I've Done Something So Terrible

A week later I was at Alex's house. We were quickly trying to finish Aubrey's room. That's what Alex named her Aubrey Willow Gaskarth. I really wanted him to name her Willow, so we compromised. It felt pretty awesome that he took my opinion into consideration when naming his kid, its kind of a big deal. So we were getting Aubrey's room ready. She still had a while before she could come, according to the doctors. Alex was just dying to bring her home. He went to visit her everyday. She was getting better and they let him hold her and feed her. I got to see her, but I was still to scared to hold her. She just looked to delicate. She was beautiful though. She looked just like Alex, she had his caramel brown eyes, and his dark blonde hair. I kept telling Alex she was going to be a heart breaker when she got older.
Alex and I were in the middle of putting Aubrey's crib together. It was proving to be more then we could really handle. Pieces of the crib were spread out around the room and Alex kept dropping the elm wrench we were trying to use to put it together. I kept insisting that we needed to read the instructions but Alex was too much of a man to agree to that.

“Ahhhh!” Alex growled at the crib. It was really cute.

“Lex, lets just take a break.” I offered.

“No, we have to finish putting the crib together. I'm going to be such a terrible Dad, I can't even put a fucking crib together!” Alex wailed.

“Alex, it doesn't make you a bad Dad because you are having trouble putting a crib together. It makes you a bad carpenter.” I joked. He just scowled at me. Apparently he didn't find me funny tonight. I walked over to Alex and gave him a hug. He hugged me back almost immediately, and it made my heart speed up. Damn this boy had an effect on me.

“I'm sorry for being a bitch.” Alex mumbled into my chest.

“As long as your my bitch its okay.” I said with a smirk.

“Always.” he replied laughing at me.

“The crib isn't the only thing bugging you is it?” I asked. He had been super irritable lately and it worried me. I was hoping he wasn't getting sick of me being around all the time. We had been kind of attached at the hip sense Aubrey was born. I mean we spent a lot of time together before, but it just seemed like we spend even more time together lately.

“Honestly, I'm scared Jack. She keeps getting better, and then she's going to come home. I want her to come home so bad so I can hold her and love her. At the same time I so scared of having to take care of her by myself. I'm scared I'm going to screw up and hurt her, or make her sick. At least while she's in the hospital there are all those doctors and nurses that know how to take care of babies. I don't want to screw up Jack.” he admitted with tears in his eyes.

“Dude, you are going to be a great Dad. You are so good with her at the hospital. You even went to all those parenting classes at the hospital. Besides you're not alone. I'm here to help you. Your Mom is here for you, and your Dad. My Mom even wants to help. There are a ton of people one your side. Just try not to get so down on yourself. Its not going to be easy, but we can do this.” I reassured him.

“You won't even hold her. How can you say your going to help me?” Alex replied annoyed. His words had a bite to them. It crawled under my skin, and caused my heart to crack. I backed away from Alex like he had hit me, because his words had really hurt.

“Well I'm fucking sorry. I've never been around a preemie before. I'm sorry that I'm scared of hurting your baby. I'm sorry for giving a shit about you. Put the crib together yourself.” I spat at him. He had never talked to me that way, and something inside me just snapped. He thought so little of me. All these feelings of doubt and insecurity came crashing down on me. He could never love me, he doesn't think I can do anything. I started feeling worse and worse the further I got from Alex's house. By the time I arrived at my house I was in tears. I ran into my house and nearly ran over May who was apparently going out.

“Whoa Jack, wants wrong?” she asked grabbing my shoulders and trying to look in my face.

“N-n-nothing.” I stuttered, while trying to pull away from her.

“Jack your crying. Tell me whats wrong. I'm your sister, that's what I am here for.” she insisted.

“Really? Because I thought you were hear to ask probing questions and nag me into doing things I don't want to do.” I snapped at her. I immediately felt bad for taking my anger out on her, but I just felt like crap.

“Jack there is only enough room in this house for one bitch, and that's me. So pull your tampon out, and tell me what the fuck is wrong.” she demanded. I was so surprised by her attitude that I just kind of stared for a moment. While I was busy being to dumbfounded to say anything she dragged my over to the couch. “Okay spill.” she ordered.

“Alex and I got into a fight.” I mumbled not being able to meet her eyes. I felt really stupid for being such a dick over a stupid fight with Alex.

“Okay, what was it about?” she asked in a overly calm voice.

“Well he was freaking out about being a bad Dad once Aubrey came home. I tried to tell him that he would be a great Dad, and I would be their for him. Then he just threw it in my face that I haven't held Aubrey yet. It really hurt and I yelled at him and left.” I answered.
“Well why haven't you held Aubrey? You've held tons of babies. In fact you love babies.” May inquired further.

“Yeah I do love babies. Its just Aubrey is a preemie. She's so small and breakable. The thought of hurting her, hurting Alex's baby, it scares the shit out of me.” I answered feeling dumb every time I said it.

“You love Aubrey though don't you?”

“Of course I love Aubrey. She's beautiful, she looks just like Alex. She's such a happy baby every time she see's Alex. Its adorable.”

