Hospital

Once again, we’re both inside of this car, as you cry all of your insides out and I sigh, thinking once again about the previous events…

It all started up as a joke; we were drunk, and I laughed my ass off as you did it, not even caring about the consequences. It wasn’t until your little brother, Mikey, appeared that we realized what we were doing was wrong; still, we didn’t regret it, afterwards. The next day, we did it again, and we laughed ourselves until all your blood was dry on the floor, just the moment your moment got inside that door; she took you away, and we didn’t see each other for a week. Even though we were just sixteen, it hurt so much to not see you for so long; I already loved you, back there.

When we saw each other again, we agreed to stop; and we did stop, but only for a while. After a few days of drinking, we were back at that fucking ‘ritual’ of ours, thinking it was just so funny that we didn’t have to do anything else than that. We started to get more discrete about it, and no one caught us ever again; we were fine with all our drinking and our ritual, and nothing hurt. Well, nothing but your body, on the next day. However, pain was just something the alcohol would take away; pain was a bug that alcohol ran over, not giving it a chance to make us regret anything.

We’re both twenty, now; our drinking problems are long forgotten, but you keep up with that ritual; you keep thinking you aren’t good enough, and that you don’t deserve to live. You used to hate needles; now, you lay on the same bed as them every single day, and you don’t even consider that when you attempt to kill yourself. It’s like you’ve forgotten who you are and what your fears are. I used to want you’d go on and forget about those fears, but, right now, I’m begging you’d just go back to the times you’d faint if a needle appeared; at least, I know that’d save you.

I don’t know if I can save you anymore; it doesn’t matter how many times I scream at you to wake up to reality, to understand you can’t do it anymore, you keep doing it. You say it’s what you deserve, and I argue, but you don’t care about what I say anymore; you keep slitting your throat every single day, waiting to die in our room. I always get on time at home, though; that’s the only way I’ve been saving you. I wonder if you’d die if I got stuck in traffic, one day; I wonder if you’d do it if I was home with you. I guess I’ll test this theory, tomorrow; baby, I can’t let you die. I’m a selfish bastard, but at least I’m not alone.

- The next day -

Today I called in sick, at work; since I had never missed one day of that hell-hole of Starbucks I worked in, they let me skip for the whole day, saying I deserved a little bit of rest. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about it, since what I was faced with by staying home.

You didn’t know I was here, did you baby? You thought I had gone already, and, today, you decided you should do it earlier and rougher, so I wouldn’t be your hero once again; baby, I’m not any hero, but I’m gonna save you once again.

You wanna know how you got fooled, and how I saved you?

I hid on the kitchen, waiting for you to take your coffee while lying in the living room, your face full of wondering; suddenly, you had an epiphany, and you quickly got up, the mug that contained that black liquid falling to the ground, already empty. The mug shattered into pieces, just like the little smile that previously lied on your lips. It seems as if you can’t give yourself a chance to be happy; you always have to ruin your happiness, our happiness, don’t you?

I saw you walk in a quick pace to our room; our Pandora box, that held so many surprises and memories of our amazing nights together, and the amazing days we spent, just talking and hugging each other; why do you have to destroy such a beautiful place, staining it red?

This feeling never leaves you alone, does it? Does it ever fade? ‘Cause, as I see you standing in front of our bedroom full-body mirror, I see the hate you feel for yourself; you have a gun in your hand, ready to make it blow your brain. You pull the trigger on your own, as I watch you fall onto the bedroom floor, wanting to scream, but no sound coming out; I feel like a strangled fish without its water, dying slowly as I see you gasping and choking on your own blood, trying to swim above it, while you’re on the highest of the skies, flames burning your body.

I may not scream, but I still run to you, slipping on the blood that surrounds your body, and falling directly on top of you; you didn’t shot your head, at least. Instead, you shot your stomach, where it is much easier for me to make a tourniquet, so I can still save you; after it is done, I grab the cellphone that lies heavy on my pocket, and call the hospital, telling them I’m taking you. I don’t to have to wait for them to get to our home, knowing that you could be dead by then; I just pick you off the ground, using all of the strength I could manage to find on my tiny frame, and lead you to my car, messily sitting you on the passenger’s seat, in the front.

