Do You Want Me Dead?

I stood there, watching him walk away from me. Watching the sun shine off his black hair. Watching him walk to her. Watching the man I’m married to walk into the arms of his girlfriend. Watching her platinum blond hair bounce as she did, as if for anticipation. Watching her squeak as if she knew nothing. Watching them walk into the venue hand in hand. Watching his friends stand off to the side. Waiting for them to go in before they enter the venue too. Watching them watch me, as if they were expecting me to fight for my husband of 28 hours. I stood there watching his friends, and mine, stare at me with sad eyes. Watching them kiss, as if he hadn't been married for 28 hours. What am I to do? Go up to her, and yell at her? Is that what anyone else would do? What would any other person do in this predicament? However, I cannot do anything, because I simply I can’t do that to him. He wanted to divorce anyway. He said he could never stay with a ‘drunken mistake’. He said he was too young to be married. As if 20 wasn’t much too young? Seeing as I am 20 and he’s 24, you would think I would be the one announcing I am far too young to be married. Waking up in Vegas married is not the way you want to spend your 20th birthday.

“Alexis…“ I heard faintly, from what I could tell it was from my boss, and friend, Pete. I couldn’t answer, or even acknowledge him. My eyes were glued to the scene unfolding in front of me. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Announcing he is currently married to a 20 year old. Announcing that he is breaking off his relationship until he ends his marriage. Announcing to his girlfriend of 9 months, that he not only cheated on her… but also married to the girl who he cheated with. All because of a drunken mistake in Vegas.

“How can I compete with that, Pete?” Curiosity has gotten the best of me. I wanted to know what I already knew. That I will never have a true chance with him. That no matter what, I’ll always be ‘Pete’s assistant’ or ‘Pete’s Shadow’.

“How am I, a normal assistant, supposed to compare to her, a playboy bunny?” I knew I sounded like I wanted to stay with him. I knew what it sounded like. How I was I not suppose to compare myself to her? I am his wife after all. He is my husband for a short time.
“Alexis…” he seemed to be struggling, as if he didn’t know what to say. If anyone over heard our what we were talking about. No one was to know that we were married. No one except the need to know.

“I never expected to be married before my 21st birthday, Pete. What am I to do, what is he going to tell his fans? What if they don’t like me? What if they try and kill me? Oh God! What am I going to tell my mom?” I started breathing heavily. I knew what that meant, and I hoped Pete knew what that meant. “Alexis, calm down honey. It’s okay. You’ll figure it out, you always do.” The only problem with his statement was, I couldn’t calm down. I Couldn’t stop freaking out. I felt like the whole world was watching me. Everyone backstage had their eyes on me. Either for sympathy or for with worry. Like they were expecting me to break down.

“I can’t do this Pete, I can’t force him to break it off with her. I can’t make him do this.” I started to walk towards them. He still hadn’t told her. You could tell just by looking. He looked like he was trying to find a way to tell her. His band goes on in an hour, an hour for him to tell her. I was almost there, almost to where they were seated, when I heard him tell her that he needed to tell her something important. I could feel Pete’s presents beside me. I could feel the waves of worry coming off of him. I could feel it from everybody I passed. I paused, waiting to hear how he was going to explain this to her. How he was going to tell the ‘love of his life’ that he was married to someone, when he had just told her not two months before, that he wasn’t ready to marry and settle down yet.

“Holly, I.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but…” He took a long pause. Long enough for me to question if he was really going to tell her. “Holly, I’m married, I got married, in Vegas this weekend. And.. Well, I can’t keep seeing you when I’m married to her” He was saying it like I had trapped him. Which seemed like I did. I knew his fans would see it as that. I had already been accused of being Pete’s mistress. I have already been accused of using Gabe when I dated him the year before, we dated for almost a year and they still thought I used him.

“Shit..” I cursed. Jack and Holly both looked at me. Jack with a look of worry. Holly with a look of anger. “Um, Excuse you. We’re talking and what we’re talking about is none of your business.” Jack looked like he wanted to speak up, tell her I was his wife. Or I’d like to think he was going to, but I beat him to it. “I’m sorry, I was just going to go make a call… Pete, Will you join me?” I could see him nod from beside me. As if afraid to speak to me. Holly still looked I was the one who just broke up her ‘perfect’ relationship… oh wait. But she doesn’t know that I am. As I walk away I could still hear what she was saying to Jack. She was talking about how I needed to get a life and stop leaching off of everyone else for money.

