Skinny Jeans

"John." I shook him.
"Yes?" he asked quietly, surprising me.
I thought he was asleep.
"I can't imagine a world without you. Please don't leave me. I know it sounds silly, and death can't be avoided and stuff, but could you please avoid it? I don't want to live without you. Please..." I started crying.
He pulled me in. I wasn't really sure of what I was saying, or that it even made sense. I felt like a 5 year old telling her parents to never leave her.
"I will never leave you, I promise." he whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek.
"You promise?" I asked again, sniffling.
"Pinky swear." he wrapped his pinky around mind, holding tight.

When I woke up that morning, our pinkys were still tightly together. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was 1 pm. I sat up, grabbed some clean clothes, and hopped in the shower.

When I came out, John was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
"You alright?" I asked, knowing that it was Trevor that was on his mind.
"I'll be fine. Just thinking. It's hard to think of all the good times and then know that that person will never be there again. It's mind blowing to me." he sighed, picking his pants up off the floor.
"I know. I think crazy shit like that all the time. It's going to be hard without him around. Without his goofy smile, his crazy antics at every single party. He was a beautiful soul." I sat down next to John, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"It just makes me realize even more than I already do, how precious the life we are given is." he fumbled his hands, staring at the floor.
"We should live for Trevor. Live for the lost. Live for the good. He wouldn't want us to mope around. You know that. Trevor would be pissed if we beat ourselves up over it."
"I'm worried about Garrett. I'm worried about Trevor's family." he said.
"I'm thinking about all of those things too." I grabbed his restless hand and squeezed.
"You are the light in all of the darkness that surrounds me." he said quietly, squeezing my hand.

That day, John sat on the edge of the bed, writing songs. He asked to be left alone, so I went out and ran some errands. Picked up groceries, went to the mall, had a day to myself to just think about everything that happened.

On my way home, it started to pour. I pulled into my driveway, and entered my house. The smell of cigarette smoke hit me head on as I entered, followed by booze.
John stumbled through the hallway and stopped dead as I laughed at his shirtless, frail, body.
"What are you laughing at?" he slurred, burping and taking a drag off his smoke.
"You. You look a mess. I take it you had a fight with yourself?" I asked, setting bags down on the counter.
"You k-k-know me soooooooooooooo well, don't you?" he grinned.
"I do. I know you only drink before 6 pm on days when you aren't feeling yourself. On days when life is just too hard to handle. I know you are having the worst time right now. I can't imagine dealing with what life has dealt you." I raised an eyebrow as he stumbled his way over to a chair in the living room, almost tripping and falling flat on his face on the carpet.
"You have no idea." he said quietly.
"Talk to me, John." I sat down on his lap.
"You are a handful." he sighed.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I suddenly felt like a fight was going to happen.
"You have no idea. The tour is in 5 more days. Trevor is dead. You are constantly at risk of being harmed by a maniac. One of the reasons why I asked you to go with me on tour is because he's still out there. I don't want you alone in Chandler, Christine." he sighed again.
I shot up, suddenly irritated.
"I'm sorry I'm such an inconvenience in your life. I can disappear if that's what you'd like." I sighed.
"Shut up Christine." he slurred, getting up.
"Don't tell me to shut up, John. Why are you here anyways? If you just wanted to start a fight, or be alone, go be alone." I said, walking into the kitchen. He was right behind me.
"You know what Christine. I love you. That scares me. I hate everything right now except you. That also scares me. You have no idea how scared of life I am. I wrote you a song. It's called Saving Grace. I spent all night writing it. I've never been such a sap before. I never gave a shit about anyone but myself. But you make that all go away. You make me care about someone besides myself. We are lost, but we found each other, so in a way, we are lost found people. That doesn't make sense." he ran his hands through his hair, "I'm sorry I sounded like an ass." he apologized quietly.
"It's fine. Go take a shower. You smell awful." I laughed, kissing him on the cheek.