Priceless

~~~

I was scared of many things—cockroaches, rats, losing my loved ones, murderers, and so on, but at this moment one fear was above them all, and it was the fear of opening my eyes.

I was already awake, though, and aware of everything that had happened hours ago. I knew that I had fully surrendered myself to the guy who was lying beside me right now, but despite that fact I was still wishing that it was only a dream. It seemed so right when it happened and I wasn't regretting it, until a few minutes ago when the sun rose and I realized it was probably wrong. Mainly because I was still in a relationship with someone else, but also because I didn't even fully know Stephen yet. I didn't even know when his birthday was, or what his favourite colour was, or what did he want to be before he decided on being in a band. What if he wasn't who I thought he was? What if he was actually a killer?

Okay, those were probably a little low. But I couldn't help it, I was frustrated, thanks to the recklessness I had practiced when in the first place I agreed to be alone with him. Maybe I could blame it on the alcohol we had imbibed, but I knew it wasn't solely the reason. The issue was more on my self-control, really. It was more on my feelings for him. Not the alcohol, not the moonlight, not the closeness. Well, maybe it was. I wasn't sure. I couldn't really decide if I regretted it or not. Part of me did because of Alex and that whole not-fully-knowing Stephen was just an excuse to lessen myself from the guilt, part of me didn't because...because it seemed right...it felt right.

I felt him move a bit closer to me and I couldn’t help but pray that he wouldn’t notice I was already up. But apparently it was not my day because he kissed that spot between my shoulders and my neck that made me feel weak, and then he said, “Good morning, Bails.”

I most certainly was too bothered to speak. I bit my lip and closed my eyes real hard, still hoping that I was just under a really lifelike dream, but it was hard to believe that illusion when I knew what the truth was.

“Bails?” he called when I didn’t respond. I was afraid to face him but I knew he was waiting for me to do that. I kept still, very, very afraid to move but then he carefully touched my shoulder and tried to turn me to him. I couldn’t exactly recoil from his touch because I felt worn out and just generally weak. I mean...it was my first time...

He finally managed to make me turn to him, but as I opened my eyes I kept them away from him. I was afraid to look him in the eye. To be honest, along the regret I was feeling was also that of shame. I was insecure. It was my first time ever to do that, and it was also the very first time I had gone naked in front of anybody. I knew it wasn’t his first, and that’s why deep inside I was worried, like what if I wasn’t good enough? What if I wasn’t satisfying? What if he tells Josh?

“Bails, what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice strained with concern. I still didn’t know how to answer, though. He cupped my chin and lifted it up slightly so that he could look me in the eye. The moment our gazes met, I just wanted to roll up in a ball and be alone for a while.

I shied away from him and covered my face with my hands. “We shouldn’t have done this,” I said, my voice just above a whisper.

Silence came after that. It wasn’t like I expected him to reach right away, though. If I was in his place and I heard those words, I would definitely be taken aback as well.

I felt him move away from me. I lifted my hands from my face and looked at him, and I saw him sitting up and putting some of his clothes on. I had mixed emotions upon seeing him do that, and it was only when he was buttoning his jeans that I found my voice.

“Stephen, I—”

“You kissed me first, Bailey,” he snapped, cutting me off as he turned to me, anger evident on his face. “You made the first move and now you’re telling me that we shouldn’t have done it? You regret it now, but you wanted it so badly last night?!”

I knew it was my fault. Of course it was. He had asked me last night—right after taking all my clothes off, he had asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it, and I said yes. Of course it was my fault, this was all my fault, and I shouldn’t blame him.

But part of me wanted to; part of me wanted to reiterate to him that it was his responsibility as well to prevent it from happening because he had promised me a pure friends hangout. He had promised that he wouldn’t do or say anything stupid. But something got the better of me—I didn’t know what it actually was, but I couldn’t hold it back. I stood up from his bed, wrapping the blanket around my body as I searched for my clothes.

“Of course you don’t regret it, why would you?! You’re a guy, you have sex, you’re satisfied. That’s how it works, right?!” I snapped back as I started dressing up, turning away from him. To be honest I wanted to cry. This wasn’t how I wanted it to end. It wasn’t like I planned on it but what girl wanted her first time to end with her and the boy she had done it with yelling at each other?

I was so ready to storm out of his room but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back, “What the fuck are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

I wasn’t sure. I was just really frustrated, maybe, too frustrated that I wanted to get away from him and just think for a while. I was guilty, insecure, and just really fucked-up, and I knew that if I stayed with him any minute longer I would just burst out crying.

I yanked my arm away as I turned to open the door. “I’m still with Alex,” I snapped. “We should have waited—”

“That’s your reason? Because you’re still with him? That’s why you regret it?” he interrupted with a scoff. “I could have thought of a few other reasons as to why you would regret it, but it’s because of him? Yes, I know you’re in a relationship with him still, but you’re gonna break up with him anyway, so—”

“You shouldn’t have asked me to hang out in the first place!” I yelled back at him. “Now what, you’re gonna tell Josh that we had sex and—”

“It wasn’t just sex, Bails!”

I stopped when he yelled that. I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at him. His face was contorted in anger and I stayed still as he brushed his hand over his hair.

“What hurts is the fact that it was the first time I had ever done it with someone—the first time I had made love to someone, as fancy and feminine as it sounds but it’s the truth, and then you’re here telling me you regret it just because of him.”

I felt my heart beat against my chest rapidly. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what to tell him, so I just trusted my instinct. I turned my heel and just hurried out of their house. I needed to get away from him, fast.