There's Only One Way Down This Road

Jasmine.

It’s amazing how quickly things can change. From day to day, it seems like everything is the same, but then you look back on it, and everything’s drastically different. Things change whether you want them to or not, it’s pretty inevitable. Fate wants things to happen, so they happen even if you’re not prepared.

My life is a pretty good example of change. Three weeks ago, I was single, I only talked to my three best friends, and I had never been kissed. Now, I have an amazing boyfriend, I’ve made new friends, and I’ve kissed. A lot. Three weeks ago, dating a guy was just time consuming, school work was my only focus, and I was determined to be valedictorian. Now, I can’t imagine a way to spend my time besides hanging out with Alex, I’m skipping school and slacking on work, and valedictorian just doesn’t seem that amazing anymore. (Even though the letter I got in the mail a few days ago said that the spot was mine and to start preparing a speech…)

It seems like only yesterday, my dad was taking me to the local park to play on the playground. He took me every day starting the day I turned four and ending the day I turned nine. I remember telling him that I was getting too old to be hanging around with my dad everyday and it was embarrassing. That he was embarrassing. Going to the park was for little kids, and I wasn’t one anymore. I hurt him more than I had intended to at the time, and we started growing apart. When I was twelve, he started dating his new girlfriend. I hated her more than anything. We started fighting about her, and I would always run to that same park. The same park that I was ‘too old’ for. It became a sort of safe haven for me. It became a daily occurrence, our fights. Kathy would do something, I would say something, my dad would get angry and yell at me, and I would run to the park.

Then, my dad killed himself. The man that I had depended on for everything left me alone in this cruel world. I hated him for months after it had happened, but then I just got upset. I would constantly cry, and it became hard to wake up every day. I was so depressed; I would get sick from it. I would throw up because of stress, looking at food, having to eat food, and plain human contact. I ended up losing about forty pounds, weight I couldn’t live without. I was left at a mere 87 pounds, which is disgusting for a 15 year old girl. It was deadly. I entered the hating myself phase, and I wanted to kill myself. I tried and failed, twice. I’m thankful now, but back then it was the worst thing possible.

I don’t really know when things started turning around for me. I mean, I was sick all through my sophomore year and halfway into the summer. I stopped getting sick when I interacted with other people halfway through sophomore year, and then at the sight of food a few weeks later. I still couldn’t eat by myself or be put under stress, though. The beginning of summer, I told myself I had to change. I was going to therapy for my depression and I was on some serious medication. I forced myself into eating, and slowly started gaining weight back. Honestly, though, I still haven’t gained it all back. Two years later and I still only weigh 112 pounds as opposed to my old 127. I still get sick under stress, too.

The beginning of Junior year was pretty awful. It is the hardest year of school, after all. All teachers looked at me like I was some sort of basket case, and it killed me. I pushed myself way too hard, and ended up harming myself. My therapist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, mild schizophrenia, and acute OCD. The medication I was given was a much stronger dosage then most people needed, and I had to take it more frequently. On top of that, I was given pills to make me gain weight. They never worked though, they just made me more stressed out which led me to be more sick.

I got to the point where I would take pills to help me stay awake at night. I would go seven or eight days without sleep until I crashed. My mind became a jumbled mess, along with all the work I did. I would write in notebooks, every single page until the entire thing was full. Most pages were completely black from ink, because blank space was forbidden. I was going crazy, and there was no medication to help that.

No one around me, aside from my friends and Kylie’s mom, knew what was happening to me. People just ignored me and dubbed me as the nerdy, friendless loser. I had no problem with it, though, because they all pushed me aside. After freshman year, I hated attention and wanted nothing to do with it.

Junior year ended and I was doing pretty well. Occasionally, I would have mental breakdowns and throw up until I passed out, but that will always happen. It’s not something I can really control. Summer before Senior year was amazing, and it was the first time since before High School that I was okay with myself. I spent all my time with my friends around Maryland. Every week, we would take a day trip somewhere, but they never only lasted one day. Life was pretty solid.

Senior year approached and things got more serious. I had to up the dosage on my medicine for stress and depression, and I started eating less again. I have a checklist of colleges that I’m interested in on a white board in my room and a stack of college’s that are interested in me. I was on the verge of a mega break down before Alex came along.

He calms me down without even knowing it, and he brings me down before a breakdown can occur. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to tell Alex my life story until much further into our relationship because it could possibly destroy us. There are still days when I don’t want to wake up, but then I think of Alex and I can’t wait to start my day.

I don’t know how I’m going to live with Jack, to be honest. He will see all my medication, I know it. I still don’t enjoy sleep, and I try to prevent it as much as possible. My mind is still jumbled most of the time, but it’s been clearing up lately. I know Jack will find the notebooks, and I know he’ll ask questions. I just hope he trusts me enough not to tell Alex.

