Stay

I had worried about Lillie for most of the night, so I woke up tired this morning. I sip on a steaming mug of coffee, thinking about her. Lillie had been really good for the last few weeks. It seemed like we were making progress, real, substantial progress. So, about a month ago, I suggested she move into the apartment across from ours. It had been empty for almost a year. I slowly convinced her with bribes, like that I would pay her rent, I'd keep a key to the place at all times, I would come over every morning and stay until she told me it was okay to leave, et cetera, et cetera. When she finally said okay, she would do it, I was so proud. We got her all moved in, I bought he a bunch of furniture, and the first two nights were great. Then, four days ago, I'd woken up at 3:30 A.M. to ear splitting screams. I grabbed my keys off of my nightstand and sprinted across the hall, unlocked the door and ran to her room. I sent a silent prayer up to God, so thankful that she was alone, that there was no one there. I sat down on the bed and gently woke her, just like I had so many times before. She had tears streaming down her face and she looked so confused. I held her and eventually, she fell back asleep. I stayed with her, sleeping until noon the next day.

I put my empty coffee cup in the sink to be dealt with later. I grab the sketches I had worked on late into the night and stuff them into my messenger bag. I'd been thinking about Lillie so much last night that I got inspired to draw. I lock my door behind me and crossed the four feet to Lillie's apartment. I knock on the door, knowing that she's going to be terrified. I yell, "It's me, Lil, I'm coming in, okay?" I put my key in the door and walk in, but she's not in the living room. I can hear movement in the kitchen so I head in that direction. "Hey, Lil, how are you today?" I ask. What I see when I get there almost brings tears to my eyes, but I can't let that happen because I have to be strong for her. She can't be strong for herself anymore. Lillie is standing over a bowl, spilling cereal all over the counter top, her eyes wide and glassy. I know where she is right now. She's stuck in the memory of that night. "Oh, shit, Lil, it's just me," I say as softly as I can a split second later. I need to be as quiet as possible. I toss my bag onto her table and yank the now almost empty cereal box from her hands.

Her eyes don't move until I grab her by the shoulders, roughly, to get her attention. "Lillie. Lillie, it's me. It's Gerard. You're okay." I search her eyes for the recognition. My worst fear is that she'll never come out of one of these, that she'll be stuck in the nightmare forever.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just got distracted," she says. I know she's lying. She knows I know she's lying. "I'm feeling good today, are you?" she asks me. I wish she would be honest with me, but I know she wants me to be proud of her. If she only knew just how proud of her I was. To be able to pick back up six months later, she was blowing my mind. It would take me years to get over something like that if I were her, or to at least get to where she is. Part of me thinks she's working so hard for me, but I always shut that part up. There's no way she would be doing this for me.

"I'm alright. If it's okay with you, I was going to hang out at the Bean with you and work on some new songs?" I ask. I like hanging out there while she's working, plus I know she likes having me there. Even though she's at ease there, she's almost her old self when I'm there."I'll drive you, I know you hate taking the bus." She agrees. I pull out the sketches I was working on the night before and my charcoal as she sits down to have her cereal. I love showing Lil my stuff, she always makes me feel like I'm Michelangelo.

"What are those?" she asks me, looking at the sketches intently. It's nice when she's interested in things she used to be.

"Just some sketches I started last night, possible ideas for a cover for the new album. Do you like them?" I ask her, holding up the two I worked on the most. My favorites. She nods and tries to smile through her full mouth. I chuckle to myself. I miss old Lillie like fuck. I ask her, "How did you sleep last night?" It's a question I ask her every day. It's such an innocent question but I have to know.

"I fell asleep around two and I woke up at six thirty this morning. I don't remember if I had any dreams," she says, continuing through her breakfast. You see, Lillie refuses to see a psychiatrist about what happened. She told me I was the only person - the only person - that she could talk to about it. She knew I'd told the guys, but she didn't know that I'd talked Karen, her boss, into hiring her by explaining the situation. That would have to wait until years from now when she was okay, back to her old self. Right now, it would probably destroy her.

"Well, hey, that's an improvement! Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the guys want to go to dinner with you and me tonight. They've missed you a lot, Lil. You want to go?" I ask her. I want her to go so bad. The guys have been asking me to bring her over or take her out with us for months, but I told them no, she wasn't ready. She couldn't handle it. I think she can now. I see her hesitating, wanting to say no. "We don't have to go, Lillie. I'll get some Chinese take out and a movie, how about The Princess Bride?" I offer her an escape. I don't want to overload her, drive her backward into a darker place. We'd been working so hard.

She shakes her head vigorously. "No, I want to go. I haven't seen the guys in so long, it'll be nice to see them," she says. "But...we could watch The Princess Bride later?" I smile at her.

"There's nothing I'd rather do." And there really wasn't. I want to be with her all the time. There was something Lillie didn't know - couldn't know, now - about that night everything changed. If that...beast hadn't showed up, everything still would have changed. I had been on my way to tell Lillie I loved her that night.