The Perfect Foundation

Brendon was definitely finding the arrival of the four boys difficult. The short-lived comfort he had gained from seeing the same people every day for the past 4 months was quickly destroyed in favour of a decisive split - between the old and the new - and a desperate attempt by Jon, Gerard and Frank to reunite the two sides. After a few weeks of awkward conversation and moody silences, the three saviours took it upon themselves to arrange a mediating exercise whereupon one old guest told one new about something that they needed or wanted to know. It went like this:

"Who wants to talk to Jared about sexual abuse?"

"I will." Said Ryan, after a moment.

And so forth until Brendon was telling Avary about the fair, Pete to Patrick about eating properly, and finally Spencer agreed to teach Lintu English. At last they had found a way of connecting the two groups.

Brendon was required to meet Avary wherever he wanted - as long as it wasn't one of the rooms. He chose the living room because it was the comfiest place to sit and talk. They'd met before but clearly Avary felt compelled to introduce himself again, which Brendon found both cute and pointless. The blonde turned up while Brendon was sprawled on a myriad of beanbags, considering the ceiling.

"Hey!" Avary's face appeared in his line of vision. Brendon was about to make a move to sit up when a hand snaked itself into view. Ok then...

"I know we've met but I don't think I introduced myself properly. I'm Avary."

"Brendon." After this strange upside down handshake the dark-haired man sat up and Avary threw himself on the cushions beside him.

"So, whaddya wanna know?"

A slightly uncomfortable look crossed Avary's face and he hmmm-ed thoughtfully. His eyes were a kind of mottled blue with gold lashes and his hair was scraped across the left side of his face in it's customary curtain.

"Just...start at the beginning. At the apocalypse."

Brendon was surprised. He'd expected a question about 'that place of sin' or 'how did it feel being used for sex' or 'have you considered letting Jesus into your heart.'

"Um...what, like...what I was doing before?"

Avary nodded.

"Oh man, um...well I..." Brendon thought back, trying to unearth the cloudy memories of his youth.

"I was only 12 on Hell Day. My parents had decided to move schools because we weren't getting enough influence from the church. I can't really remember what happened. There was lots of screaming and then we were in some kind of underground shelter and then we got separated...I just...ran." Brendon stopped, spreading his hands wide.

"I don't know what happened. Everything's a blur of running and screaming. I ran for my life, I forgot my family, my sisters, my mom and dad, it was all I could do to get away. Eventually there were only a few of us left that hadn't been crushed in the earth quake, just kinda...stumbling along like - like zombies or something."

The dark-haired boy laughed, bright eyes meeting Avary's somber ones.

"I guess I collapsed...I - I...hid under something and passed out. When I woke up everyone was gone and I had to claw my way out of the wreck." He pawed at the air to demonstrate.

"After that I stayed underground for...what seemed like forever. Then I got to the surface and wandered around, trying to find food and water. This woman, Holly and this kid Mike helped me out for a few days then we found a group of people and I was with them for three years before I was recruited. Into the fair, I mean."

There was a short pause filled with sunlight streaming in through the open sash window and the creak of the trees in the orchard outside.

"Was that what you wanted?" Queried Brendon, not aggressively, but honestly.

"Everyone's stories are full of running and screaming..." Avary murmured absently. Brendon wondered whether he was talking to him, himself or God. Possibly all three.

"Well...it was the apocalypse!"

"I guess it was." The blonde met Brendon's eyes thoughtfully.

"You were...recruited? How can you be recruited?" He continued, brow creasing as he leaned back on the cushions.

"I was young...Impressionable. They made it seem so...glamorous, exciting. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. No one said otherwise. We were a very sheltered community, we were struggling. They offered security, travel, food, support. I don't know what I was thinking. I was only 15, I wanted something more so I suppose I took the opportunity. When I realised what it was, it was too late to back out. I had never been outside of the community, I'm not proud of it but I wouldn't have lasted by myself. The sex...some of the men were awful, unbearably callus towards us. But I convinced myself it was the lesser evil to be there and provided for than to die starving and alone in the wilderness. Stupid logic, but practical."

Brendon smiled sadly. "Maybe I was a coward, I dunno...but I met Ryan and suddenly I had a family. Someone who was going through it with me, and that helped. Sometimes it was better because of him, sometimes worse..."

He trailed off, lowering his eyes to his feet -bare - as he fiddled with the hem of his jeans.

"How'd you mean worse?"

"To see him, someone you care for, treated so badly...it was difficult sometimes. I felt helpless, pointless...Ryan always had more spirit than the others. He got more customers but more beatings from the supervisors. I admired him for his courage."

"His courage in what?"

Brendon shrugged.

"Just being himself, I guess. He never took any shit - well, he did, he couldn't stop them - but he never lost sight of himself...It's - it's difficult to explain."

Avary nodded, gazing towards the window, the sunlight bringing out the blues and greens in his irises, the gold in his eyelashes and veil of hair glowing. He felt Brendon's eyes on him and turned to meet them.
"It was like they couldn't break him. Everyone else crashed and burned but he just stayed strong. I don't know how, but he did. When he told me Gerard was breaking us out I finally pulled myself together and fought back. That was why I was in solitary. I guess you don't know about that." One side of his mouth quirked up in a wry smile.

