From Teenager to Daddy in a Matter of Months
Angels Have No Thought of Returning You
“I’m sorry I have to ask you this Mr. Bryar, but could you identify Ms. Cruz’s body and give us some background information?” I heard the nurse say but it was registering. Nothing was. I was sitting on the floor feeling nothing.
“I don’t think he’s quite up to-”
“I’ll do it.” I cut ma off getting up slowly. It was another chance for me to see Cassie. The nurse nodded and led me into a different room where Cassie laid, her eyes shut and her once tanned skin now pale.
“I’m going to have to ask you to give me a few details if you don’t mind.” I was probably meant to answer her but I didn’t. I was focused on Cassie’s lifeless body. “Is this Cassie Anne Cruz, daughter of Christina and Michael Cruz, mother of Jacoby Nigel Bryar?”
I nodded. “Yeah…” I stood there dazed in the last few weeks we had together. “Her birthday is August 11th 1979. She had our baby about five weeks ago he was born on the 27th of November.” It just came out I didn’t know why I said it; she probably had the information on them sheets. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Jas.
“You’re doing good buddy.” He told me. Guess ma sent him in. she probably couldn’t stand the sight of Cassie just lying there so lifeless… “Jack is outside with ma. He’s pretty upset.” He whispered to me. “Her parents don’t want to know about her….” I simply nodded. What else could I do?
“Mr. Bryar would you like to know how she died?”
“Yes.”
“No.” Jas said the exact moment I said ‘yes’. “Dude you don’t want to know it’ll only fuck with your emotions. Find out at the inquest, it won’t be harder to take in then.” He tried to tell me sternly but I wasn’t having any of it.
I shook my head in disagreement. “Better to find out sooner than later.” Then I looked to the nurse who was waiting for an answer. “I’d like to know. Please?”
“Well,” she sighed looking through the charts then looked at us when she found the information I needed to hear. “Ms. Cruz died of a lethal dose of injected heroin. And by the looks of things she may have been injecting heroin into her body for some time now. But we won’t know fully until the post-mortem is carried out.”
“Shit, you sure this is Cassie’s report thing and not someone else’s?”
“Heroin? How long do you think she’s been doing it?” I asked quietly as Jas squeezed my shoulder harder and mutter a ‘fuck dude don’t do this to yourself.’
“We have estimated by her feet that it would have been about five months since she started. But that is only an approximate guess. You will be informed when we do have proper stats.”
“But that means…” Cassie was using drugs while she was pregnant with Jacoby. It would explain a lot of things. I mean she’d ask for money to buy new clothes and when I asked her she said she couldn’t find anything. And the reason she was on such a buzz every once in a while. The reason she wouldn’t let me near her feet. Heroin killed the one I loved.
“I’m sorry Mr. Bryar I thought you might have know. That is why I’ve told you. I’m ever so sorry…” she gave me the sympathy smile, that cheesy thing that’s meant to ‘cheer’ people up. “I’ll leave you be. But Mr. Cruz will be coming in to see his sister.”
Within seconds of her leaving Jack walked in and stood beside me. “I heard what happened. I wish I knew there was something bothering her.” His voice quivered as he spoke to me. “I’m sorry for giving you shit…” he barely got out and he turned to me and I could see out of the corner of my eye he was crying.
“Dude it’s okay.” I said and just like that he pulled me into a hug. The guy who kicked the living shit out of me for dating his sister and then knocking her up was on my shoulder sobbing his eyes. And you’d think I’d be crying but no it was the twenty three year old that clung to me. “C’mon man, she wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
“I know, I know.” He repeated. “But I can’t believe my baby sister is gone. And our fucking parents don’t even care what happened to her. It just so fucked up. And Coby, he has no mother now.” I let him cling to me a while longer until he was all cried out. “I’m sorry. If you need help with anything, even with Coby let me know I’ll do what ever I can.”
“Yeah I will.” I told him, and then he walked off leaving me in the hall to face Jas who was going to drive me home. Only problem was I didn’t know where to call home anymore. Because they say home is where the heart is and my heart is with Cassie.
We ended up driving back to ma’s house. I walked silently into the house and went straight to the alcohol cabinet and took the full bottle of Jacky D out thinking after a few mouth fulls I might actually feel some pain. I knew Jas was watching me but he knew better than to stop me.
“Bob, ma and the girls are upstairs try not to make to much nose Jacoby is in my room if you’re looking for him. Please don’t drink to much man, you know that’s was he used to do and I don’t want that little guy growing up fatherless like us.”
