Rite of Passage

Waking up was a disorientating experience.

The first thing I became aware of was the soft give of leather beneath my body, and the gentle weight of a worn blanket covering me. I shifted, frowning; my mattress at home was lumpy as fuck, and my duvet certainly didn’t smell like men’s aftershave and cigarette smoke. Of course, as soon as I moved, I became aware of the disgustingly sickly feeling in my stomach and the raw feeling of my damaged throat as I swallowed against the nausea. My teeth felt fuzzy and my eyes heavy.

“Fuck,” I groaned, squinting one eye open slowly.

It was a relief to my corneas that the room was dark around me. Dark and vaguely familiar. Slowly, I swung my feet over the side of what I now realised was a couch, my toes sinking into a plush rug. I frowned down at them – I was sure I’d been wearing boots. I gulped as I shoved the blanket from my legs. Fuck, and pants.

I stood shakily, the hem of Matt’s jumper lowering several inches. The material not only brushed the middle of my thighs but swamped my hands completely, so I shoved the sleeves back as I attempted to focus on my surroundings.

It only took a moment to realise that I was in Matt’s flat. If the drum set in the corner hadn’t been a giveaway, then the drumming magazines cluttering the coffee table certainly were. Even through the darkness, I recognised the furniture and large, extravagant stereo set. I hadn’t been there in a long time, but my memory had always been something I could rely on.

Which was why I panicked completely when I realised that I had absolutely no recollection of getting there. Groaning, I pressed my cool fingers to my eyes and frowned, concentrating.

I was groaning for an entirely different reason when flashes of my memory were restored to me. I remembered that first sip of vodka… and the second… but things started to get hazy after the fifth or sixth. There was a dark-haired guy and… god, I remembered the feel of hands and lips on my body.

Had I lost my virginity? How could I lose it and not remember a thing? And how the fuck did I get to Matt’s?

Panicking, I stumbled over my own feet as I wandered from the living room to the kitchen, where I could see a slant of light shining from beneath the door. It was only when I pushed open the door, cringing at the loud squeal of the hinges, that I remembered the incident with Matt in the woods.

My timing officially sucked. I couldn’t have remembered two seconds earlier, when I still had time to leg it out of there and book a one way ticket to China? Nope, my brain wasn’t that nice to me.

Matt’s back was to me as he fiddled with something on the stove, and I was reminded of my earlier confrontation with him. Like then, he didn’t bother to turn around, and I took the time to notice that he’d at some point changed into a pair of loose basketball shorts. His back was bare and smooth, causing my stomach to clench for reasons other than the lasting effects of alcohol.

“Um…” I croaked, wincing at the rusty sound of my voice.

“Thought you might want some mouthwash,” Matt gestured to the counter beside him, where a bottle of Listerine was perched. “I don’t have a spare toothbrush or anything, but it’s always the first thing I do when I wake up after a booze up.”

I chose to ignore his phrasing and instead padded over to the bottle, my feet near soundless on the laminate flooring. “Thank you,” I murmured.

“Bathroom’s that way,” he pointed vaguely to the left, still not bothering to look at me. I didn’t stop to ask what he was doing cooking at – I glanced at the clock on the microwave – four thirty in the morning, but grabbed the bottle and turned in the direction he’d pointed. I remembered where the bathroom was, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

I took my sweet time rinsing out my mouth, repeating the process over and over again until my teeth felt clean and my breath fresh. It was only when I was sure all traces of vomit were removed from my mouth that I looked up into the mirror over the sink, immediately groaning.

My blue eyes were dull, my dark hair a mess on my head. Unable to do anything more, I settled for splashing cold water on my face and arranging my hair in a bun atop my head, securing it with a bobble from my wrist.

To put it simply, I looked like utter shit, but was faced with little choice but to venture back to the kitchen. The least I could do was thank Matt for babysitting me, even if he wanted nothing to do with me.

My nostrils were immediately assailed with the greasy smell of bacon when I entered the kitchen once more. Matt was piling the source of the smell, eggs and sausages onto a plate, his eyes focused completely on the task at hand.

“What’re you-”

“You need to eat something or you’ll just throw up again. Sit,” he instructed, practically slamming the plate down on the breakfast bar opposite the cooker. I swallowed nervously; if I had to face Matt’s wrath then I would have preferred it be in the form of yelling. This calm fury scared the shit out of me, particularly since I could practically feel waves of rage radiating from him tense frame. “Sit,” he repeated, more forcefully, when I just blinked at him.