“Are you okay there, baby? You seem awfully dazed right now.” Alex said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

He was currently driving me home so I could get ready for our date tonight. I ended up completely skipping school due to slow service at Waffle House and Jack wanting to get dessert afterwards. My excuse for the school was that I had a breakdown that morning and had to go pay a visit to my doctor. They bought it, though, because it happened a lot last year.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just thinking about living with Jack, that’s all.”

“Jack stays at my place most of the time and you’ll most likely be with him, so that means basically staying with me. Have fun with Rian, baby. I’ll be back to pick you up at around five, okay?” He said, pulling up to my house behind Rian’s car. Right, we were doing applications today. Shit.

“What should I dress for? Formal or casual?”

“Hmm, casual, but not too relaxed.”

“Alright. Bye baby, I’ll see you in a bit.” I waved as he peeled out and drove around the drummer’s car. Alex was practically out of sight when Rian opened his door.

“Hey Jasmine, are you ready for this!?” Rian exclaimed happily as we walked to my door. He was bouncing with joy, and he looked adorable. I nodded and opened the door, leading Rian up to my bedroom. “What colleges are you thinking of?”

“Well, I’m gonna apply to some local ones like University of Maryland and College of Southern Maryland, but I want to apply to some out of state ones too.”

“Like what?”

“Well I really want to apply to New York University because that is my main goal, but also New York Institute of Photography and the New York Film Academy.”

“And I’m assuming you’re gonna apply for some scholarships?”

I nodded as he pulled up college board on my laptop. “Yeah, but the colleges in Maryland have offered my scholarships for academics, along with NYIP for my amazing photography, so I would just really need to apply for some for NYU and NYFA.”

Rian got to work on exploring the NYU website, bookmarking all pages that may be important in the application process. He was moving through the website fast, but every so often he would check the tabs just to make sure everything was saved. I’m pretty sure he was a pro at this.

“Alright, I have a list of scholarships that you would be eligible for. There’s only the Martin Luther King, Jr., Scholars Program that is offered by NYU, but there are others that are given. For example, you could get a scholarship because you’re technically an orphan. There’s also some other ones for people with disorders, but I’m sure that’s not you.” Rian said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Oh, if you knew how wrong you were, Rian.

“Like what disorders?”

“They say things like clinical depression, ADHD, OCD, autism, things like that.”

“Is schizophrenia on that list? Or how about bipolar disorder?” I asked, trying not to seem too obvious.

“Yeah, they are, but I don’t see why you would need that.”

If he was going to be helping me apply for scholarships, he should know more about me. I wouldn’t be able to do this alone, and I need this scholarship to be able to stay at a school for four years.

“Actually Rian, I do. Please don’t tell Alex this, because I want to tell him myself when I know he won’t leave me. I may or may not be depressed out of my mind, schizophrenic, bipolar, and have mild OCD. I’m pretty sure I could be dubbed as mentally insane, actually.” I said, smiling awkwardly at the shocked man in front of me. Rian looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

“How?” Was all the older man was able to mutter, running his hands over his head. “How has Alex not noticed, too? What else is wrong with you?”

“Ouch, Ri. Nothing is ‘wrong’ with me, I’m just as right as anyone else. I just happened to be dealt a shitty card in life and I have to suck it up and deal with it. Alex hasn’t noticed because I take a shit load of medicine every day to make me seem more normal. I have most of it under control, just not all of it. I still get stressed, which is why I needed someone to help me with applications, and I still have some things that are a little off.”

Rian looked like he still had a hard time processing the information. Was it really so hard to believe that I had mental problems? “What do you take medicine for?”

“Stress, depression, my schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, OCD, and I should take some for my weight, but they didn’t work. I still have breakdowns despite the medication, and I don’t sleep.”

“Damn, girl.” Rian said, shaking his head. “You make it seem like your life is perfect. You’re always happy and smiling. If you hadn’t told me, I never would have guessed. You do know that you will have to tell Alex soon, right?”

All I could do was nod and nervously play with my hands. I felt like such a fucking loser. Even though Rian seemed fine with everything, I knew he wouldn’t treat me the same. That’s why I don’t tell people about it. He smiled at me got off my bed.

“Email Alex back while I find something for you to wear, doll. We can finish applications another day.”

~

lexy baby;

I’M SO EXCITED FOR OUR DATE TONIGHT. <3 I seriously have never been so excited in my life.

I love the guys. I’ve said it once and I know I’ll say it again. They’re starting to grow on me. (:
Leave Jack alone. He’s sweet. And don’t say he’s just into sluts because it seems he has developed a slight attraction to my Becca. <3 They would make such a perfect couple.

