Suicidal Memories

Banner By: The lovely Kallie

"Sweetie are you okay?" my mom's voice woke me from my thoughts, making my eyes focuse on her figure standing in front of the kitchen door.
I ran my fingers through my hair with a sigh, "Yes I'm fine mom. Why do you ask?"
"You've been standing there for awhile."
My gaze moved down to stare at the carpeted floor, taking in the details of the neutral and dull color.
I knew there was no point in keeping a strong façade when my mom could see right through it.

"Honey what's wrong?"
Another sigh escaped my lips as she stroked my cheek and held me close.
Beside him she was the only person who could make me feel safe. Blame it on the blood
"I screwed up big with James."

There were tears forming in the corner of my eyes again, soon sliding quickly down my cheeks, creating wet dots on my shirt.
"Oh sweetie," her arms wrapped themselves around me tighter in a caring way, trying to hush me.
I took it as a queue to bury my face on her neck, leaving a wet mark on her blue blouse.
"It will be okay," she cooed in my ear.
A muffled sob was all I could manage to let out, "I don't know mom, I just don't know anymore."

People say that good things come to those who wait.
Well I had spent my all life waiting and I still hadn't seen any good thing coming.
At least nothing that stick around for long enough.

He said he would stick around. He promised.
He promised not to leave and that he would always harm the ones that hurt me.
He promised me a life, a future. A family.
God knows how much I forgave him.

I forgave him when he was young and crazy, and only thought of getting hammered and screw how many bitches as he could. I told myself he just wanted to enjoy life. His amazing rockstar life.
I sticked around.

I helped him when he got home at the latest hours smelling of cheap hookers and alcohol.
I got him in his bedroom on the second floor.
I helped him undress his lipstick marked shirts and got him in clean wearable sleeping clothes.
I was there in the morning with an Advil in my hand and a glass of water, when his head trobbed too much for him to even open his eyes.
I was in the kitchen with an home made meal everytime he got back worn out after working with the guys.
I dressed that lacy lingerie he was drooling over to cheer him up.
I was there to massage his tense back and cuddle with him everytime the stress settled in.

I killed myself for that man and I still didn't regret it.
The only thing I could not accept was the way everything turned out.
No one said life is easy.

Life.
I wish it had turned out the way we planned.
We would be happy now.

So many plans thrown down the drain for a stupid, drunken, heartless mistake.

My suicidal memories.