From Teenager to Daddy in a Matter of Months
I'm Lost And No Heaven Can Help
“No Kell you gotta have some way of letting me take him out for an hour or two. I’ll keep the drip on him. Just please?” I begged Kelly who repeatedly told me no. “I’m not gonna leave him here.”
“Bob for the last time I can’t get him out of here. He’s under observation and you know that. Just talk to Dr. Lee when he comes out of surgery.” She told me and I sighed rubbing my forehead. “I have no authority, you know I would do something if I could.”
I pushed myself off the wall and walked back over to Jacoby. He was wide-awake kicking the air and sometimes the side of the cot. “Hey little Guy.” I picked him up slowly, cradling his small body in my arms. He was still kicking away not a care in the world; little did he know his mother was going to be buried tomorrow. His mouth opened and I put the tip of my small finger in his mouth and he began sucking.
“Hey,” I heard a voice call from behind me. I turned to see Michelle leaning on the wall. “Just thought I’d drop by since the other two are in with Thomas. I wanted to give them some ‘personal space’.” She laughed light heartedly.
“Now we both know that’s a lie, you just love my company.” I said turning back into a more comfortable position. “Lee still isn’t out of surgery yet, so I’ve to wait more.” I told her.
“Oh god, I think he’s avoiding you. I mean how many times have you seen him? Once? Maybe he’s afraid that if he says there is nothing he can do you’ll pound him in.” she walked over to us and kneeled down. “How is he doing?” she asked in a more serious tone.
“Pretty good actually,” Jacoby’s eyes slowly shut which told me he was now asleep. “His blood tests came back yesterday and there is minimal traces of heroin in his system but he could suffer from bad withdrawal symptoms because he is small for his age and well he’s been on heroin most of his life.” I nursed him in my arms for a while longer. “How about Thomas?”
She sighed as she took Jacoby’s tiny hand in her own she rubbed his fist gently when he grabbed her finger. “They won’t know until the next operation, which is due to start tomorrow at eleven and finish around half one. That’s if all goes well.” I could see the pain in her eyes as she talked about her son.
“Michelle, John and I are going to leave in five minutes. I just thought I would tell you before we left little Thomas.” I cringed at her voice. It was high pitched and so irritating. I’d know the woman all of two days and I already disliked her.
“Yeah okay.” Michelle replied in a bitter tone and waited for Kelsey to leave. “God I hate that whore. You know the reason I got divorced was because of her?” I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah I was around six weeks gone at the time and I caught her and John rid- making out in our bed. You should have seen his face in court when he found out I was pregnant…” she trailed off and I said nothing to be on the safe side. “Anyway may go to my little man. If I don’t see you later, good luck tomorrow.”
“Yeah thanks. I hope all goes well for Thomas.” I said honestly as she walked out of the room. I picked up some magazine that ma had left yesterday and began reading it, but soon stopped as my mind trailed to Cassie.
Sighing I looked out the window thinking of how tomorrow will go. In a way I don’t want to go because it will be our last good bye for a long time and in a different light I want to go because I know if I don’t I will regret it later on in life. I just can’t make up my mind.
I missed her, her soft hair, her whining to me about how tired she would get, those unmistakeable brown eyes. I was going to miss them all, it hurt even to look at Jacoby because he had some of her looks. The looks that I love or should I say loved?
“Well lad.” Matt came up from behind me patting my back.
“Hey what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be fixing cars at your garage?” I asked surprised to see him here. He’s my boss and sort of a friend in a way. But it was a nice surprise to see him all the same.
“Just thought I’d see how you and the little guy are coping. I know the funeral is tomorrow. Me and my girl will be there the lads are coming down as well. We want to pay our respects.” He said so seriously. He handed me a really soft small blue dog. I looked at him like he was mad. “It’s from the girlfriend it’s for the little guy.”
“Oh right, yeah.” I receive the little dog off him and place it in the cot near Jay’s head. “So is that all you came for? Or was there something else you wanted to talk about?” I knew this wasn’t the only reason he was here; there was just something else I knew he was dying to talk about.
“Actually yeah there was something else I wanted to say…” I fucking knew it. And it’s most likely got to do with working at the garage. Now that I’m a ‘single parent’ I guess everything is going to start changing for me. And Jacoby too. “Look it’s got to do with you working at the garage-”
“Listen man nothing is gonna change I will still be working the same way I was working a while back. I just might need some time off when he gets sick or doctors appointments and things like that.”