I sat. My stomach twisted at the sight of the mountain of grease, and I opened my mouth to explain that I didn’t think I was capable of swallowing anything, but Matt beat me to the punch.

“It’ll help yeh, believe it or not.” He slammed a mug down beside the plate, the familiar aroma of the contents causing my brows to rise in surprise.

“Hot chocolate?” I jerked my gaze up to his, but shrank back slightly when I saw that he was glowering at me.

“It’s your favourite, isn’t it?” he demanded. I gulped and nodded, feeling suddenly like a small child being chastised by their parent.

“Matt, I’m sorry-” I’m not even entirely sure I knew what I was supposed to be apologising for, but I didn’t even get a chance to scramble for an end to my sentence. Clearly, he didn’t care for my half-assed apologies.

“Eat.”

Sighing, I picked up my fork hesitantly. He was watching me, lighting up a cigarette as he leant back against the kitchen counter facing me, the picture of relaxation. The short puffs he took from his cigarette told me he was anything but at ease, however, the tip glowing menacingly against the dimmed lighting of the room.

The first bite slid sickeningly down to my stomach, and I winced, waiting for the warnings of projectile vomit. But though the food sat heavily, I didn’t feel the urge to throw up. Tentatively, I took a sip of the hot chocolate. The warmth of it was smooth rather than the sharp, artificial heat of vodka, the taste exploding deliciously on my tongue. My eyes closed in appreciation for the moment, and I felt the prickle of tears at the back of them as I recalled that Matt’s hot chocolate had always been the best.

“Thank you,” I stated genuinely, opening my eyes. For a moment Matt just stared at me.

“You talk in your sleep, you know.” He blurted randomly, eyes narrowing. He scratched at his jaw in an absentminded gesture, his fingers scraping audibly against 5 o’clock shadow.

“Um, what?” I knew I did, had since I was little, but my mind could in no way connect this to Matt.

“It used to be really funny when yeh were younger,” he continued, ignoring me. “Yeh’d started muttering about maths homework and hair straighteners.” His lips twitched to form an amused smirk, but I felt my face explode with heat.

“Oh, God,” I muttered under my breath, poking at a sausage with my fork.

“Yeah… used to be really fuckin’ cute. But yeh were doin’ it last night and, trust me, your words weren’t so fuckin’ innocent this time.” He took a rather forceful drag from his cigarette.

Dear God, please let the ground swallow me whole. My gaze remained fixed on my plate, my body paralysed by the fear of what I may or may not have said.

He stubbed out his cigarette in a nearby saucer, exhaling a long stream of smoke. “Reminded me of the last time I heard yeh talk in your sleep, actually,” he stated thoughtfully, a bitter look momentarily crossing his features.

“The last time?” I croaked, glancing up.

He nodded slowly, eyes boring into mine. Hi gaze was so direct, so searing, that it left me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

“Yeh remember that tour we went on after your sixteenth? We all crashed in your livin’ room when we got back – fell asleep watching a film?”

I remembered. Of course I fucking remembered; that was around the time things had started getting weird around us.

Matt pushed himself off the counter and moved slowly forward until he was leaning on the breakfast far, his face just inches from mine. I could smell the tobacco on his breath and the faint scent of his aftershave. My mind whirred.

“I was crashed out right beside yeh, but woke up in the middle of the night to take a leak. Yeh were just murmurin’ when I left, but by the time I got back you were groanin’.” I swallowed nervously, and he titled his head to the side curiously. “I thought you were havin’ a nightmare or somethin’, so I nudged yeh a bit. Yeh moaned again, and d’yeh know what you moaned out that time?”

It was obvious I was supposed to provide an answer, so I shook my head quickly. I had my suspicions, but I prayed to whichever gods were listening that I was wrong. “No, what did I say?”

He leant back again, sighing. “My name. You moaned my fuckin’ name, Holly.”

I closed my eyes tight. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anythin’… I could have – could have been havin’ a nightmare… or-”

“No, Hols. The way you said it – it really fuckin’ freaked me out,” he muttered, dragging a hand through his hair. “You should really eat more,” he nodded to the plate.

I gulped and toyed with my fork, twirling it round my fingers. “Why didn’t yeh say somethin’?” I questioned softly.

Matt shrugged. “Didn’t wanna embarrass yeh when I realised yeh had a crush on me. Yeh were just a kid,” his shoulders lifted once more again, as though that was all there was to it. My face had literally never been hotter, and all I wanted in that moment was to die in a hole. He’d failed completely in his aim of not embarrassing me.

