For You

August 6, 2011
3:40 PM
Location: St. Laurentine Hospital, Thunder Bay, Ontario
Azalia

A few days go by after Marc delivers the bad news on Jordan. I begin walking again, but when the nurses or my mother would ask if I wanted to see Jordan, part of me couldn’t, because I couldn’t bear to see him helpless just as I had a few days before. For all I knew, he was still in the coma, but wasn’t making very much progress.

A doctor from Chicago came to visit me, a social worker actually to be exact. Her name was Amelia and she had suggested I take the first semester of school off and see her on a weekly basis. Of course, my stubborn ass said no to seeing her and taking a week off of school, but after some negotiation, we came to an agreement: I start school on a late start, I go see her on a weekly basis, which we both thought was fair. Why I had to see her? She told my mother and Mrs. Staal it’d be best she tried to help me through the traumatic experience I went through.

I was also told that today was the day I would be discharged from the hospital on one condition, I see Jordan before I fly home to Chicago. I fought the idea, only because as I previously stated, I couldn’t bare to see him in the state he was in. However, after some negotiation and convincing from my mother, I figured I’d see him.

I heard a knock on my hospital room door that morning as I began to put a pair of shoes on. I watched it open and in came Jared and Marc, who were holding a teddy bear in their hands. “Hey,” I smile at them as Jared scoops me into a giant hug.

“How you feeling?” Jared asks me as Marc hugs me.
“Much better…what’s that?” I ask, pointing at the teddy bear.
“We figured you could leave it for Jordan, we also bought a card you could sign for him since your not sure when there going to allow you to come back and see him.”

That was another part of my negotiation with the social worker. My theory was that I wasn’t going to talk to her, but I was going to go to school and visit Jordan on the weekends until we knew he’d survive However, she said if I wanted to go back to school in September, we agreed I’d have to see her and not Jordan so much, because she felt it maybe painful for me to see him. I agreed, just to get her to shut up.

Marc hands me the card as I sit on the chair, along with a pen. I open the card and stare at the blank flap, not knowing what to write. I had so many thoughts to get off my chest; however, I didn’t know how to write them. “You don’t know what to say don’t you?” Jared asks me, but I don’t respond, because I know he is right. I write out Jordans name and begin writing my feelings out. “Azalia,” Jared begins as he sits next to me on the ledge of the chair. “I know this is going to be hard for you, because it’s going to be just as hard for us. Just know we are a plane ride and a phone call away, okay?”

“I know…this deal I made with Amelia is going to suck.”
“Believe, me I know…Jordan wouldn’t want this, trust me, but he would be okay with it because he knows this is what’s best for the both of you.”

I sign my name on the card before putting it in the envelope. I sit up and hug Jared. We then break away and he looks at my five foot two frame. “You’re a strong girl, you can get through this, I have faith in you, along with your family, and my family.”

“Thank you Jared.”
“Lets go?”

I follow Marc and Jared out of the room and down to ICU. I hold on to Jared’s hand as we approach the door of Jordan’s room. I look at the both of them and sigh. “I can’t do this,” I begin, trying to walk away as Marc’s grip on my hand becomes tight.

“You can do this,” he says as he hands the teddy bear to me. “You can do this.”

Marc opens the door and I follow Jared in as we stop at the edge of the bed. I step in front of him and hold my breath. Jordan’s still in a coma, with band-aids and an oxygen tank, all while looking helpless. I look at Jared and Marc, who are noddng for me that it’s okay. I sit on the edge of the bed as I rest the card and the teddy bear on the nightstand next to the bed. “We’ll give you a few minutes,” Marc says.

I don’t respond as I hear the door close in back of me. I look at Jordan, as I grab onto his hand and hold my tears back. How I was doing this, I wasn’t even sure. It seriously had felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. “Hi Jordan,” I say, even though I know he couldn’t hear me.

“I know you can’t hear me, but you need to know something…I’m sorry I didn’t come see you when I woke up, I couldn’t bare to see you like this…but I’m realizing I can because I’m stronger than I think I am…I just want to thank you for saving my life and putting yourself in a coma for me…Please know I have faith Jordan you will be okay…I don’t know when I’ll next see you…there making me go to a social worker to get through what we went through while they wait for you to pull through. Just know Jordan I’m thinking about all the time…and I’m realizing and accepting that if you don’t make it through this…you’ll be with me, even if I can’t physically see you, hear you, feel you…I know you’ll be there…Jordan, I love you and I thank God everyday for putting you in my life because I’m the person I am today because of you. Please wake up for me and never forget that I love you, and that I will always love you.”

With that, I kiss him lightly on the lips, trying to hold on to the moment so I can remember how his lips felt on mine. I pull away and let go of his hand, as I take one last look at him as I hold in everything. I walk out of the room and put my arms in between Marc and Jared. “I don’t know what the hell I would do without you two and your family…it defiantly was fate that our families had to meet…and I thank God everyday for that. I love you both,” I tell them.

“I thank God everyday for that too, thank you for being my best friend Azalia,” Jared smiles.
“I thank God everyday as well…I love you Azalia,” Marc tells me.
“C’mon…we should get going.”