“Bob I wasn’t gonna fire you, I was about to offer you a full time position there. With the same pay as Larry and Chad but don’t let the others know.” I was going to tell him I didn’t need his sympathy money when he cut over me. “This is not me feeling sorry for you, this is me giving one of his best mechanics the potential to do well at work and with his kid at home.”
“Thanks a mill dude.” A small grin popped on my face and I hugged him.
{x.Next Morning.x}
“You’re going to go and that is final!” ma argued back to me. I signed Jacoby’s release forms to get him out of here for a few hours. “You’re going to have to go face the music at some stage!”
“I’m not fucking going back and you can’t fucking make me.” I said stubbornly to her. I stomped past her and down to the nurse’s office to hand them the forms. They were going to have an ambulance on stand by with Jacoby because they didn’t want to take any chances.
“Robert Nathaniel Cory Bryar you will not speak to me like that ever again or so god help me.” She cried pointing her finger at me. “You are going back because you need to get Jacoby decent clothes and you need clean clothes. I am not going to keep getting your clothes.”
“That’s right you won’t get my clothes yet you’ll get Jacoby’s and eh where’s my room? Oh yeah a fucking meter away from his door!” I gritted through my teeth trying my hardest not to make a scene but it’s fucking impossible with mothers around.
“For crying out loud you’ve going to have to some time or another! It’s an apartment and all your things are there. And you certainly won’t be living with me for the next few years. So get up off your behind and go home.”
“Fine but don’t expect me to be fucking happy.” I told her so she’d shut up. I threw my jacket over me and went to pick up Jacoby when she stopped me. “What now I can’t bring my own son with me now?”
“No you have to deal with this on your own. Plus the ambulance won’t be leaving for another while.” I glared and her and kissed Jay’s head before sprinting out of the car, the sooner I got there the sooner I could leave.
I pushed my foot to the gas and broke every speed limit going to the apartment. But once I got there I didn’t want to go in. I just sat in the truck and watched the building, like it was some sort of monster.
Somehow I pulked up the courage and got out of the truck slowly. The whole the faster I get in the faster I get out theory was totally gone. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be here alone! Some fifteen minutes later I was sliding the key into the front door.
Letters covered the floor. Bills and statements that had to be collected, Junk mail and everything. I picked them all up in a bunch and threw them on the small hall table. One fell down and I picked it up examining the front of it. The writing looked familiar so I opened it up and scanned down to the bottom and there it was. That signature that I had not seen to long ago.
Cassie
“Bob for the last time I can’t get him out of here. He’s under observation and you know that. Just talk to Dr. Lee when he comes out of surgery.” She told me and I sighed rubbing my forehead. “I have no authority, you know I would do something if I could.”
I pushed myself off the wall and walked back over to Jacoby. He was wide-awake kicking the air and sometimes the side of the cot. “Hey little Guy.” I picked him up slowly, cradling his small body in my arms. He was still kicking away not a care in the world; little did he know his mother was going to be buried tomorrow. His mouth opened and I put the tip of my small finger in his mouth and he began sucking.
“Hey,” I heard a voice call from behind me. I turned to see Michelle leaning on the wall. “Just thought I’d drop by since the other two are in with Thomas. I wanted to give them some ‘personal space’.” She laughed light heartedly.
“Now we both know that’s a lie, you just love my company.” I said turning back into a more comfortable position. “Lee still isn’t out of surgery yet, so I’ve to wait more.” I told her.
“Oh god, I think he’s avoiding you. I mean how many times have you seen him? Once? Maybe he’s afraid that if he says there is nothing he can do you’ll pound him in.” she walked over to us and kneeled down. “How is he doing?” she asked in a more serious tone.
“Pretty good actually,” Jacoby’s eyes slowly shut which told me he was now asleep. “His blood tests came back yesterday and there is minimal traces of heroin in his system but he could suffer from bad withdrawal symptoms because he is small for his age and well he’s been on heroin most of his life.” I nursed him in my arms for a while longer. “How about Thomas?”
She sighed as she took Jacoby’s tiny hand in her own she rubbed his fist gently when he grabbed her finger. “They won’t know until the next operation, which is due to start tomorrow at eleven and finish around half one. That’s if all goes well.” I could see the pain in her eyes as she talked about her son.
“Michelle, John and I are going to leave in five minutes. I just thought I would tell you before we left little Thomas.” I cringed at her voice. It was high pitched and so irritating. I’d know the woman all of two days and I already disliked her.