In an attempt to hide my burning cheeks, I dropped the fork and picked up the mug of hot chocolate, taking a large sip. It calmed me somewhat.

“I thought the best thing to do was to stay away, ‘specially since I didn’t fancy yeh back. I mean, yeh were sixteen; what kind of sick fuck would I have to be to fancy a sixteen year old?” I wanted to point out that, in this day and age, seven years wasn’t even that big of an age difference, but my throat felt like it was closing up and tears of shame were dangerously close to spilling over.

“Thought a bit of distance for a while would make yeh, I dunno, fancy some guy your own age or somethin’” he shrugged, stealing the hot chocolate so he could take a drink himself. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.

“Yeh consider two years ‘a while’?” I demanded incredulously, my shame forgotten as frustration took its place. He’d stayed away from me for two goddamn years because he knew I fancied him, ignoring the issue rather than approaching me about it?

“No.” He shook his head, frowning. “But the more I stayed away, the more I missed yeh.” He blinked at me as though that explained everything.

“I don’t get it,” I admitted. “If yeh missed me, why didn’t yeh stop bein’ such a dick?”

He smiled at that, but it seemed like a sad smile to me. His anger had faded completely, leaving only weariness behind. “Yeh don’t get it, do yeh? It fuckin’ scared me, how much I missed yeh, and then by the time I realised….”

“Realised what?” I all but shouted, throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. Suddenly it didn’t matter that he’d known I fancied him all along, or that I was sitting in his kitchen in nothing but his jumper. What mattered was that he had absolutely no reason to have treated me like utter shit for the past two years.

“God, I really didn’t want to ever have to say this.” He shook his head, casting his eyes aside momentarily. “D’yeh know why I got so pissed at yeh last night?”

“Not really, no,” I admitted coldly.

He exhaled lowly. “I think yeh’re better than randomly fucking guys in woods, Hols. It pissed me off that I didn’t know what the hell was goin’ on in your life anymore, especially since I didn’t even know yeh’d started properly drinkin’.” There was a frown marring his forehead once more. “I guess I didn’t expect yeh to change so much.”

“I haven’t changed at all,” I defended.

He scoffed, but it wasn’t angry and angry sound – he simply didn’t believe me. “Yeah, cos sixteen year old Holly would ‘ave gotten totally fucked and then gotten half naked with some guy in the woods. And she really would have started muttering about that John twat in her sleep when I brought her back to mine to sleep it off.” His hands curled into fists on the counter, sinews popping into stark relief against his tanned hands.

“Seriously, Matt, I’m exactly the same as I was when we were really good friends. Last night … It was the first time I’ve ever really drank,” I confessed.

He blinked owlishly at me for a second before frowning deeply. “Why last night, of all nights?”

“I was pissed at you,” I explained slowly. “I thought that was obvious.”

Matt seemed to have difficulty registering this information. “Yeh were pissed at me, so yeh got drunk and tried to fuck a random guy?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have put it like that, but-”

“Yeh’re just some stupid little kid, you know that?”

I flinched, taken completely by surprise. He was angry again and, unlike before, this time I knew I was the direct cause of it. “Excuse me?” I demanded incredulously.

“What, was it just some childish ploy to try and make me jealous?” Matt demanded, his voice rising in volume.

“What? No!” I frowned. “How the fuck was I supposed to know you were gonna wander into the woods while I was hookin’ up with him? And how could I make you jealous when you don’t even like me?” He opened his mouth to say something, but I didn’t let him. “I was trying to fuck that guy because, believe it or not, I’m sick of being a fucking virgin!”

I regretted the words the very moment they left my lips. There was a moment of utter silence; neither of us moved, and I was pretty sure he’d stopped breathing. My eyes widened with the realisation of what I’d just confessed. “Oh, shit…”

Something told me I could have slapped Matt and he would have been less taken aback. “Yeh’re a virgin?”

“No,” I squeaked, averting my eyes. “No, I’m not a-”

“Yeh just said… Yeh’re a virgin?” he repeated, as though he couldn’t believe it.

“God, you know what?” I took a deep breath, sick to my stomach of all the lies and evasiveness. “Yeah. I am. Deal with it.” I threw my hands up in the air. “You just said yourself that I’m not the type of girl to hook up with random guys. I’ve never liked anyone enough to sleep with them, okay?” I was glowering now, my jaw set in a stubborn line as I crossed my arms defensively over my chest.