With that, we walk out of the hospital where Jared and Marc bring me back to their house. I sit in the backseat and look out the window, as the pain I was feeling for Jordan became worse. I needed him so bad right now; I needed to know he was okay.

We pull up to the house and step out of the car. I walk in with Jared and see my mom standing in the hallway. I run to her and cry, not only because I was happy to see her, but also because I was afraid for Jordan. I bring my face toward hers as she wipes a tear from my cheek. “Come on, lets get going?”

“I’ll go pack. Where are Maria, Joe, and Makayla?”
“They flew home, their making arrangements for school and such. They miss you.”
“I miss them too…I’m going to go pack.”

I walk into the guest bedroom that I haven’t seen in almost a week. I sit on the bed and look around the room. This was the one place I truly felt safe, despite what had happened last week. I get up and throw something’s in my duffle as I hear a knock on the doorframe. I turn around to see Marc standing there as I zip my duffle bag. “Hey,” I say.

“Need some help?”
“I’m just about done…want to come in or are you just going to stand there?”
“I want to give you something.”

I sit on the bed as Marc walks in and sits next to me. I look in his hands to see he had a box in his hands that was wrapped in coral wrapping paper. “Marc…what is this?” I ask him as he hands me the box.

“I put this together while you where in the hospital. It’s nothing huge, I swear.”
“Thanks.”
“Well, aren’t you going to open it?”
I rip the wrapping paper off and throw it to the side before moving on to the lip of the box. I unfold the tissue to see a picture frame resting on a hooded sweatshirt and a stuffed animal. I pick up the picture frame to see it was a picture of Jordan and I after the winter classic. They may have lost that game, but this was always going to be my favorite picture, only because Heather was pissed we took the picture and that I was on Jordan’s back. “I knew it was you’re favorite picture…so I had it printed and framed.”

“Thank you Marc,” I say as I put the frame down and picked up the hoodie. “Marc…it’s Jordan’s Nike hoodie.”
“He always told me this was the hoodie he wanted you to have, I washed it because the last time he wore it he was running and it smelt disgusting.”
“Thank you…oh my God…”

I pick up the stuffed animal to see it was the build a bear I made him when he came to Chicago after his hand surgery the day we had drove aimlessly around listening to Coldplay. I hugged the bear, which was decked out in a hockey jersey and boxers, to my chest. “Marc…this was really nice of you.”

“I put it together because…well I figured the hoodie would keep you warm, the picture would give you strength, and if you ever needed a hug, the bear would do its justice.”
“Thank you so much Marc,” I say as I kiss his cheek and hug him.
“I promise you Azalia, you are going to get through this.”
“Will he be okay?”
“I hope so…I knew deep down somewhere in you that you loved him.”
“I really do…”
“I know you’re strong enough to get through this.”
“Thank you Marc, for having faith in me.”
“Azalia, are you ready?” My mom yelled from the stairs.

I put everything back in the box and through the duffle over my bag as Marc followed me down the stairs and to my mom’s car. We load the trunk and turn to look at everyone as we begin our goodbyes. I go to Mr. and Mrs. Staal first and tell them I love them. I move on to Tanya and Lindsay, and thank them for being the best girlfriends anyone could ask for. I then give Parker a kiss on the cheek as I move on to him and Eric, and I thank Eric for being the best brother anyone could have. I move on to Jared and begin crying as we hug. He cries to as he says, “Don’t ever put me through that experience again.”

“Thank you for always being there for me Jare.”
“That’s what best friends are for Lia. I love you.”
“I love you too.”

Marc is the last person I get too. I jump onto him and cry, as I hear him cry a bit as well as he holds me tighter, all while I’m gripping onto his shirt. “Thank you for always having faith in me Marc, don’t ever lose that faith.”

“Thank you for always listening to me Azalia. I love you.”
“I love you too Marc.”
“I’m a plane ride and phone call away if you ever need anything, remember that.”
“I will.”

Marc lets go of me and I get in the car. My mother and I pull out of the drive way and I turn my head one last time, as I question to myself when I will next see them, due to our schedules. I wave from the window and see them wave in the distance before turning my head to look ahead as we approach the highway.

I rest my head on the window as the car ride goes on. I begin to think about Jordan, how helpless he was at the moment. He was dying; there was nothing I could do about that. Everything Jordan and I had was practically gone, and I wasn’t sure if I could ever get that back. I close my eyes as the tears roll down my cheek while the last words Jordan said to me popped into my mind,

“Azalia, just know that it’s okay to move on, it’s okay to fall in love with someone who isn’t me. You’re a beautiful girl; any guy is lucky to have you…I’m going to watch over you so you find the person who will love you just as much as I do. Just know…know that when you’re down, upset, not feeling right, think of me, and I’ll be there for you…even if you can’t see me. You’re going to be okay…my family and your family is there for you. Just remember you were what I fought for, you’re the reason I became the person I am this past year, and I can’t thank you enough for that. I’m not leaving you mentally Azalia, remember that.”