Don't Bother, Angel

Your lipstick his collar don't bother angel,
I know exactly what goes on.

I know. I'm not stupid. I've been with you long enough, loved you long enough. I know what your eyes are fixed on when you glance over my shoulder. I know what goes on during the night time hours of work when only two members of your band aren't anywhere to be found.

You're pure shit at keep secrets, darling. I'm not.

But I'm stupid enough to pretend. I'll turn my head, try and convince myself that if I don't see it it's not real. But I don't believe myself.

When everything you'll get is,
Everything that you've wanted, princess.

I knew before we got married that there was something. Love, perhaps just some lust. A love affair that once was, maybe.

It was a love affair that always was. A ring and some diamonds couldn't change what you felt. A promise to me of forever couldn't make you advert your eyes. Even one child and then another didn't stop the long nights.

It was what I wanted my whole life, what I had waited for. A husband I loved, children I loved.

I just wanted your love in return.

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens.

I will smile. Tell our two sons the excuses you think I believe. I'll pretend it's our type of normalcy. I'll keep up the façade, praying every second of the fucking day that I'll never have to stop lying.

Because if I do have to stop, I'm not naïve enough to believe it's because you've left him anymore. Now I know better. The only reason I would ever have to stop lying is if you decide to stop pretending you love me. If you left us for him.

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins.

They're beautiful songs, darling. Every word comes straight from you. You didn't write those songs for me. Oh, yes, I'm in there. 'She's 2000 light years away.' Oh, Billie, I'm not. I know. I'm right here, I know exactly what's happening. Did Mike believe it when you sang that to him for the first time?

Does he believe, like you, that I don't know? Just a stupid housewife sitting at home and thinking that you only need a bassist and a guitarist for band practice. Billie, darling, you should know better. Sometimes . . . I think you do.

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me.
I know you well enough to know you never loved me.

Sometimes when you glance over my shoulder after a posed kiss for the photographers with an apology in your eyes for the only person in this fucking universe that you love, sometimes afterward I see the panic in your eyes when you look at me. Are you worried, Billie? Do you ever wonder if I know?

But I won't say it. Until you ask me, until I know that there's no more hope for pretending . . . I will play dumb for you, for our family. For myself.

Just like I pretend that for a moment there was love in your eyes. That occasionally you kiss me for that reason. That we have two beautiful children because of love.

But we don't.

(Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?)

But I love you. I can't help it. There's no one else for me, Billie Joe. You have him, your lover, the only one you ever really gave a damn about. And I have you. In my thoughts, in the photos in my wallet, on my wedding ring, next to me for a few minutes on the red carpet, in my bed on my birthday and our anniversary.

I've had the chance, dear, the opportunity. They look at me. I look back. I've tried. But there's never been more than a handful of kisses before I know . . .

I'm doomed to want you forever, the one man I can't have.

My husband.

And all of this was all your fault.

I blame you. I blame you for my gorgeous wedding ring, the pictures in our living room, the two children I brought into this world for you. I blame you.

Why did you even play the game, Billie? Why did you want me as your porcelain wife so badly? Why not someone prettier, quieter, more willing? Someone stupid enough to not notice?

Or is that what you thought you were getting?

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
For this simple reason

Why do I stay? I don't really know. Is it for the boys? It could be. But they're strong enough. They could handle the divorce. I have no doubt of that. Do I stay because I need you?

Do you want to know my secret, darling? I stay . . .

Because of your lover.

Because during those few minutes when all of your fake attention is on me . . . I see the same pain in his eyes that I see in mine.

It's just a balance of power, Billie. You need us to be your fucking teeter-totter.

I just need to keep you in mind,
As something larger than life.

But, even if I stay for the wrong reasons . . . I will love you through them. And I will endure. I'm strong enough. So don't worry about me, dear.

It's not like you ever did.