Suicidal Memories

I slid my arm from underneath his little body and watched as he frowned in his sleep, snuggling more against the pillow in a fetus position, hands tucked under his cheek.
His pink lips were parted as he breathed deeply, chest moving up and down in a soothing motion.

I could say he looked like an angel, but truth be said, he didn’t just look like an angel, he was one. It wasn’t only the big curious blue eyes and golden curls that made him it, it was his personality. I had never seen a child so sweet, so smart, so grown up, so adorable like him. That I would always thank James for, he gave me the perfect son.
His nose scrunched up cutely as I hovered over him, leaning down to kiss his chubby cheek, his baby scent making me smile.
“I love you baby,” I whispered sweetly, my hands sliding down to straighten the covers around him. He barely moved, he was a heavy sleeper. Just like his father, I thought to myself.

Sighing, I sat up in bed, careful to not uncover my sleeping son. I got to my feet, my back snapping a little and my sore body from the cat fight stinging, making me groan.
I started to gather his toys; his koala plush, his Legos scattered around the room, and slid them into his Noddy backpack, getting ready to leave.

“You’re leaving already?”
I turned around to face Leanne, giving her a small nod.
“I’m tired. I just want to go snuggle up in my big, warm, soft and definitely empty bed,” I muttered lowly.
A sympathetic look was on her face as I went back to gathering Aaron’s things. I didn’t mean the last part to slip.
“You need help?” she asked.
I shook my head, placing the packed bags near the door “No, thanks. I’m used to it, I can do it on my own.”
Her face saddened as I once again mentioned him indirectly, the hurt and bitterness obvious in my voice.
“It’s okay to accept help dear,” she sighed.
I didn’t even look up “There’s only one person that should be helping me right now.”
The conversation stopped there.

I placed Aaron’s jacket beside him on the bed and laid him over it, carefully slipping the sleeves over his arms so his small hands wouldn’t get stuck and zipped it up so he wouldn’t get sick, then threw both bags over my shoulder.
Leanne was still there watching me, showing me her help offer was still up.

I gave her a small smile, picking Aaron up, one hand on his back and the other holding his head to my neck protectively “I’m sorry for snapping at you but it’s okay, really.”

She still looked unsure but gave up, accompanying me to the door.
“I’ll call you tomorrow or something, I promised Aaron I would take him to see James,” I sighed, standing in hers and Brian’s front porch, holding Aaron close to the warmth of my body.
“Alright dear, I’ll be waiting for the details.”
A weak smile crossed my lips “Okay. Tell the guys I’m sorry for leaving so soon. Bye”
“I will. Bye Lyn.”

I walked to my car, watching as she waved goodbye and closed the door behind her.
“Mommy?” Aaron’s sleepy voice called when I set him down on his baby chair, eyes opening slightly.
I pressed my lips to his forehead, doing his safety belt and checking to make sure it was okay . “Mommy’s here baby, go back to sleep.”