Superluminal

She’s a stunning Latino girl. Tan skin, long, flowing black locks, curves that boys will kill for, a smile as gorgeous as fairy lights, a laugh that makes your skin tingle, and chestnut brown eyes that always dance with life. She’s secure and confident, sweet and funny, smart and compassionate, and everything anyone could ask for.

I am an awkward, insecure, white boy. Skin is ghastly pale, hair a dirty, sun-bleached blonde color, with eyes that are a mold color green, amid the arms and legs have yet even out in proportion. My limbs are too tall and lanky, and I’m always tripping over my clown-sized feet. I’ve long since grown out of puberty, yet my voice is still higher than most boys cracking at the most inconvenient times. I’m the kid that gets glared at when I answer a question at school, so I don’t talk to anyone, and when I walk out of the classroom, someone slaps my textbooks out of my arms.

She’s Miguel’s girlfriend.

I am but a mere stranger to Miguel.

He doesn’t see anyone but her when she’s around. And when she’s not around, all he thinks about is her.

He doesn’t see me, because when he looks at me, I’m just another face surrounded by the masses of other students.

He sat next to me once because he was late and there was nowhere else to sit. He looked at me and smiled a genuine smile, and talked to me as if I was another human being.

I once waved to him shyly. He didn’t seem to see me, so he didn’t respond. I never waved to him again. But he did see me once and grin at me, nodding. I felt my stomach do back-flips and I blushed, grinning back, but then Gina came and he turned to her. I turned away, busying myself with straightening my textbooks on my desk.

I have a bad case of self-loathing. I hate myself for everything. I wish I could just be a cool, confident guy that everyone seems to like.

I want to be wanted by someone.

~

I stumble down the stairs in my new outfit and contacts.

I’m sick of being the nerd that everyone avoids. So I’ve decided to be “cool” this year. This is senior year, and I want to at least have kissed someone. Or be invited to a “cool” party. Study groups no longer count as parties.

I blink my eyes a couple times before walking into the kitchen. Everything seems to sharp and oddly angular. Mum is at the stove, cooking pancakes, eggs, and sausages.

“’morning.” I mumble at her.

“Senior year Dylan! I’ve made your favorite! Chocolate chip waff-… Where on earth are your glasses!? And what is up with your clothes? And your hair.” she stops, staring at me, holding the pancakes on a plate.

“Uh, I got contacts. And stuff.” I mumble, running a hand through my newly-dyed blonde hair.

I look down at myself. I checked myself in the mirror, and I’ll say, I look pretty spiffy today. Plaid shirt, jeans, Vans, contacts, I look pretty hot if I do say so myself.

Mum eyes me suspiciously. “If this is about some boy-”

“It’s not. I just… I just want to be liked this year, okay? I want to go a whole year without getting my balls kicked.”

Suddenly, I’m not hungry, and instead, I’m incredibly nervous and my stomach churns.

“Anyways. The bus will be here soon. I’m not hungry.”

“But I mad-”

“Later.” I mumble, grabbing my book bag and slinging it over my shoulder and rushing out the door before she can say anything else.

I stand at the bus stop nervously; trying to act all chill, but this stupid little freshman keeps staring at me with wide eyes. “What?” I snap at her. She blushes and looks away, fumbling with her three textbooks as the bus stops beside the sidewalk. I get on and walk all the way to the back, blushing hard when Miguel looks up at me and stares, an arm around Gina’s shoulders. Thank God it’s dark, because my cheeks are on fire. I’m not sure he recognizes me.

I sit at the back and lean my head against the window, closing my eyes to get some sleep. I wake up not a second later when some girl has her camera phone in my face, trying to take a picture of me. My eyes snap open and I glare at her, and she giggles and bats her eyelashes.

I’m incredibly annoyed by now, but I guess my new look is working, because people keep staring.

By the time the bus pulls in, I’ve already had some sophomore ask me if I was single or not, a freshman oogle at me for a good forty-five minutes, and some junior come up to me and ask me if I would come with her to prom. This is the first day of school, and those are all girls. Not exactly what I wanted… but… I guess it’s better than nothing.

~

I sit by myself at lunch. I know it’s pathetic, but half the people that have wanted to sit next to me all are underclassmen, annoying, sluts, girls, or horny. Everyone wants to sit with me but Miguel. But I can see him always scrutinizing me. He hasn’t figured out who I am yet, I’m almost positive because he hasn’t said anything to me. Normally, he’d say “hi” or wave.

When the bell rings for fifth hour, I’m practically running to Calculus. I just want to go home, rip out the contacts, put my glasses back on, and slide into my Halo shirt and nerdy, khaki shorts with my Wal-Mart brand shoes. I hate this stupid plaid, flannel shirt is too hot, the contacts are too itchy, my skinny jeans are suffocating my balls, and my Vans haven’t been broken in yet, so I have giant, bleeding blisters on the backs of my ankles.