By now, you must be dreaming of your heaven, while I frantically try to start the engine, my hands always failing to put the key in the ignition; I’m a wreck, and you aren’t even able to see what you’ve done to me. You’re hiding from me, baby; you’re hiding in your safe place, hiding with your eyes shut tightly on the way to the hospital.

I knew already you weren’t alright, but I think it never got to me rightly how damaged you were; now, when you ever rest your head, you end up feeling mostly dead. I had never noticed that, and it angers me to think I let it slip right before my eyes; I can’t believe I didn’t see what you were feeling. My eyes are wide open, now, though; I won’t let those nasty thoughts fill your mind with lies. Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all, take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars, I’ll make you understand that all those thoughts are nothing more than lies. Before I close my eyes, I’m gonna give it up; if I don’t save you this time, I’ll simply let go of everything, dying with you.

I see you twist in your seat, waking up slowly; at the same time, I remember the previous rides to the hospital we did together, the situations being always the same. It never used to hurt before; it isn’t funny anymore; before, I’d laugh at the silly faces you’d manage to get out when you were in pain, but now I can only cry as I see your face shift into one of pure agony.

I’m feeling so alone, now, even though you’re wide awake already, and you’re looking ahead, biting your lips so you won’t scream and wince in pain, making me chuckle sorely; funny how you wish, some way, that you could die at the hospital when you know how that would affect me. I think you don’t even care for me anymore, and I can’t understand why that would be; I don’t have time to think about it, though.

We’ve arrived to the hospital, and I angrily and worryingly demand you to get out of the car, helping you walk to the ER, even though you’re fighting in my arms, telling me I shouldn’t save you.

“Shut the fuck up; I’mma be your savior.” It’s the only thing I say, making you stop your attempts to run away, and even making you collaborate with me on our walk there; when we’re inside, the nurses quickly take you away from me, leaving me to cry on my own.

Hours pass by, and I’m finally able to see you; they say you might be a little sleepy, but I don’t care; I need to see you, so I know my mission was accomplished.

When I get to your room, some nurses are still there, roaming around and checking you up; you tell them you’re fine with a not-genuine smile plastered on your face, looking at anything, but them. As I’m standing by the doorframe, my mind starts to spat, and I know I can’t hold my tongue any longer.

“Will you look them in the face?” I ask, making the nurses look at me; I know you hear my voice, ‘cause you stiffen in the bed and your eyes widen, but you never look at me, which makes me go a little bit more insane. “Could you look me in the face?” I question you, stepping with loud thumps on the room, your eyes going through my face for less than a second, quickly setting on the boring bed-clothes, finding them far more interesting than my face; are they more beautiful than I am?

You don’t respond my questions; you just stare at those uninteresting sheets until I get tired of it, and storm out of the room. I can’t believe you won’t even talk to me, this time; I guess this time the thing went into a whole new level. You’ve been practicing these attempts of suicide since we were sixteen, but now it got to a whole new level; back then, it was just a funny drunken shit we would do, but now it is more serious than ever.

I fall asleep on a hospital chair beside your room, dreaming about how I was drowning in your blood polls, drinking it all away, but not in time to save you; I wake up feeling nauseous and wanting to die.

After waking up, I direct to your room once again, finding you asleep; I kiss your forehead, even though I’m mad at you, and you wake up, looking directly in my eyes. When you see what you’re looking at, though, you move your head so you’re looking at the opposite spot of where I am; I sit beside you on the bed, closing my eyes as I sigh deeply, hurt. That’s when the doctor gets in.

The doctor asks you what happened, and you end up lying, saying that it was just a mistake; you say you were cleaning the gun and shoot it, unintentionally; there are some nurses in the room too, but none of them see how bald the lie you just told them is. You keep a silly smile on your face all the time, and I think that’s what led them to believe you weren’t lying; you soon get to be out of the hospital, and we quickly make our way into my car.

