Stay

"Are you ready to go?" I ask Gerard. He looks up from his sketches, looking a little confused. "Work, I have to go to work." I laugh. He smiles at me.

"Yeah, let's go. Sorry, I was just...focused," he says. He stuffs his sketches into his bag and stands up. He throws an arm around me. "You looking forward to tonight?"

"Yeah, I am," I smile. I'm a little nervous. I haven't seen the guys in months. We all used to be so close, but after that night, I can't handle it very well. Gerard squeezes me.

"You're gonna be fine," he says. I lock the door behind us and follow Gerard to his car. He drives the same little silver Honda Accord that he got in high school. Gerard stresses me out when he drives because he has serious road rage and the screaming and cussing gets to me. It used to make me laugh, but now it scares me. He knows, so he tries to tone it down but sometimes people make him extremely angry. "What the fuck are you doing?!" he screams at an SUV that cut him off. I flinch. "I'm sorry, Lil, I'm sorry, but this guy is such a bastard!"

We make it to the Bean and I'm feeling shaky. Gerard screamed at some guy for five minutes straight. He turns and looks at me as I open the door. "I'm sorry, Lillie," he says, looking sad and ashamed.

"It's okay. Really," I try to smile. It's been a rough morning, but I guess it could've been worse. I walk into the Bean while Gerard is trying to gather his thinks. His messenger bag must have spilled in the back seat or something. "Hey, Karen," I say, walking in. She's got about a million boxes stacked behind the counter. I put my bag in my cubby hole and tie my apron on.

"Hey, kid," she says, throwing me a smile. "How are ya?"

"I'm good, Karen. How are you?" I ask her, waiting to be told what to do. I'm thankful that Karen doesn't know about what happened to me.

"I'm great, kid. Okay, listen up. We got this huge shipment this morning. Honestly, I wasn't expecting it. I need you to be in charge of it. We've got a bunch of poets coming in today for one of their weekly meetings and I have to supervise that. So, you know the deal. Put it in the computer, find spots on the shelves, repeat. Think you got it?" Karen asks. I nod and immediately open up a box full of box. I hear the bell ding, signaling someone coming in. "Hey, we're not - Oh, hey, Gerard, how are you?" Karen waves at him. He greets her. I don't listen to their conversation. I'm absorbed in my task. Gerard plops down in a big chair near the counter and spreads his sketches out on the coffee table.

"When are you going to start working on new songs, Gerard?" I ask. He looks surprised, but I don't ask.

"Well, actually, I've already gotten a couple written. The company wants us in the recording studio by next month to start working on the new album," he tells me.

"That's great!" I exclaim, trying to sound excited. A new album is great for them, but a new album means a new tour...and I don't know what that means for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that selfish, but without Gerard around, I'm too scared to leave my bathroom sometimes. "That's really great, Gerard."

I finally finish up with the shipment around five. Gerard's been here all day, working away. He'd been humming quite a bit, scribbling words everywhere. He had sheets and sheets of paper covered in words, scribbles, and little melodies. It could be mesmerizing to watch him write. "Hey, Gerard, I'm done. We can go," I say, tapping him softly on the shoulder.

Tap, tap, tap. The dark figure moved over me, knees on both sides of my him. He tapped his knife on my headboard. Fear came ripping from my throat in a terrible scream. I didn't know I could make sounds like that. The figure laughed. Ziiiip.

I gasp. I try to cover it with a cough, but I can tell that Gerard already knows. His eyebrows come together, a line of worry forming between them. His eyes say, "Are you okay?" but I don't respond. "Ready to go?" I ask. My voice comes out way too cheery.

"We don't have to go tonight, Lil. We can watch The Princess Bride and eat Chinese, really," Gerard says, getting up. He stares at me, those hazel eyes searching my face.

"No, I want to go. Let's go," I say. "I'm sure, Gerard. Let's go." We get in Gerard's car and he doesn't scream at anyone. By the time we get to Olive Garden, his face is a hideous shade of red. "It's okay for you to yell, Gerard, really. I can handle it."

"Well, it's a bad habit. I'd like to break it," he says, laughing. I take a deep breath. This place is busy. Lots of people. My hands are shaking slightly and my heart is pounding. "C'mon, the guys are all here." Gerard snaps his phone closed. We get out of the car. I throw my purse over my shoulder. The snap of the car door jolts me. The ambulance door slammed shut and I screamed. Tears streamed down my face. I screamed and screamed. The sound of a baby crying. Somewhere in the room, a baby screamed and cried as I was rushed into the emergency room. My mind is flickering between reality and that night like a TV during a storm. I'm remembering things I hadn't remembered before.

"Lillie?" Gerard asks, standing in front of the car. I realize I haven't moved.

"Sorry," I mutter.

"Seriously, Lillie, we can leave. It's okay," he says. He comes over and grabs my hand. "Tell me what you want to do."

"I want to go in, eat some pasta, and see my old friends," I say even though I'm terrified. I don't know how he doesn't feel me shaking. Gerard nods and drops my hand. I follow him into the restaurant. We find Mikey, Frank, Ray, and Bob sitting at a large round table with drinks and salad already on the table.

"Lillie!" Frank leaps out of his chair, almost knocking it over and runs to me. I see Gerard reach out to stop him, but he's already on me, hugging me fiercely.

"Frank!" Gerard exclaims. I see the worried faces of Ray and Bob, and Gerard and Mikey look terrified. They share a glance.

"Hey, Frankie," I say, wrapping my arms around him. I feel calm. This feels good. Gerard looks astonished, his mouth in a wide O. "How are you?" I ask him as he releases me.

"I'm great, Lil." He smiles at me. "It's been too long."

"I know, Frank." The rest of the guys get up and give me nervous hugs. Bob lifts me off the ground in his arms. He's such a warm person. When he sets me back down, I take a shaky breath. I can't believe I just did that. Gerard and I sit down at the table. I pick up a menu and flip through. I realize that I'm completely starving. I try not to look at the people around us, because as soon as I do, I'll see someone or something that triggers a flashback. I want to have a good time. I look through the menu and decide on chicken scampi, sans the disgusting bell peppers.

We all order, and dinner goes very well. We talk and laugh loudly. I feel more normal than I have since it happened. After saying goodbye, I wait in the car as Gerard has a quick conversation with them. He pulls his sketches out, pointing and gesturing enthusiastically at them. They all smile and look excited. I smile a little. Gerard heads back to the car and gets in the drivers seat. "Lillie, I'm so proud of you," he says. "You were just...wow..." He's smiling at me, his eyes a little shiny.

"Thanks," I murmur. I'm getting tired. "I'm holding you to your promise of The Princess Bride." I smile at him, and he smiles back. He pulls into a video store.

"I'll be right back, okay? Or do you want to go in with me?" he asks.

"No, I'll wait here," I tell him. He runs in the video store. I watch him run and get the movie, pay quickly, and run back to me. "That was fast."

"I was trying," he smiles. I could stare at that smile all day.