And then Miguel walks in, confident smile, arm around Gina’s shoulders as if saying, “Back off, she’s all mine.” My eyes drop to my textbook, and I fumble around with trying to make it aligned with the edge of my desk.

I see you with her, and wish that were me.

“You’re Dylan, aren’t you?”

I look up, startled. For once, the voice isn’t high pitched or slutty, it’s deep, manly, and sexy. I know that voice from anywhere.

“I-I, uhm, I… y-yeah.”

Miguel chuckles lightly and sits down next to me. “Thought so. You look so… different. I didn’t recognize you! You’ve changed a lot over the summer, you know.”

“Y-yeah.” I choke out.

One word, and I’m back to the lame, shrimp that I am, unable to speak properly.

He smiles at me, that same, breathing taking smile. “I could recognize you with that textbook OCD from miles away.”

I laugh nervously. I guess he’s noticed.

“Y-yeah.”

“Anyways. Fuck, you’re so different. A real ladies man, I can see.” He winks. My breath catches in my throat. “I like your outfit anyways. You look good. And the girls seem to think so too.” he smirks.

Oh my fucking God. Miguel Ruiz just said I looked good.

I try to laugh it off, but even when I laugh, my voice cracks. His eyes widen, and then he starts to laugh. “Oh my God. Adorable.” he laughs quietly, grinning. “Oh the joys of high school.” He winks.

“Mr. Ruiz, I’m assuming? Please keep quiet while I take roll call unless you’d like me to throw you out by your ears the first day of school.”

Miguel snaps to attention and blushes slightly. “Sorry miss.”

The whole class sniggers and he rolls his eyes, grinning at me from the corner of his lips.

~

“Dylan!”

“Hey Miguel.”

“Do you want to come over today? We can play video games or something. Relax after all those bullshit exams.” Miguel asks, jogging over.

I’ve long since gotten used to him. I still blush and stutter, but not as much anymore. He’s taken himself to be my “best friend” he likes to call it. I’ve never had a best friend, much less a friend at all. We talk all the time, and he spends a little less time with Gina, and more with me now, which makes me feel like I still have a little bit of hope.

“Sure. I’ll just tell my mum.”

“Awesome. Text me, okay? And this time, before seventh period. You always get caught.” He jokes. I blush.

“Shut up. It was once.”

Miguel laughs, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “No matter. Just ask, and tell me. I can drive us then.”

“Cool. See you later?”

“Sure thing.”

With that, he’s back to Gina, waving at me and walking to his Physics class.

~

Instead of Miguel’s house, we end up at the park. I don’t know why. I think it was Gina’s idea. Yeah. She came.

Was I disappointed?

Yes.

Did I mind?

Yes.

Did I say anything about it, though?

No.

So there I was, the third wheel, lagging behind Gina and Miguel while they took a romantic stroll though the park. I looked more like some creeper than anything, just walking behind them, being careful to keep my distance.

Sick of watching them, I sit on the lakeside, watching the sun set, alone. I draw my knees up to my chest and try my hardest not to cry. If he wanted to hang out with me, why did he ask her to come and completely ignore me? I hate how he does this to me.

They’re somewhere back there, walking with each other, talking quietly with each other.

“Hey.”

I turn my head and look over. “Oh. Hi.” I mumble, looking back out across the lake. “Sorry I left. I felt kind of weird.”

“Actually, I should be apologizing. I didn’t mean to ignore you or make you feel like you’re a third wheel. I just really had to talk to Gina. She left anyways.”

“Nah. It’s okay.” I say, trying to man up.

He puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay Dylan. I know I ignored you. Don’t feel like you have to act all chill about it. You’re my best friend. I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “No, really. It’s nothing.”

My body instinctively sniffs though because I’ve cried a bit. I know. I’m such a baby. But can you blame me?

“You okay?” Miguel immediately asks, scooting over so that he’s in front of me. I nod my head.

“Y-yeah. I’m fine. It’s nothing. M-my contacts.” I motion towards them, laughing it off.

He shakes his head ‘no’. “It’s not. Your eyes, they’re watering. Are you okay? Fuck. Did I really make you feel that bad? I’m really sor-”

“It’s not that. It’s my contacts. Okay? I don’t cry over stuff like that.” I grunt, rubbing at my eyes. But a single tear falls, giving everything away. He knows. He’s not stupid.

“Dyla-”

“It’s nothing.” I snap.

He bites his lower lip. “It’s not the contacts, and it’s not me ignoring you, is it? It’s something else that’s bothering you, and it has to do with me. I know it does. What is it? Do you not want to be friends with me anymore? Did I say something that offe-”

“MIGUEL.”