“Gabe.” One name was all I had to say, and Pete knew why I needed to make a phone call. One name can sum up the reason I am how I am. One name can sum up what I was doing. Pete knew how Gabe and I’s Relationship ended. Horrid I might add. If it wasn’t one thing it was another. I still remember the day I broke it off with him. As if me denying him to my hand wed wasn’t enough I had to step all over his ego in the process. I not only put a crack in his heart, I broke it completely that day. I broke it with three simple words. I broke it was the line that everyone uses. I broke with everything but how I really felt. I broke it off because of how I see myself. I broke it off, not because I didn’t love him but because I didn’t want to wed. To anyone, at anytime. I did not want to marry, and I still do not like the idea that I am married. How am I suppose to tell the man, the only man I ever even considered marrying, that I am married to one of his friends. Should I do it over the phone, like the bitch I am? Or Should I do it in person, with Jack by my side?

“Pete, What do I tell him? I’m sorry I didn’t marry you.. But I’m married to someone else now. You know him. His name is Jack. Jack Barakat. I’m sorry I didn’t take up your offer to marry you in Vegas.” I was freaking now. Meeting my maker so to say. I never thought I would have to do this. Not now, not ever. How did Jack do this just then? With me in the room? How will she take the news when she finds out I am the one he’s married to.

“Do you want me to call him from my phone, or yours” I could hear the hesitation in his voice. He didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to do this. I know how it’ll go. He’ll go crazy, he won’t be able to handle it. I’ll have to fly to New York and see him in person. I know how this will end.

“Please.. I doubt he’ll answer if I called him. We’re still not on the best of terms.” I knew this would make things worst. I knew I would never be able to go up to him again. I knew his whole band would hate me more then they already do. I knew that nothing will be the same, but he deserves to know. He deserves so much more then a simple phone call, but that’s all I can give him.
“Hey Gabe. Yeah it has been. I’ve been good. I called for a reason. No B’s fine. Actually, Alexis needs to talk to you.” there was a pause I knew he was protesting it. Saying things about how if I talked to him no good would come out of it. Which is true, but he didn’t know that, yet. “I wouldn’t personally call you unless I thought it was important for you two to talk. No, No I understand. Okay.” Starring at my feet, I was scared to look up. Scared to see Pete’s expression. Scared to see the rejection in his eyes.

“Alexis, he said he’ll talk, but he’s got a signing to be at in 15 minutes.” my head snapped up. Did he really think it is a good idea to tell Gabe right before a signing? Does he think he can handle hearing I’m married. Sighing, I shake my head back a forth. “Pete, If he has a signing it can --” “Don’t you even finish that sentence. Alex he needs to know, it’s now or never.” I was surprised. In the 2 years of working for Pete, he had never raised his voice. Except when it came to me telling Gabe 'No' and 'ruining my life'. I know he’s right though. It is now or never. I couldn’t chicken out now. He’s expecting me to talk. I can’t break his heart again. Without even lifting a finger. Reaching for the phone I grip it tightly, like it’ll fall out of my hand with one swift movement.
“Hello?” Not knowing what to say. This horrible idea. How to tell him. How to explain to him that no matter what I still love him, but I’m married. When I first heard his voice. Hoarse was all I could think of. How his voice sounded. It wasn’t the voice of the man I fell in love with. “I’m really sorry for having Pete call you.. But I wanted you to hear this from me, not from the news. Not from Twitter, or Tumblr or any other website. I--”

“Alexis” Hearing him say my name again, made it all real. Made him real. Made me feel like he’s beside me instead of half way across the world. “Just tell me, I have to finish getting ready.” Seeming inpatient. Like he doesn’t want to talk to me. He probably doesn’t. He probably wants to get back to his girlfriend. The girl that took my spot in his life.

“I just.. I’m married. I got married this weekend. I.. I got drunk and its just that a drunken mistake that I can’t take back for a year. I just.. Wanted to tell you myself. I wanted to tell you before you hear about it.” I could hear his breathing. It was heavy. Heavier then before

“What’s your last name now?” it was a simple question. A simple question that caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting him to ask for my last name. I was expecting questions about my husband not me. It was a simple question I should have been able to answer with a simple name.. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t answer with the name he wanted. “Barakat. I married Jack, from, ugh, All Time Low.”

There was a pause and shuffling from the other side of the phone. I had forgot that Pete was standing beside me until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was shaking and I hand’t noticed. I felt drops fall onto my chest. Reaching up, I noticed I was crying. Not just crying but full on sobbing.

“Alexis, are you okay?” I couldn’t answer Gabe. Not with the answer he wanted. I let go of the phone, for it to drop into Pete’s hand. I could hear Pete talking to him, telling him I was okay. Lying to him. I could hear someone walking towards Pete and I. I never looked at who had joined us. I felt like I was sick, like I was dyeing for all the things I’ve done to Gabe. My eyes felt much too heavy to keep open much longer. I was slowly falling a sleep, and it wasn’t even 11 yet. It was only 10 which meant the concert wasn’t close to being done. I knew it had to be one of the crew members telling Pete he was needed on stage. I knew it would be soon and I would be out like a light. I did the one thing I could think of. “Tell him, I’m sorry.” I pushed myself up from the ground I had perviously been sitting on, and walked into the venue.