Right Here Waiting

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I felt the morning light shining through the windows, hitting me square in the face.

I rolled over to get away from the beams of light peaking through the curtains, wanting to cuddle up to my personal teddy bear.

I reach around and come up empty.

His side of the bed is cold, like he was never even there.

I sat up quickly.

No.

That couldn't be a dream.

It just couldn't.

Cameron came home last night.

But I look around, and I don't see any of his clothes.

None of his stuff strewn around, evidence that he'd stepped foot in this house.

I felt my eyes start to burn with tears.

It couldn't be.

I stared down at my hands and clenched them into tight fists.

I punched the bed.

I looked down at his shirt that I was wearing.

I pulled it up to my face and I could still smell him.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I heard a creak by the door and my head shot up.

And there he was.

In the flesh.

Cameron smiled at me from the doorway and my mouth dropped open.

He really is home.

He saw the tears in my eyes and his quickly filled with worry.

By the time I blinked he was already in front of me.

"Baby what's wrong?" He asked.

I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him close, taking it all in.

His smell, his warm skin, hard chest, strong arms holding me close.

I felt his lips come down on my temple and I shivered.

"You're really here." I gasped, feeling completely stupid for reacting the way I was.

But it's so overwhelming.

And it's hard to handle.

And contrary to popular belief, practice doesn't make perfect in this situation.

Cam squeezed me even tighter.

"Of course I'm home Chase. Don't you remember last night?" He asked, pulling away so he could see my face.

But I wasn't having it.

I didn't want any space between us.

I wrapped my arms even tighter around his neck and situated myself so I was straddling his lap and my legs were wrapped around him too.

I stuck my face in the crook of his neck and stayed there, breathing him in, trying to calm myself.

"I did remember. But then I woke up, and you were gone. And I thought it was just a dream." I said sniffeling.

"Fuck. I'm sorry babe. I'm such a jackass. I didn't even think. I just wanted to make you breakfast in bed." He said.

And his sweetness just hit me right in the chest.

And I started to cry even more.

"Fuck. I'm not helping. I'm sorry Chase." Cam said.

"Please don't say sorry. This is not your fault. I'm the one overreacting." I said.

"And you have every right." He said.

I pulled away so I could see him.

"It's just last night was so amazing. Better than I could've ever dreamed. And then I woke up, and you were gone. And it takes me back to that place. And I see you leaving, getting on that plane to go save lives half way around the world. And I don't know if your safe. I don't know if your hurt and in pain. I don't know if you're coming back home to me." I sobbed.

Cam's eyes were filled with such anguish and I hate being the one to put it there.

"And there's this feeling I get when you are gone, the second you're out of my sight. It completely takes my breath away. And it doesn't go away until I see you again. And I think that's why I can't breathe when you're not here." I cried.

Cam's hands came up to cradle my face.

"Oh baby." He murmured, kissing away my tears.

I laid my forehead against his and he took my hand.

"Chase, look at me." He said gently.

I opened my eyes and stared into his blue eyes, darkened by sorrow.

"I'm right here." He said, putting my hand against his face.

I cradled my hands against his face and rubbed my thumb across his cheek bone.

He took my other hand and placed it over his heart.

"This is all yours. Everything I have, everything I am is yours. Nothing could keep my away from you. Nothing. I love you with all of my fucking heart. And when I'm thousands of miles away from home, I carry you in my heart. Because you give me that strength to push on. You give me that strength to fight back and make my way back to you. You're right here always. And I'm always here too." Cam said, putting his hand over my heart.

I covered his hand and squeezed.

"I love you so much." I said.

Cam pulled me forward and his lips came down on mine with the gentleness he knew I needed in the moment.

He cradled my face in his big hands, chasing all of the feelings of dread, and fear for him, away.

He took in a deep breath and I followed suit, no longer feeling like my chest was constricted.

"I'll always come home to you Chase." Cameron murmured.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his chest.

"I'm sorry I got all emotional." I said.

"You never have to apologize about that Chase." He said.

"I'm acting like such a baby." I said.

"I'd rather you show me how you're feeling then be left in the dark. I'll be here for you no matter what baby. Even when I'm gone." He said.

I sighed against his chest and nodded.

Cam is the only one that can bring this sense of calm over me.

The only one who can stop my panic attacks in their tracks.

The one who can keep me together, when the only thing I can think of is falling apart.

I hate that when he's gone, all that sense of security and comforts goes right along with him.

But that's army life.