she had never believed that she was. Her fear of never being enough began to overwhelm her because she knew down in the pit of her stomach that she would never ever be enough. She would fail everyone and it was inevitable. Her helpless weakness was crushing the breath of life from her. She began to feel light headed at the lack of air. She felt her limbs being dragged down, down, down into the deep black darkness. She felt her heart try to pound it's way through her brain and her stomach begin to float around her middle.
The small thready voice spoke again, "It's okay to fall. This is a dream and when you do fall you'll wake up. It won't be permanent. It won't even last a second. You're fine."
But before she could even start to consider believing this the thousand other voices screamed out, "BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW? For all you know this is the absolute reality. This is it and when you fall you will continue to fall forever. When you finally look at the darkness you will see that it never ends. You will fall forever, helpless, into nothing. Alone. A failure. You will, you will, you will, you will-"
And the words just kept repeating in her head, beating down her trust and what seemed like all of the uncertainty in the universe flooded into the space where her trust used to be.
It didn't matter. She knew she was going to fall because she knew she wasn't going to regain her balance. When she fell she would know who spoke the truth and she almost welcomed it. Just to know for sure would be a relief.
And then her feet slipped and she fell.