“Well then you need to get over your fear. Don't you want her to know you? To love you?” May asked. She had a point.

“I do. I just figured when she came home she would have to be bigger. I thought it would be easier when Alex brought her home. Now he doesn't trust me with her.”

“Look Jack you need to apologize to Alex for yelling at him. I'm sure he was just as scared the first time he held her. He should understand. Then after you kiss and make up, you need to visit Aubrey and hold her. It will make Alex feel better, and you'll get to know Aubrey.” she instructed.

“Yeah, your right.” I nodded.

“Okay, now go wash your face. Eat some comfort food, and then call Alex. I gotta go. I was supposed to meet Sara at the mall like twenty minutes ago.” She said with a small laugh, and walking over to the front door again.

“Shit!” “Sorry” I heard from the doorway. “Seriously I can't walk out the front door without getting run over by teenage boys today.” May growled playfully.

“Sorry. Is Jack home?” I heard Alex ask.

“Yeah he's in living room. You really hurt his feelings.” May informed.

“I know. I was an ass, I'm just so scared. I shouldn't have taken it out on him. I'm a sucky friend.” I heard Alex say to May, he sounded so sad. It made me just want to hug him. I really loved him too much. I was looking at my hands when Alex walked into the living room.

“Jack.” he called just above a whisper.

“Hey Alex.” I replied still looking at my hands. I was too embarrassed to look at him.

“Look I'm sorry for being an asshole before. I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you.” he apologized.

“Its okay.” I said to my feet.

“Jack I'm trying to make with you, can't you even look at me.” he pleaded. I looked up into his eyes and felt myself turning red.

“I'm sorry for freaking out on you. I'm just trying so hard. Your my best friend, and I know this is super hard for you. All I want is to make it easier. So when you said that stuff tonight, I guess I just over reacted.” I apologized.

“Jack you had every right to be upset with me. I know you're trying really hard. Just forgive for being an ass and come back over to my place. We can finish the crib, and watch Home Alone, like I promised.” he offered.

“Actually do you think maybe we could finish the crib tomorrow? There is something else I would really rather do before it gets to late.” I asked giving him my puppy dog eyes.

“I suppose, what do you want to do?” he asked confusion covering his features.

“Could we visit Aubrey?” I asked with caution.

“Well we were just there today, but visiting hours aren't over yet. Yeah, lets go.” he said with a cute little smile that melted my heart. We got into his car and drove to the hospital. It was quiet for about half the ride till Alex broke the silence.

“Jasey hasn't called me once. She hasn't even seen Aubrey.” Alex spoke.

“Did you think she would change her mind?” I questioned.

“Yeah I really did. I can't imagine for a second not being in Aubrey's life. She means everything to me.”

“Alex your different than Jasey. You've been Aubrey's Dad every sense you found out about her. You wanted to hold her and take care of her. I don't think Jasey ever felt like that. She just wasn't ready to be a Mom.” I said sharing my thoughts.

“You're probably right. Its just all the parenting books talk about how women instantly feel this connection to their babies and that Dad's have to hold their baby to feel that way. It wasn't like that for me. I just can't understand how Jasey could not feel connected to Aubrey. I mean she grew inside of her. How can you be that close to someone and just abandon them?” Alex pondered.

“I don't know man. All I know is Aubrey is lucky to have you.” I admitted.

“Thanks.” Alex said with a huge grin. We finally arrived at the hospital and pulled into the visitors parking lot. I followed Alex to the nursery Aubrey was in, he knew the way by heart. The nurses greeted us, and were surprised we were visiting the second time in one day. Alex was given an update on Aubrey's condition and then we were allowed to go visit her. Alex held her first and then he fed her. The look in his eyes when he held her was so perfect. He just loved her so much, it made my heart melt.

“Are you ready to hold her?” he asked with the cutest smile.

“Yeah. Let me see the most beautiful baby in the world.” I cooed to Aubrey as Alex handed her over. She was so warm and soft. I loved cuddling her. I had held babies before but I had never loved one the instant I held her. Aubrey was special. I watched her face closely, watched how it focused on me, and how she looked over at Alex every few minutes. It felt really amazing to finally hold her. Alex and I passed her back and forth until finally we had to leave.

“She didn't cry at all when you held her.” Alex spoke when we got into the car.

“Yeah, she didn't cry with you either.” I shrugged like it was nothing.

“Yeah but Jack she always cries when someone holds her for the first time. My Mom had to hold her five or six times before she got used to her.” Alex marveled.

“That's weird.” I said feeling weird about it.

“No, its awesome. She must feel comfortable with you.” Alex said with a gigantic grin.

“Well that's good cause when she gets home I'm going to spoil her rotten.”

“You don't have to do that, she already loves you.” Alex laughed.

“I know I don't have to, but you're going to be all responsible. You're going say no you can't have candy, or whatever. I'll be the one buying her candy behind your back.” I said with a cheeky grin.

“I'll beat you up if you spoil my kid.” Alex threatened playfully.

“We'll see about that.” I retorted. We fell into a comfortable silence. My heart was exploding the closer we got to Alex's house. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him already. I wanted him, Aubrey, and I to be a family. I just had to find the right words.