You looked adorable yesterday, make up and all. I couldn’t even tell there was anything there. No one noticed you were wearing makeup, either, so you can calm down sir. (:

Do you think I was too harsh on Kylie in the hospital today? I mean, every word I said was the truth, but was it too soon to say it? I mean, she just tried to kill herself and I sat there telling her how awful of a person she it?
I’m such a fucking bitch.

I just couldn’t handle being dragged around by her anymore. Despite how much of ‘best friends’ we were, she practically owned me. I had to follow her. She constantly used my father against me, saying it was my fault he killed himself and left me with his girlfriend. She would say that everything that has happened in the last four years was my fault and nobody would ever give me the time of day if they knew my past.

The worst part is, I grew to believe her. I was her bitch. She could make me do anything because I felt so low.

I’m just super thankful I have you here with me through all this. Becca, Jack, and Spencer , too. And of course Merrick and Brian. <3 I don’t know how I’d be acting right now if it weren’t for you guys.

I hope you had as much fun at the Showcase as I did, Lex. Everyone really loved you. <3 I actually had an email from Mr. Smith congratulating me on ‘such an amazing catch’ and said that our voices sounded perfect together. I love him so much. <3 He’s like a second father to me.

seriously, I tell him everything.

(a lot of which is about you. <3)

(:

Like I said, I’m so freaking excited for our date. <3 Mainly because I get to see your beautiful face again, but hey. You can’t hold that against me.

You have no idea how much you guys helping will mean to me. <3 I love you and the guys so much and I owe you so majorly right now. I have a ton of things that need to be packed, though, so I hope you’re ready. (:

The guy who’s helping me find my mom emailed me today. I ended up calling him yesterday at Becca’s and he said he would try to make the search as quick as possible. In the email, he explained what he needed to make the search possible and what I needed to do. He explained that I’m his only case right now so it will be his main focus. Hopefully, he should have some news to me by Sunday.

<3 I’m so excited to hear back from him.

Rian was a ton of help today, and I’m pretty sure we bonded over the experience. <3 I know he’s gonna be like a big brother to me. I love him. His teeth are so fucking white though, I feel blinded when I look at them.
He’s actually in my closet as I type this searching for an outfit. He’s already picked out two things, but they were too formal for what you said, so he had to go back in.

Do you wanna know a secret? I think it’s adorable how much you love your band mates. Jacky was telling me all about your cuddle fest the other night. <3 It’s so cute. I love how much you love them and how much you love your music.

I also happen to love hanging out with you. (: You seriously make me so happy, Alex. Dating you would have seemed so weird a few weeks ago, but now you’re all mine. (; I love your hugs, and I love your kisses. Cuddling with you? Best feeling in the world. <3

I’ll be seeing you in a few hours, Lexy.
I love you more. <3
LOVE, your girlfriend.

p.s. I do love you too.
p.s.s. I second how you meant it. <3
p.s.s.s. I’m falling so hard for you, Alex. I can’t even process how hard right now.

Some people would think we’re moving way too fast, but I could care less. I’m falling so in love with you. <3

Hurry up and get here. (:

”Ri, you know Alex would be pissed if I wore a shirt that mentions getting high on it, right?” I said, as the 23 year old brought out my ‘Sunshine isn’t the only thing that makes me high’ shirt. I don’t even know why I kept it, considering it was a joke gift from Spencer used purely for entertainment.

“He’d get over it. Would you be mad if I put you in a romper?” He questioned, sticking his head out of my closet.

“Of course not. Rompers rank number three on my list of favorite things to wear, right behind dresses and skinny jeans.”

Rian nodded and made his way back into the closet. Not even five minutes later, he emerged with a full outfit. Alex was right when he said that Rian had amazing fashion sense, because the outfit was better than what I could have picked out.

He had chosen my favorite romper, a pair of tan sandals, and a tan headband. Also, he brought out a bag marked as ‘natural looking makeup.’ Cass was so lucky to have a man like him.

“Sit down and start doing your makeup while I do your hair, Jasmine, and don’t give me that look. My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to curl her hair when she was too lazy, and the skill stuck with me.”

I just laughed and sat down. As I was applying brown eyeliner, Rian plugged my curling iron on and turned it up to the highest setting. Small talk was made as we both got me ready for my date, but it stayed small. I wasn’t up for distracting Rian and having him ruin my hair. Both tasks were completed at the same time, however, and both my hair and makeup looked amazing.

“Thank you Rian, it looks so good. You’ll have to help me out more often.” I said standing and hugging him tightly. He graciously returned the hug and kissed the top of my head before pulling away. I think we just had a moment.

“Did we just have a moment?” Rian asked, reading my mind. I let out a small giggle and nodded. “Sweet. Bonding with Alex’s girlfriend for the win. Now, go finish getting ready.” He said before lightly smacking my butt. I just pushed him a little, grabbing the clothes and making my way into the bathroom.