He stops talking immediately.

“It’s nothing. Okay? Just forget it. I-I… I’m just being dumb.”

He doesn’t say anything, but sits and waits. He knows me too well. The longer we sit here and wait, the more prone I am to blurt whatever is on my mind. So I try and stand up, but he puts his hand on my arm, holding me down.

“Please.”

“I can’t. It’s… I tell you everything, but I can’t tell you this. It’s different.”

He pauses and looks at me gently. “You’re gay.”

“W-what?”

“You’re gay. You like boys. You like dicks and balls.”

“I know what being gay is.” I snap. “But… I… you… how did you know?”

He laughs. “It’s kind of obvious. You’re never turned on by some hot chick on a commercial or anything; your room doesn’t have anything remotely resembling a girl or anything. And Gina, you never look at her the same way other guys do. If anything… you look at me that way. ”He says quietly, looking at me with a measured observation.

“I-I-”

“You’re jealous of Gina. Not of me. You’re jealous because you like me.”

I don’t know what to say.

“I do not.” I retort, pulling my arm away from him.

“It’s okay, Dylan. I’m not mad or anything.”

“I don’t like you.”

Miguel bites his lower lip and looks down at his lap, playing with a piece of grass in his hand. “Yes you do, but that’s not a bad thing.”

“Stop saying that! I don’t fucking like you, okay!?”

He’s silent, and doesn’t say anything after that. I get up and walk over to the fence, climbing up on it and sitting down. I don’t look at him, but I hear him walk over and he leans against the fence beside me.

“Gina and I broke up.”

I know he isn’t finished, so I let him continue.

“No one knows that I have two Tumblrs. She read the one that no one at school knows about. Maybe they do, but they don’t know that that’s my Tumblr. Somehow, she found out that it was mine, and that I was talking about you. She wanted to come to the park to talk to me about it, but she didn’t know that you were going to be here. I figured it was time that we broke up. The whole thing… it’s about you.”

I turn my head to look at him.

“Dylan, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with liking me, because you’re a good person. You’re smart, funny, and cute. You’ve always been a good friend and you’ve always been there for me. Like when my grandma died, you were the first person there, and you knew how close I was to her. The Tumblr; it talks about all those things. And most of all… it implies that you’re a special person in my life, and I care about you more than people are let on.”

He reaches over and takes my hand, looking up at me.

“If you tell me this is some stupid cheesy thing where you proclaim your undying love to me after I’ve been crushing on you all these years, I swear I’ll slap you.”

Miguel laughs. “Unfortunately, it is. Dylan, you’re an extraordinary person, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”

I slap him. He holds his cheek and gasps.

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it.” Miguel grins. I lean down and kiss his cheek.

“Whatever.”

“Anyways, dear, abusive, Dylan.”

I roll my eyes and he smirks.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before, because I’ve never thought of myself that way, but… can you be like, my first, uh… boyfriend? This is weird.” He trails off.

“Uhm.”

He looks at our hands clasped together and then back up at me. “Uhm? Seriously? Is that all you can say?” he jokes.

“Shut up.” I mumble, smiling down at our hands.

“So is that a yes?”

“I guess so.”

“You guess?”

“Well what do you want me to say?”

“A more certain answer, that’s for sure. Come on Dylan. You’re so lame. No wonder you’ve never been kissed before.”

I fake anger, and turn away from him, pulling our hands apart.

I feel him move over, pushing my legs apart and wrapping his arms around my waist, hugging me. “Awh come on. You can’t be mad at me.”

I look down at him, and he grins. “No more Gina?”

“Nope. You are the only one.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

He reaches up and cups my cheeks, and brings my face down. I bend down and nervously brush my lips against his. His lips are soft and sweet, and my lips tug into a small smile.

“You know,” he mumbles after pulling away slightly. “I’ve always liked you as a little nerd. You were so adorable and shy.”

I roll my eyes playfully, and he reaches for my glasses which are hooked onto my shirt, and he takes them, pulling them out and opening the legs, and pushing them on my face.

“Keep the glasses. You’re not as cute without them.”

“Gee thanks. And I went through this whole change just for you… Shit. I mean…”

I clasp my hands over my mouth.

“You did? Oh Dylan. You’re so cute.” He laughs, standing on his tip-toes, kissing my chin. “But I did like you the way you were.”

“Well maybe you should’ve told me that before I dumped out my Wal-Mart clothes and gave them all to the Salvation Army and before I dyed my hair.” I tease.

“You’re cute and endearing either way. It doesn’t matter.”

“You’ll never stop embarrassing me, will you?”

“Never.”

“Ugh.”

“I love you too, babe.”