You’re quiet in the car ride home; you’re waiting for your head to explode so you won’t have to hear the silence treatment I’m putting upon you; you’re slowly driving me insane, and I don’t know if I can take it, baby.

As I pull in our highway, though, I lock all the car doors, trapping us inside of it, forcing you to listen to me; you look scared, but I won’t let you leave until you tell me why you’ve done it so hard this time.

“Three cheers, you fooled them all!” I scream, my insanity taking over me as I open my mouth to speak; your eyes widen, and a crazy smile plasters on my face, scaring both me and you, even though I don’t show it. I have no control of my own body and mind; I only do what insanity wants me to do. “Come on now, HIP HIP HOORAY!” I scream louder, laughing as I do so; you back a little bit away from me, just as much as you can, and you pull your knees to your chest, trying to protect yourself from a mad lover.

“I’m sorry, Frankie.”

It is when I hear your pleading voice that my senses hit me again, knocking the insanity I’m feeling out, blowing them away from me as I breathe in and out, calming my mind and body; I look at you, and you’re now openly tearing apart, sobs erupting from your throat and cutting through the dead silence that had filled the car.

“Why, Gerard?” I ask, knowing you’ll know what I’m referring too; I can’t bring myself to apologize for scaring you, ‘cause I know that my madness is not under my control.

“I don’t know… I don’t deserve to live; I have lots of reasons to live for, but I don’t deserve any of this” you reply, making me hold my breath as you search your insides for more words to come out. “It’s like… I have a feeling inside of me telling me I’m not good enough, and that all I have is too much… I’m not worth any of this” you finish, making a single tear fall from my eyes as you say so; the feeling you feel, I’ll kill it baby.

“You’re more than worth; you’re worth anything in this fucking world, Gerard. You deserve all the love you’ve been getting, and you deserve to keep up with your life. You have me, your brother, your parents; everyone! We’re here as a reminder that the world is not better off without you” I say, making you, finally, stare at my eyes, trying to see if I’m only saying that to make you stop killing yourself, or if I’m saying the truth; looking at your eyes, I find strength and more words to say to you, the truth shining through my words. “You are one of the most amazing persons that has ever crossed this earth, that’s why you deserve all of this; that feeling is trying to drown you, but I won’t let it happen. If you ever feel like you’re drowning, baby, talk to me, and I’ll swim onto the deepest of the holes only to get you back up; if you tell me, I’ll save you before something really happens to you” I say, deciding to end my speech there, knowing that those words are enough to make you believe me as I watch your eyes change from a saddened expression onto a thankful one; I’ve always been ace at reading your eyes, my sweet baby.

I try to get out of the car, not wanting you to feel pressured by me or anything, but I only manage to embarrass myself as I forget that the doors are locked and try to open mine, any way; when I can’t, you let out a small giggle, which makes me smile, but I still unlock the doors and get out of the car. I can’t avoid to pass through your car door when I’m trying to get home, and as I pass by, I feel you grab my wrist, pulling me onto your lap; I fall on top of you, my back still turned to you, and you quickly make me face you, turning me around.

I see the face you pull out when I accidently touch your hurt ribcage, hitting right on the spot you shot yourself, and I instantly apologized with a kiss on your forehead, which made you smile; you then grabbed my chin, separating my lips from your forehead and connecting them with your own lips. We hadn’t kissed since the yesterday, and feeling your lips brush into mine again was just a… it was like a bat was released in my chest, its claws penetrating my heart, while he had his wings beating against my ribs; my heart was flying with the bat, while the bat tried to break away from my chance. Seriously, your lips make me feel so alive, baby; I hope they do the same to you.

We kiss for uncountable minutes, only stopping when both of us can’t breathe; we look each other in the eyes, and I can see how determined you are to stop that fucking ritual that almost put end to your precious life. As I look at your eyes, a smile creeps onto my face, and I know that you’ll never do it again; this time, it was the last time I saved you.

“I love you, Frankie-baby” you say, your voice melting with your smile.

“I love you too, Gee” I reply, kissing you again after I do so.

If anything tries to kill you, now, I know that I’ll be your savior; but I won’t have to save you from yourself anymore. My mission was accomplished.