Stay With Them Tonight

“Allen.” Tyler said again, like he couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t seen him in two years, so maybe he couldn’t. I couldn’t believe I was standing here, staring at my first huge crush. He had even called me Allen, the name I used to love when it came from him. He was about the only one who made it sound like such an amazing name, something unique and beautiful instead of being odd and old-fashioned.

Belatedly I realized I could have avoided this; somewhere in the back of my brain I remembered that Kelly was going to be with him today- after all I had told Jason and Ryan last night that she would be, and I had also seen the strange car in the yard. This was my fault.

Wait, no. It was Ryan’s fault, because if Ryan hadn’t kissed me, I wouldn’t have been freaked out, or come to tell Kelly that he had kissed me while in my freaked-out state, forgetting that Tyler would be here.

I felt like such an idiot, standing on the porch, unable to say anything.

“It’s been two years,” he said. His eyes at the moment were a troubled (or was that just my imagination?) shade of blue, the light color that reminded me of cloud-watching and swimming in the clearest of waters. Of course, I may be a bit dramatic. His eyes were beautiful, but they reminded me of all the most beautiful blues because he was the boy I had thought I loved.

“Allie? Please say something.” I didn’t.

His eyes searched mine, his worried. He was always so nice. It must have killed him to turn me down like that, a naïve girl of fourteen. He was sixteen then, but he was so nice I never felt the age difference. He treated me just like any other girl.

Here we were, two years later, and it was more uncomfortable than if I were to stand in front of Jason naked. Yes, I seriously mentally had that image for about two-point-three seconds before I scrubbed my brain with mental bleach.

“H-hey, Tyler.” My face was on fire, and I hadn’t stuttered since the last time I saw him. Of course, the last time I saw him definitely wasn’t pleasant.

After that incident and until he moved in with his dad a year ago, I had avoided Kelly’s house like the plague, and it had taken me a long time to enjoy being in there even after he was gone.

Now the feeling that Kelly’s house was my second house might be gone. It was once again linked with Tyler, and not feeling right where he was. So far it definitely hadn’t been pleasant.

Time had seemed to reverse itself, and I was back to the shy girl I always was in front of Tyler.

“Uhm, sorry, I’ll come back later,” I finally choked out. It sounded like I was talking from inside a deep hole.

“Wait! Uh, do you need to see Kelly?” I winced, because he looked at me so . . . oddly. He looked worried for me, like he always had been. Like I was his second little sister, but I had mistaken it for something different.

Did I want to see Kelly, like he had asked? After this? I didn’t want to see anyone.

“Uh, no, not really. I’ll just go.”

“No, Allen, wait!” He came outside, closing the door. “Kelly didn’t tell you, did she? I’m, er, going to be staying here. In town, I mean. A few streets over, in the apartments near the greenbelt. I’m not going to stay in Chicago for school this semester.” He gestured lamely in the direction, and I followed the gesture with my eyes, digesting the news.

What?

Did he mean the apartments just a couple of miles away, where I would see him often?

When he had been in Chicago or with his dad in the next town since last year, I had felt safe. Now, I felt horrible. I had been avoiding him for so long, never realizing that it couldn’t last forever.

“You’re going to be here?”

“Not here, but yeah.”

“R-really?” He didn’t reply, just looked at me.

“Sorry, I’m just . . . surprised.”

He smiled, but it faded when I didn’t smile back. My face was a little numb, which must have stemmed from thought overload. In fact, I felt as if I was underwater, everything being vaguely muffled.

“Allen, I’m sorry.”

Between Ryan and my need to tell Kelly, and now Tyler, suddenly here when I least wanted to see him, I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

This was the stupid side of me, the part Tyler had always brought out. I used to be such a kid, always babied by my family as the youngest child in my generation, and always getting my way. I would cry at the stupidest things until I was appeased.

After Tyler rejected me, I had cried constantly, every day for something like a month. Kelly had finally gotten tired of listening to me. She threatened me with our friendship, told me I couldn’t always be five years old, and I couldn’t play the feeble card for the rest of my life.

It had taken some time to quit viewing myself as an eternal victim, but by the time Tyler left for their dad’s house, six months later, I hardly ever cried. I had to toughen up, or I would lose my best friend and any shred of maturity I hoped to have.