Matt swallowed loudly. “Yeh’re a virgin.”

“Oh, my God, are you broken?”

He actually laughed, albeit weakly, leaning his elbows on the breakfast bar and burying his head in his hands. “Yeh’re a virgin,” he stated for what I hoped was the last time, a strange desperation filling his voice.

“Can yeh please stop saying that now? It’s embarrassin’ enough as it is.”

He raised his head, eyebrows quirked quizzically. “Why are yeh embarrassed?”

“Are yeh shittin’ me right now?” I deadpanned.

He shook his head, completely serious. “No, I’m not shittin’ yeh.”

“Oh. Okay. Well let’s regroup, shall we?” I began sarcastically. “Not only am I nearly eighteen, but we’ve established that I’ve fancied yeh for a pretty long time, and now yeh know I’ve never had sex. So, yeah, I’m embarrassed.”

Matt backed up a step, eyes wary, hands spread before him. “Back up. Yeh still fancy me?” he demanded.

My jaw slackened slightly. “I thought we were just talkin’ about that. It’s why you stopped hangin’ around me, remember?”

“Well, yeah, at the start. But then…” The words hung heavily before us, thickening the air with a palpable tension,

“But isn’t that why we haven’t been proper friends in two years? Why else would yeh have stayed away?”

“Fuck.” He dragged his hands roughly over his face. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Fuck, what? Why’re yeh sayin’ fuck?”

He let his hands fall and his head his head loll back to stare up at the ceiling. When he spoke, his voice was soft and quiet. “Holly, I’ve spent the past two years tellin’ myself that yeh didn’t matter. That your opinion meant nothin’ to me.”

“Thanks a bunch,” I muttered.

“Jesus, Holly.” He lowered his head and his eyes to me now. “That’s the point; I couldn’t do it. I was talkin’ to your brother tonight,” I shifted uncomfortably at the mention of Lee, but Matt carried on, “and he told me that yeh were pissed yeh couldn’t listen to our album.”

My eyes narrowed suspiciously on him, and he chewed on his lower lip absentmindedly. “What the fuck does that have to do with you?”

He sighed. “I’m the reason yeh couldn’t listen to it.”

“What?” I was confused, to say the least.

“I told the guys not to let yeh listen to it. I didn’t want your opinion to matter to me,” he finished, shrugging his shoulders.

I groaned. “That is the stupidest… did the guys not ask why yeh didn’t want me listenin’ to it? And I still don’t even understand what yeh’re getting’ at! If yeh don’t care about my opinion on the album, then I won’t fuckin’ listen to it!”

“Of course the guys asked. Yeh’re Malia’s little sister – yeh’re always one of the first to hear it. The guys know what’s going on. They-”

“Well I don’t fuckin’ know what’s goin’ on, so can you please enlighten me?” The whole thing was making absolutely no sense to me, and it was beginning to piss me off majorly. “I’m not the stupid little kid everyone – including you, apparently – seems to think I am!”

“God. I know yeh’re not stupid. Fuckin’ smarter than any of us give yeh credit for.” He licked his lips almost nervously. “It clicked with Oli first, a while back. He talked to me tonight, and he told me what yeh’d said to him earlier.”

“What I said earlier?”

“He told yeh that everyone missed yeh, and yeh said yeh didn’t think everyone did. That right?”

“Yeah,” I said slowly. “But I don’t-”

“I take it that you think I haven’t missed yeh? It was me yeh were referrin’ to?”

“Yes, but-”

It wasn’t the first time Matt had cut me off tonight, and I’d known he would probably do it again. I just really wasn’t expecting him to cut me off the way he did.

Looking back, I don’t know what I’d have done had I known he was going to kiss me. Maybe rinsed my mouth out with Listerine one more time, or have forgone the greasy food. I like to think that, given time to fully prepare myself, I would have been able to enthusiastically respond to the kiss.

As it was, he took me so by surprise that all I could do was sit there. His lips were on mine barely five seconds, soft and warm, and by the time I’d even thought about kissing him back, he was pulling away. I was left with a sense of his desperation and frustration.

“That explain things a little?” he asked, his voice croaky.

“Um, I wanna say yes…” I was still staring at him, wide-eyed and perplexed. If anything, I was more confused than ever.