“Yeah okay.” Michelle replied in a bitter tone and waited for Kelsey to leave. “God I hate that whore. You know the reason I got divorced was because of her?” I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah I was around six weeks gone at the time and I caught her and John rid- making out in our bed. You should have seen his face in court when he found out I was pregnant…” she trailed off and I said nothing to be on the safe side. “Anyway may go to my little man. If I don’t see you later, good luck tomorrow.”
“Yeah thanks. I hope all goes well for Thomas.” I said honestly as she walked out of the room. I picked up some magazine that ma had left yesterday and began reading it, but soon stopped as my mind trailed to Cassie.
Sighing I looked out the window thinking of how tomorrow will go. In a way I don’t want to go because it will be our last good bye for a long time and in a different light I want to go because I know if I don’t I will regret it later on in life. I just can’t make up my mind.
I missed her, her soft hair, her whining to me about how tired she would get, those unmistakeable brown eyes. I was going to miss them all, it hurt even to look at Jacoby because he had some of her looks. The looks that I love or should I say loved?
“Well lad.” Matt came up from behind me patting my back.
“Hey what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be fixing cars at your garage?” I asked surprised to see him here. He’s my boss and sort of a friend in a way. But it was a nice surprise to see him all the same.
“Just thought I’d see how you and the little guy are coping. I know the funeral is tomorrow. Me and my girl will be there the lads are coming down as well. We want to pay our respects.” He said so seriously. He handed me a really soft small blue dog. I looked at him like he was mad. “It’s from the girlfriend it’s for the little guy.”
“Oh right, yeah.” I receive the little dog off him and place it in the cot near Jay’s head. “So is that all you came for? Or was there something else you wanted to talk about?” I knew this wasn’t the only reason he was here; there was just something else I knew he was dying to talk about.
“Actually yeah there was something else I wanted to say…” I fucking knew it. And it’s most likely got to do with working at the garage. Now that I’m a ‘single parent’ I guess everything is going to start changing for me. And Jacoby too. “Look it’s got to do with you working at the garage-”
“Listen man nothing is gonna change I will still be working the same way I was working a while back. I just might need some time off when he gets sick or doctors appointments and things like that.”
“Bob I wasn’t gonna fire you, I was about to offer you a full time position there. With the same pay as Larry and Chad but don’t let the others know.” I was going to tell him I didn’t need his sympathy money when he cut over me. “This is not me feeling sorry for you, this is me giving one of his best mechanics the potential to do well at work and with his kid at home.”
“Thanks a mill dude.” A small grin popped on my face and I hugged him.
{x.Next Morning.x}
“You’re going to go and that is final!” ma argued back to me. I signed Jacoby’s release forms to get him out of here for a few hours. “You’re going to have to go face the music at some stage!”
“I’m not fucking going back and you can’t fucking make me.” I said stubbornly to her. I stomped past her and down to the nurse’s office to hand them the forms. They were going to have an ambulance on stand by with Jacoby because they didn’t want to take any chances.
“Robert Nathaniel Cory Bryar you will not speak to me like that ever again or so god help me.” She cried pointing her finger at me. “You are going back because you need to get Jacoby decent clothes and you need clean clothes. I am not going to keep getting your clothes.”
“That’s right you won’t get my clothes yet you’ll get Jacoby’s and eh where’s my room? Oh yeah a fucking meter away from his door!” I gritted through my teeth trying my hardest not to make a scene but it’s fucking impossible with mothers around.
“For crying out loud you’ve going to have to some time or another! It’s an apartment and all your things are there. And you certainly won’t be living with me for the next few years. So get up off your behind and go home.”
“Fine but don’t expect me to be fucking happy.” I told her so she’d shut up. I threw my jacket over me and went to pick up Jacoby when she stopped me. “What now I can’t bring my own son with me now?”
“No you have to deal with this on your own. Plus the ambulance won’t be leaving for another while.” I glared and her and kissed Jay’s head before sprinting out of the car, the sooner I got there the sooner I could leave.
I pushed my foot to the gas and broke every speed limit going to the apartment. But once I got there I didn’t want to go in. I just sat in the truck and watched the building, like it was some sort of monster.
Somehow I pulked up the courage and got out of the truck slowly. The whole the faster I get in the faster I get out theory was totally gone. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be here alone! Some fifteen minutes later I was sliding the key into the front door.
Letters covered the floor. Bills and statements that had to be collected, Junk mail and everything. I picked them all up in a bunch and threw them on the small hall table. One fell down and I picked it up examining the front of it. The writing looked familiar so I opened it up and scanned down to the bottom and there it was. That signature that I had not seen to long ago.
Cassie
♠ ♠ ♠
Michelle