After becoming so accomplished in the art of not-being-five-years-old, you can imagine my disappointment when that small tear fell, because I was crying like I had before. Granted, I was stressed and the last hour had sucked, and I had received the biggest shock in my life these past five minutes, but that was not me anymore. I did not cry like that.

“Hey, it’s okay, Al,” Tyler soothed.

Like he used to, the reason I had fallen for him in the first place, Tyler came and wrapped me up in a hug, my face now coming up to his neck, so I just buried my face in without thought.

There was only that one tear, but he didn’t know. Being there felt so nice, and I could feel myself beginning to feel better about Tyler, for the first time in what seemed like forever. I began to feel comfortable around him again, and I was afraid as soon as either of us pulled away, it would get bad again.

“You’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you?” He asked. It felt safe to talk when I didn’t have to look at him, so I nodded against his shoulder.

“Yeah.” I murmured. “I was scared of what you would say.” He started to pull back, but I held him, so I wouldn’t have to look at him as I talked.

“You were always there, ya’know?” I mumbled. “And I guess I just ruined it by getting a little crush on you. Only back then, everything was huge, and I made it into this big thing, when I probably didn’t even like you more than a friend that much.”

“We can go back to how it was, though, right?”

Not completely. I didn’t say it, but he seemed to understand, because he sighed.

“Maybe close,” I offered.

“I can’t believe we’re here right now.” He said. He probably meant to change the subject, but even I thought it was weird.

He smelled like he always had, that indescribably warm smell, and hugged just the same as when I first met him, when we were six and eight.

When we had first met I had expected him to be like any other older boy- hateful of my age, distant, rude. Instead, he was sweet, and always hugged me when I cried.

He was like that when we were just kids, supposed to think the opposite sex had cooties. When I was fourteen, I ruined it all by convincing myself I was in love with him, and in my mind then he was in love with me, too.

We hugged in silence for a while, and eventually I turned my head into him, getting ready to pull back.

“Sorry,” I eventually said, the words muffled by his shoulder. “Today was a bad day. I haven’t cried in front of somebody in forever,” I said, because I felt the need to let him know that I was different. I had wrapped my arms around his middle when he had wrapped his around my shoulders, and I was intensely aware that I might ruin everything again if we stayed like that any longer.

“You’re my sister’s best friend, Allen. You’re my friend. We can’t risk ruining everything like that.” I felt the overwhelming sense of trepidation come back, like it might all happen again.

Like I might really ruin it for the second time.

“Kelly told me you had toughened up; I think she might be wrong.” I heard him smile.

“No, you just make me cry.” I didn’t think until it was already out. I had been teasing back, and I hoped he paid attention to my teasing, not my words.

“I’m sorry,” he said again softly, always soft with me. I was exasperated that after all I had changed, he still treated me like a little doll.

He spoke about the past again. “You ran away so fast, last time.” I pulled back further, and had to make an effort to roll my eyes. Usually it was second nature. I went to stuff my hands in my pockets, only to realize I was still in the smiley face pajama pants.

“It was a long time ago. Sorry I said that.” I crossed my arms around my middle.

He shrugged, and we tentatively smiled at each other. I still felt horrible, and knew Kelly would come soon. I hoped she wouldn’t, just for the fact that I was talking to Tyler and not feeling like I had imagined- like wanting to hide under my bed or in my closet or some other childish place that somehow would make me feel better.

“What happened? Why were you crying?” he smoothed my hair down, and I realized how differently I had interpreted all of his actions. He just meant to be nice, to be a big brother I didn’t have.

“Uh, I think I had just better talk to Kells.” I let out a shaky breath, attempting to brace myself for that inevitable event.

“Alright, why don’t you come in?” He walked to open the door, and my nerves came back with a vengeance; my hands started to shake, I knew I would babble if I tried to speak, and I was terrified of how Kelly would react.

Kelly liked Ryan so much, more than I had ever seen her like anybody, and I knew she did even though she hadn’t said it. The fact that made it all the worse was that she knew that I knew that she did, and my brain ran around trying to find some way to explain it to her without her hating me forever and ever until we were six feet under.

Tyler turned back to me before he reached the door, probably hearing my near-hyperventilation, when Kelly opened the door.

“Allie? What are you doing here?” Kelly stood there in the doorway, watching Tyler and I curiously. Crap.