He seemed strangely calm now, as though the worst was over. “I spent the past two years convinvin’ myself that your opinion doesn’t matter, but the truth is that it matters the most.”

“But yeh’ve barely spoken to me when yeh didn’t have to. I felt like you hated me or somethin’.” I swallowed against the lump in my throat.

“Hols. I don’t hate you.” In a surprisingly tender move, he reached up to cup my cheeks in his large, calloused palms. “I stayed away because I thought that it would be easier to pretend that way. I didn’t want to face the fact that I was fuckin’ in love with one of my best mate’s little sister. It was way too fuckin’ cliché for my likin’.”

My breath came whooshing out in a high-pitched squeak. “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

His dark gaze burnt into mine, eyes searching my face. I don’t know what he was looking for, but I guess he found it; his expression became tender. And I finally got it: he wasn’t angry at me – hadn’t been the whole night. He was angry with himself. With the world. “I said that I’m in love with yeh. To be honest, I’m surprised yeh didn’t pick up on it earlier; the guys have been teasin’ me about it for years.”

“Years?” I croaked.

“Years. Course, at first I thought they were all barmy. I thought I loved yeh the right amount for one of your brother’s older mates, but then they started pointin’ out some home truths to me after I found out yeh fancied me.”

“Like what?” My skin was burning where he was touching me, and I reached up to tentatively loop my fingers round his wrists. My heart was hammering so hard I was surprised he couldn’t hear it.

“Like the fact that yeh’re the only bird on the planet who makes me laugh like a fuckin’ lunatic, even when yeh don’t mean to.” He smiled crookedly when a blush took over my face, a dimple popping out in his cheek. My pulse spiked. “And then there’s the fact that yeh’re the only person who can tolerate me when my ADHD takes over.”

“I always found it cute,” I mumbled, looking briefly down.

“Yeah?” He smiled, and I nodded. “Well, how about the fact that my heart beats a mile a fuckin’ minute when I’m around you, and that I was more gutted than I can explain when yeh didn’t come on tour with us last summer?”

I realised then that this was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen Matt. He didn’t say shit like this, ever, so for him to be telling me these things now… he was giving me the chance to right things between us. It was a chance I could never have passed up.

“I thought yeh didn’t want me around you,” I explained. If Matt – crazy, reckless Matt – could be honest with me, the least I could do was offer him the truth. “I seriously spent the past two years thinkin’ yeh hated me.”

“I’m sorry,” Matt murmured sincerely. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I was just… confused. I didn’t think I’d fall properly in love until I were older, and even then it wouldn’t be with Malia’s little sister,” he smiled half-heartedly.

“You really love me? I mean, seriously fuckin’ love me?” I questioned uncertainly, letting my hands fall from him. I wasn’t completely sure that he wasn’t taking the piss out of me. He could never be that cruel, that much I knew, but after two years of moody behaviour the last thing I ever expected was a declaration of love. I would wake up at any moment on my lumpy mattress, nursing a hangover and regretting that I’d ever left the house.

Matt let his hands slide from my face with a frown.

“I seriously fuckin’ love yeh, Holly. This isn’t some sick joke.” After two years, he still knew how my mind worked. “I’ve literally never wanted to kill anyone before last night,” he stated, eyes flattening. “But that guy… fuckin’ hell, I was mad. Really mad. And now that I know yeh’re a virgin, I’m just getting’ madder about it.” He cursed violently and shoved away from the breakfast bar to stalk over to his cigarettes. I guess I had my answer.

I took my chances with his anger, trusting that it wasn’t directed at me, and slipped from my chair to approach him. “Do the guys know how I feel about yeh?” I questioned softly, crossing my arms over my stomach.

He lit up a cigarette, shoulders hunching over. “Holly, I don’t even know how yeh feel about me.”

“I would have thought tonight made that obvious.”

“Guess not.” He blew out a stream of smoke, regarding me seriously. It pained me to see such a sombre expression on his face; the Matt I knew would be smiling until the day he died.

“Oh.” I took a few steps towards him. “You mind if I try something?”

“What?”

“Uh, you might wanna put the fag down.” He furrowed his brows, but crushed the end obediently.

I smiled nervously and closed the distance between us with tiny baby steps. He didn’t move as I raised myself to my tiptoes and carefully placed my hands on his bare chest, just watched me with careful eyes. The rapid pounding of his heart beneath my fingertips was reassuring. This was real. It wasn’t a dream, and he wasn’t pulling a sick prank on me.

