Suicidal Memories

Everybody’s eyes turned to me as I slammed the bathroom door open, a guilty-looking Matt standing behind me.
“Is everything alright guys?” Zacky worriedly asked, peaking from the living-room and sensing the tension between us.
I muttered a yes and made my way to the stairs not taking a second glance at Matt.
“Tell Leanne I’m going to get Aaron to sleep, she doesn’t have to babysit more.”
Not waiting for an answer I kept climbing the stairs to the second floor, a distressed look on my face as I carefully opened the door of the guests room to not startle my son.

“Mommy!”
A small smile spread across my lips as his little hands held unto my legs begging for me to pick him up.
“Hey baby,” I softly whispered, holding his small body in my arms and watching as he snuggled his face unto my neck.
“What was that screaming mommy?”
My arms were swinging softly, rocking him from side to side to make him sleepy, his pink lips opening to let out a yawn.
“Mommy and Kiki were just disagreeing about something baby.”
He stared up at me, his eyes turning sad. “Where’s daddy?”

I pondered my options, thinking of the best way to tell him James had left. I could already picture the heartbroken look on his face.
It was hard for him. No matter how young he was when James and I separated I know he missed having his daddy around him everyday, playing with him and teaching him drums...Which was pointless of course, but I couldn’t help but to stand there watching every time he did it.
It always made me smile the happy look on their faces when Aaron managed to hit the drums and make some sound out of it. He was so little he could barely keep the drumsticks inside his small hands.

”Look mommy, your son is gonna be a rockstar!” James grinned, a silly look on his face, black rimmed glasses over his sparkling blue eyes.
I leaned against the door-frame staring lovingly, a soft laugh escaping my mouth as I watched Aaron with an Avenged Sevenfold toddler shirt jumping up and down on his daddy’s lap behind the drum kit, banging on it while giggling happily.
It had been a while since. He was always such a daddy’s boy.

I shrugged off my thoughts sorrowfully and laid us down, his face dropping to snuggle against my neck again, his breath becoming slowly deeper.
“He had to leave baby” I softly whispered.
His pretty eyes became teary, pouty lip trembling “But he not give me huggy mommy! I want daddy to sing for me.”
It truly and honestly killed me.
“Oh baby.” I pecked his little nose softly, my fingers brushing his golden curls and wiping the tears escaping his eyes “Mommy will take you to daddy okay? Now sleepy time baby.”
His heavy eyes stared up at mine, bright with tears “You pwomiss?”
I let a tear of my own fall down my cheek. It hurt more than anything to watch my son going through this, suffering over it. I hated to see him in pain.

Holding back my tears I held him even closer, pulling the covers of the bed over us. “I promise baby,” I whispered.
Soon his eyes were shutting close, his breath becoming even, but no matter how much I wanted to say he fell into a peaceful slumber, I would be lying, because that small and pained frown never left his sleeping face.