“He wont grows up fatherless. He’ll just grow up motherless which is fucking worse.” I said bitterly taking a few more swings out of old JD. “You know I love Cassie, she didn’t deserve to go, they should have taken me instead. I mean fuck what do I know about babies and I work like sixteen-hour days. I won’t be able to mind him or me. I need Cassie.”
“You’ll be fine bro.” He sighed taking a seat beside me. “Listen you got me, ma and Jack if you ever need anything or any one to talk to. You go that?” I nodded. “Good, I’m going sleep I’ve to bring the girls to school in the morning.”
“Promise me you’ll look after Jay if anything ever happens to me.” I slurred resting my head on the table and tilted the bottle to my mouth to drink the sweet alcohol that was in the bottle.
“Don’t you start fucking talking like that. I swear you fucking leave that kid I will hunt you down and kick your fucking ass. He doesn’t deserve to lose both his parents. And you damn well know It.” He got up and stormed away.
“He’s always been touchy ‘bout that…” I reminded myself and soon feel asleep nursing the bottle of JD in my arms.
I was woken hours later by my mother who shook me violently to try getting me up. “What?” I said groggily feeling like shit but at least I could feel something.Maybe drinking wasn’t such a bad idea. “Go way to early.”
“No I won’t. You’re going to get up and get your son and get into gear. You are not going to drink your life away. I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to yourself. Do you understand me?” I knew she wasn’t trying to be mad at me but my father was an alco. She didn’t want me to end up like him. This was also her way of staying strong. She ordered you around people; I guess it made her fell more in control
“Ma I’m still wasted. I want to get even more wasted so I can feel pain. I can’t feel a thing, I’m just numb and empty.” I explained as best I could in my state. “I mean I should cry but I can’t maybe more JD’s will help but I’ll try it first and let you know.”
The room went very silent and she bent down to my level to look me directly in the eyes. “Do you really think this is how Cassie would want you to be? You’re strong but I am not going to let you go down like this she’s not even a few hours gone-”
Then out of the middle of know where it hit me. And it hit hard. Cassie was gone. I could feel the pain now, all the sorrow I should have felt the minute I was told she didn’t make it was pushing itself out of my body.
Then I did something I haven’t done since I was six years old.
I cried.
“I don’t think he’s quite up to-”
“I’ll do it.” I cut ma off getting up slowly. It was another chance for me to see Cassie. The nurse nodded and led me into a different room where Cassie laid, her eyes shut and her once tanned skin now pale.
“I’m going to have to ask you to give me a few details if you don’t mind.” I was probably meant to answer her but I didn’t. I was focused on Cassie’s lifeless body. “Is this Cassie Anne Cruz, daughter of Christina and Michael Cruz, mother of Jacoby Nigel Bryar?”
I nodded. “Yeah…” I stood there dazed in the last few weeks we had together. “Her birthday is August 11th 1979. She had our baby about five weeks ago he was born on the 27th of November.” It just came out I didn’t know why I said it; she probably had the information on them sheets. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Jas.
“You’re doing good buddy.” He told me. Guess ma sent him in. she probably couldn’t stand the sight of Cassie just lying there so lifeless… “Jack is outside with ma. He’s pretty upset.” He whispered to me. “Her parents don’t want to know about her….” I simply nodded. What else could I do?
“Mr. Bryar would you like to know how she died?”
“Yes.”
“No.” Jas said the exact moment I said ‘yes’. “Dude you don’t want to know it’ll only fuck with your emotions. Find out at the inquest, it won’t be harder to take in then.” He tried to tell me sternly but I wasn’t having any of it.
I shook my head in disagreement. “Better to find out sooner than later.” Then I looked to the nurse who was waiting for an answer. “I’d like to know. Please?”
“Well,” she sighed looking through the charts then looked at us when she found the information I needed to hear. “Ms. Cruz died of a lethal dose of injected heroin. And by the looks of things she may have been injecting heroin into her body for some time now. But we won’t know fully until the post-mortem is carried out.”
“Shit, you sure this is Cassie’s report thing and not someone else’s?”
“Heroin? How long do you think she’s been doing it?” I asked quietly as Jas squeezed my shoulder harder and mutter a ‘fuck dude don’t do this to yourself.’
“We have estimated by her feet that it would have been about five months since she started. But that is only an approximate guess. You will be informed when we do have proper stats.”