I kissed him softly, nervous despite the fact that he had kissed me only moments earlier. My shocked squeal was muffled against his lips when he yanked me to his body, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist.

I won’t lie, it was weird to know that I was kissing Matt – the same Matt who used to make me hot chocolate when I was feeling sick and let me beat the shit out of his drum kit when I was pissed off, despite the fact that I seemed to have no natural rhythm whatsoever – but it was also more amazing to have his mouth on mine than I could ever describe.

He didn’t stick his tongue down my throat, and his hands never strayed from their tight hold on my waist, but I still felt like I’d stuck my fingers into an electric socket by the time I pulled slowly away. My eyes were heavy and my breathing choppy, but Matt’s eyes were as glazed as mine, and his hands seemed to be shaking against my body.

“Just in case that didn’t make it clear, I love you.”

It felt good to say it out loud. To finally admit that the feelings I’d harboured for him for years weren’t as childish as they seemed in my head. They may have begun that way, but at some point in time a crush had turned into love, and my obsession with him had become all-consuming.

“Yeah?” he smiled, looking strangely vulnerable. It hit me, in that moment, that I’d never seen him look at anyone else the way he was looking at me, and that all the looks I’d interpreted as pure loathing over the past two years were nothing more than blankets for the look he was giving me now.

“Yeah. But, er, just to save any confusion, can you please stop ignoring me now?”

He closed his eyes tightly and bent forward to rest his forehead on mine. “God, this is so seriously fucked.”

“What?” I leant back slightly, wanting to look at him. My heart sank slightly at the resigned look in his eyes.

“I mean, what’re we supposed to do about this?”

“I don’t follow,” I confessed. “What’re yeh getting’ at?”

“Holly, I’m gone for like nine months out of the year, if not more, and yeh’re so much younger than me… not to mention Malia’s little sister. Virgin sister.” It was clear to see that the words pained him, and I struggled to keep my head above the tidal wave of anxiety that washed over me.

“I thought yeh said all the guys knew? Includin’ Lee?”

“They do,” he agreed, “But-”

“Right, so that’s not a problem. I’m gonna be eighteen soon, so it’s not like age is even really a problem. And… I dunno… if you want, I don’t mind waiting round for yeh when yeh’re tourin’.” I shrugged, biting my lip, struggling to remain calm and keep the panic at bay. Truth was, I knew I wouldn’t hesitate to wait for him; if he wanted me, I’d always be waiting.

Matt frowned deeply. “Yeh shouldn’t have to be waitin’ round for me. Like yeh just said, yeh’re eighteen; yeh should be off doin’ stupid shit, not hangin’ round with a bunch of guys in their twenties.”

I couldn’t help the laughter that spluttered from my mouth.

“What’s so funny?” he demanded.

“Oh, come on, Matt. It’s not like you lot are all mature and sophisticated. I can be off doin’ stupid shit with you. And, er, I guess… if it’s okay with you… I could take a gap year before uni or somethin’. Oli’s been beggin’ me to tour with you guys for a bit…” I trailed off, regarding his indecipherable expression unsurely.

“But what if somethin’ happens – if we don’t work out. Yeh can’t put a hold on your future just for me when everythin’ could so easily go tits up. This is gonna make me sound like a right fag, but I don’t wanna lose you.” He squeezed my waist gently, as though reinforcing the statement. “Look how much I’ve fucked everythin’ up in the past two years! I’ll ruin it, I know I will. I’m no fuckin’ good for yeh, Hols. It doesn’t take a genius to work that one out.” He started to pull away, his mind apparently already made up, but I grabbed his arms to keep him in place.

“Matt, if the past two years have taught us anythin’, it’s that feelings can’t just be switched off. From now on, I swear I’ll tell yeh when yeh’re bein’ a twat. I fuckin’ miss you,” I stated forcefully, shaking him slightly. He didn’t look fully convinced. “Matt, I miss yeh so fuckin’ much, and I swear to God I’m not letting yeh walk away from me again. If you’re no good for me then I really don’t think anyone else will be either.”

“But what if we’re totally shit for each other?”

I didn’t believe it, not for a second, but it seemed to be a real concern for him.

“But what if we’re perfect for each other?” I murmured.

For a moment, I thought it wasn’t going to be enough, but then Matt smiled slowly, and my heart filled with hope. It seemed like I’d managed to drill some sense into that thick skull of his.

“I like the sound of that.”

“Me too.” I was smiling when his lips caught mine.