Avary tilted his head as he considered the young man in front of him, suddenly seeing him in a completely different light. He wasn't sure what it was right at this moment, but several words lined up at the back of his throat and he opened his mouth, ready to voice any one of them but faltered because nothing quite seemed appropriate. So he gawped instead, which wasn't really up there with profound reactions to suffering but sometimes your humanity got in the way of this shit. Sad understanding shone in Brendon's eyes before he looked away and Avary finally rediscovered the power of speech.

"You've been given a second chance."

"Yes. And I will forever be in Gerard's debt."

"But what could you give him in return?"

"I dunno...my life?"

"He did it to give your life back to you. To make it your own."

"I know...but I have to do something." Brendon picked at his jeans determinedly, seemingly angry.

"Besides, what do you know about having your own life. Your life is not your own, it is God's - to do with as he pleases. Free will to follow the will of him."

Avary felt himself flush with righteous embarrassment and almost retorted back, but reigned his passion in and bit his lip as he thought of an answer.

"But I chose my path."

"And I chose mine. We both live with our choices."

"At least you can make new choices. Ones more informed."

Brendon laughed.

"I made an informed choice not to believe because what I felt for other men was 'wrong'."

This threw Avary and he blinked, frowning.

"I wasn't talking about Christianity." He said quietly.

"I know. I just thought you should know."

"I believe I survived to live for Him." Brendon met Avary's gaze and there was admiration and sadness there.

"I would tell you to live for yourself but that would be pointless."

"I am though. This is what I want."

The dark-haired man didn't say anything to this for a moment. Then he felt the need to ask:

"And what if you were attracted to other men. What would you do?"

"I would have to live with my burden."

"You see, living without being...allowed to truly love another human being is not worth a thousand religions."

"Have you ever been in love?" Brendon almost fell off the cushions laughing.

"Yes. I am in love."

"With who?" Avary spoke without thinking, realising only after he'd said it that it might not be his place to ask, especially after he'd just condemned him for being gay.

"No no, wait - you don't have to answer that, it was just -."

"I'd rather not say anyway - if that's ok."

"Yeah yeah, that's fine. It's none of my business."

There was an awkward pause in which Brendon smiled to himself and Avary felt his cheeks flush.

"What's it like, being in love, I mean?"

"It's frustrating...it's amazing. Somebody once told me it was like being incredibly happy while being hit repeatedly with a hammer." He chuckled. "So yeah amazing but frustrating pretty much sums it up."

The blonde suddenly raked at his hair and sat up, feeling like hitting himself with a metaphorical hammer.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I was meant to ask you about the fair and got completely sidetracked...I'm asking you really personal things, it's none of my business, I'm intruding when you don't even know me-."

"You know what," Brendon interrupted, sitting up to put his hand on Avary's arm, "It's really weird but I actually don't mind telling you this stuff. The conversation just kinda progressed naturally...I didn't think about you intruding or me not wanting to share or anything. Apart from the whole me-in-love thing. I've barely come to terms with it myself, let alone telling other people." The side of his mouth lifted at the corner. "I suppose Ryan knows...or at least guesses. But I haven't told anyone. Yet."

"And you shouldn't!" Agreed Avary firmly, curiosity almost brimming over to know more, but he managed to get it under control. His curiosity was his failing as a person. Christianity helped to curb his enthusiasm to try new things but it didn't stop him wondering: what were they like? What was he sacrificing for a life of true belief? He understood that this was the devil's influence to take his weakness and push him off the path. It was a comfort to know God would still be there for him if he wavered but he wanted to live this life. That more than anything. And so curiosity would have to keep to the acceptable things and he would explore those to the fullest extent that he could in this broken world. Maybe he could help Brendon on his road to discovery, be his friend. Obviously he had decided on a path of sin but he still had love in his life, even if it was forbidden. Could he be saved?

"Have you...?" The blonde bit his lip as he tried to think of a constructive way to ask if the boy was still having sex. Brendon considered him expectantly.

"Um...what are your views on relationships after the fair?"

"Um, well, there's not really a definitive answer to that one. Sex is just not on the table at the moment," he took a second to giggle at the innuendo, "But a relationship..." He paused and shook his head, "I just can't even fathom what that would be like. How I could even be in one. Part of me wants to."

He rubbed a thumb across his bottom lip. "Part of me wants to run screaming...because I'm scared, I guess. Scared of being rejected, scared of what sex will remind me of, scared of trusting a man so...intimately. I can't...this person. I don't know what the deal is," he smiled slightly, fiddling with a lose thread on the cushion, "I can't put myself out there not knowing how he's gonna...react. It's too much. I think Ryan thinks I'll go for it, pester him into giving in...or whatever. But as much as I love him I can't make him my...anything. It's not my choice. Or at least...not entirely."

The brown- eyed man actually flushed at this and Avary found himself smiling. It was strange but Brendon was not what he had been expecting. He had told himself not to judge beforehand but when someone had not only had sex before marriage, and lots of it, and with a member of the same sex - for a living of all things - it was hard not to have any preconceptions. But this young man, with his huge guarded brown eyes and floppy dark hair was so...normal. Well, perhaps normal wasn't the word. He was collected, calm. He knew how he had lived, he accepted it and now he was trying to move on. And there was something Avary had never encountered; he was completely homosexual and happily so and in love with another man - in this very house.