I've Done Something So Terrible

With Jasey out of school though things did not change as much as I had thought they would. Alex got a job after school so we didn't hang out as much. Sometimes he missed lunch to go with Jasey to her appointments but she really didn't like him to go. Still in school things were the same. The baby's birth seemed like a doomsday clock for Alex and I's friendship. Once the baby came he couldn't deal with immature Jack anymore. I mean who would trust me with their kid for more then a couple minutes? No one I know ever has. Some nights when Alex was at work were harder then others. Especially the nights I offered to do some of Alex's homework. I know its cheating but he needed to keep his grades up to keep his work permit.
Jasey was really wearing him down. She was constantly calling when he didn't have school or work to complain about how much carrying his kid sucked. It drove me nuts. I would give anything to be in her shoes as crazy as it sounds. I mean I suppose I wish Alex had the option of waiting till he was old enough to have children, but if anyone was going to have a baby with him I would want it to be me. Even though that is impossible, I mean I'm not stupid. It just drives me crazy knowing she doesn't appreciate how amazing he is. He could be like every other deadbeat around who doesn't get a job and doesn't take care of his kids. Alex won't do that, he's working so hard and wants to be a part of the babies life. He's always telling me how worried his is that Jasey is going to take him to court and make sure he can't see his kid. With all the mean things she says to him, I really would not put it past her. Which is why I have not told her what I really think about her, and upsetting her might hurt the baby I suppose. I'm not really sure I don't really know much about pregnancy. Then again I am a gay teenage boy, why would I? So tonight I am sitting in Alex's room waiting for Jasey to finish yelling at him.

“Jasey I know I screwed up. I don't know how many times you want me to say I'm sorry. I'm doing everything I can to better the situation. If you hate me so much and really don't want this baby then just give it to me when its born and you can live your life.” Alex rambled into his cell phone. Whoa! Did he really just say that? Him take care of the baby on his own. Well I mean I would help but, would Alex even want me to help with his new born? Okay, I'm being crazy. It doesn't matter. Jasey hates Alex there is no what she would just dump her baby on him.

“Okay, fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow.” Alex said nodding and hung the phone up with a sigh. I was laying on his bed and patted the space next to me. He plopped down on the bed and buried his face in my chest, I felt hot liquid seeping through my shirt followed by his shoulders shaking and I knew he was crying. I wrapped my arms around him tight rubbing his back like my Mom does when I get upset. I had been crying a lot. This whole situation was screwing with me too. After a few minutes his body seemed to relax in my arms and he curled his body further into me.

“I love you Alex.” I murmured into his hair. I didn't even think he would hear me. It had been so quiet I wasn't even sure I had said it out loud.

“I love you too Jack. Thank you for being here for me.” he mumbled into my chest. I played with his hair.

“Did you mean what you said to Jasey?” I asked him. The question was under my skin itching and pricking. Besides that I was way to close to telling him what I really meant and that could be a disaster and he was already upset enough.

“What part?” he asked resting his chin in my chest so he could look into my eyes.

“The part where you said she could just give you the baby and leave.” I elaborated.

“Yeah.” he said putting his head back in my chest. My heart rate picked up and he must have noticed because he spoke again before I could come up with a response. “Why? You think I could do it without her don't you?” he asked with hurt and a hint of anger in his voice.

“Whoa! Lex of course I think you can do it. You are amazing. You can do anything.” I assured him. I couldn't tell him the real reason my heart rate increased. As selfish as it sounds I would love to have Jasey out of the picture.

“You just, I don't know the way you said it.” he shrugged sitting up. I followed his example.

“I'm sorry. It just surprised me.” I explained lamely. “Shit, its getting late. My Mom wanted me home tonight. I'll see you at school.” I told him leaning in for a hug. He clung onto me like I was a life preserver in the ocean. I hugged him back just as hard, but eventually I had to let go. I made my way home and was almost knocked over by May when I walked into the door.

“Did you tell him?” she asked enthusiastically while grabbing my elbowing helping me get my balance. I shrugged my jacket off and kicked my shoes into the hall closet before turning to face her. I didn't have to answer, she knew by the look on my face. She still tapped her foot impatiently waiting for my response.

“I almost did. But Jasey was being a bitch, and she had him really upset. If he didn't feel the same way it would have made him feel worse.” I attempted to justify my chickening out.

“Jack! That is bullshit. How can you not see how much he loves you? You need to tell him. He needs that one good thing in all this sea of hurt.” she exclaimed. I love her, but she is so dramatic.

“Look he has me, his best friend. I keep assuring him I'm not going anywhere. Is that not a good enough thing for him?” I asked desperate. I was starting to believe I would never be able to tell him.

“It would make him feel a lot better if he knew his best friend felt the same way about him.” May countered. Lucky for me she did not wait for a reply she simply shook her head and left the room. Her words replayed in my head as I laid down for bed. It was a cycle I could not break. I would start to convince myself she was right, and then I would see Alex looking disgusted and I would feel my heart sink. It was getting painful by the time I fell into an uneasy sleep. My alarm seemed to go off minutes later, and I felt anything but rested.

I was so sluggish having gotten so little sleep that I ended up being late to my first hour. I walked into French class five minutes late, and saw that everyone was working in pairs. Expect for Rian, we worked together a lot and he had good music taste. Mr. Smith told me to work with Rian and get caught, he seemed very annoyed with me.
“Hey man, you look like shit.” Rian said with a laugh. I knew he was just joking but I really felt like shit.

“Yeah, I haven't been sleeping well.” I explained with a shrug. The rest of the hour we worked on the project and talked about new CD's that were coming out. I was particularly excited about the new Fall Out Boy CD. When I walked out of class I felt good. For a whole hour I thought about nothing serious. I felt like a normal kid for a bit, I wasn't worried about Alex, or Jasey, or anything else. It was really nice. I knew Alex wouldn't be at lunch because he was going with Jasey to her doctors appointment. The only reason she was letting him go was because she was far enough along now that they could tell the sex of the baby. Alex was excited, but he could never get too much enjoyment out of anything to do with the baby because Jasey was constantly bringing him down. His Mom had decided once they knew the sex of the baby they would paint their guest room and turn it into a nursery. I offered to help and Alex seemed to get even more excited. Alex and I painted his room a few summers ago, it had been a mess but it was one of the funnest times we have ever had.