“But that means…” Cassie was using drugs while she was pregnant with Jacoby. It would explain a lot of things. I mean she’d ask for money to buy new clothes and when I asked her she said she couldn’t find anything. And the reason she was on such a buzz every once in a while. The reason she wouldn’t let me near her feet. Heroin killed the one I loved.
“I’m sorry Mr. Bryar I thought you might have know. That is why I’ve told you. I’m ever so sorry…” she gave me the sympathy smile, that cheesy thing that’s meant to ‘cheer’ people up. “I’ll leave you be. But Mr. Cruz will be coming in to see his sister.”
Within seconds of her leaving Jack walked in and stood beside me. “I heard what happened. I wish I knew there was something bothering her.” His voice quivered as he spoke to me. “I’m sorry for giving you shit…” he barely got out and he turned to me and I could see out of the corner of my eye he was crying.
“Dude it’s okay.” I said and just like that he pulled me into a hug. The guy who kicked the living shit out of me for dating his sister and then knocking her up was on my shoulder sobbing his eyes. And you’d think I’d be crying but no it was the twenty three year old that clung to me. “C’mon man, she wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
“I know, I know.” He repeated. “But I can’t believe my baby sister is gone. And our fucking parents don’t even care what happened to her. It just so fucked up. And Coby, he has no mother now.” I let him cling to me a while longer until he was all cried out. “I’m sorry. If you need help with anything, even with Coby let me know I’ll do what ever I can.”
“Yeah I will.” I told him, and then he walked off leaving me in the hall to face Jas who was going to drive me home. Only problem was I didn’t know where to call home anymore. Because they say home is where the heart is and my heart is with Cassie.
We ended up driving back to ma’s house. I walked silently into the house and went straight to the alcohol cabinet and took the full bottle of Jacky D out thinking after a few mouth fulls I might actually feel some pain. I knew Jas was watching me but he knew better than to stop me.
“Bob, ma and the girls are upstairs try not to make to much nose Jacoby is in my room if you’re looking for him. Please don’t drink to much man, you know that’s was he used to do and I don’t want that little guy growing up fatherless like us.”
“He wont grows up fatherless. He’ll just grow up motherless which is fucking worse.” I said bitterly taking a few more swings out of old JD. “You know I love Cassie, she didn’t deserve to go, they should have taken me instead. I mean fuck what do I know about babies and I work like sixteen-hour days. I won’t be able to mind him or me. I need Cassie.”
“You’ll be fine bro.” He sighed taking a seat beside me. “Listen you got me, ma and Jack if you ever need anything or any one to talk to. You go that?” I nodded. “Good, I’m going sleep I’ve to bring the girls to school in the morning.”
“Promise me you’ll look after Jay if anything ever happens to me.” I slurred resting my head on the table and tilted the bottle to my mouth to drink the sweet alcohol that was in the bottle.
“Don’t you start fucking talking like that. I swear you fucking leave that kid I will hunt you down and kick your fucking ass. He doesn’t deserve to lose both his parents. And you damn well know It.” He got up and stormed away.
“He’s always been touchy ‘bout that…” I reminded myself and soon feel asleep nursing the bottle of JD in my arms.
I was woken hours later by my mother who shook me violently to try getting me up. “What?” I said groggily feeling like shit but at least I could feel something.Maybe drinking wasn’t such a bad idea. “Go way to early.”
“No I won’t. You’re going to get up and get your son and get into gear. You are not going to drink your life away. I’m not going to stand by and watch you do this to yourself. Do you understand me?” I knew she wasn’t trying to be mad at me but my father was an alco. She didn’t want me to end up like him. This was also her way of staying strong. She ordered you around people; I guess it made her fell more in control
“Ma I’m still wasted. I want to get even more wasted so I can feel pain. I can’t feel a thing, I’m just numb and empty.” I explained as best I could in my state. “I mean I should cry but I can’t maybe more JD’s will help but I’ll try it first and let you know.”
The room went very silent and she bent down to my level to look me directly in the eyes. “Do you really think this is how Cassie would want you to be? You’re strong but I am not going to let you go down like this she’s not even a few hours gone-”
Then out of the middle of know where it hit me. And it hit hard. Cassie was gone. I could feel the pain now, all the sorrow I should have felt the minute I was told she didn’t make it was pushing itself out of my body.
Then I did something I haven’t done since I was six years old.
I cried.