Guts

A few Tuesdays later, and it was a bad day for Alex. A really bad day.

And the reason being, was that Jack was sick.

The older boy wished that was the only reason why things were bad. He wished things seemed bad purely because his best friend was ill. He wished he was just concerned, just wanted Jack to get better.

Alex really wished that was how it was, but in truth it wasn’t. Because Jack being sick meant he wasn’t going to college today and that, that was Alex’s schedule disrupted again. And he knew he was being selfish, and he hated himself for thinking the things he was thinking about Jack as he ate his breakfast alone.

Because most of his mind was absolutely cursing the younger boy for upsetting his schedule, a storm of hatred and resentment brewing up inside of him and those were things Alex never wanted to feel towards his best friend. But he couldn’t help it, and it had taken so, so much restraint not to just tell Jack to get over it, when he’d called this morning. It’d been so hard for Alex to not just break down and cry because he couldn’t stand that his routine was being trampled on so early in the week.

And it was selfish, it was so selfish and the tiny, tiny conscious part of Alex’s mind kept telling him that. His best friend was sick, and it infuriated the older boy so much that he couldn’t generate those feelings of sympathy and understanding that normal people had, that Jack always had for him.

It infuriated him that his only thoughts had been for himself, and not for the younger boy, and now that he could reflect on things it made Alex’s stomach hurt, to remember how bitterly he’d spoken to the younger boy, made him wince to remember putting the phone down on Jack mid-sentence.

He didn’t want to be selfish, especially not towards a person who put Alex before himself so infinitely. It wasn’t fair to Jack and the older boy just wished, more than anything that he could just be normal, at least when it came to his best friend.

Jack didn’t deserve any of what Alex shoved onto him, not one single bit of it and that was the little mantra that made the older boys shoulders shake, made the tears roll down his cheeks as he forced his nails into his skin in harsh jerky movements at the breakfast table.

He thought about how furious Jack would be with him, but it didn’t make him stop.

And he didn’t stop when he usually did this time either, because there was just so much falling apart inside of him that Alex couldn’t even pick apart the different feelings. This time, Alex went too far, sunk too deep and too often to punish himself because he deserved it.

And this time, the older boy only stopped when although it was the aim, the pain became unbearable. He only stopped when his arms were throbbing, bleeding and stinging under the pressure of his nails. He stopped when he couldn’t take it for a second longer, and the caramel haired boy sobbed quietly to himself as he drifted to the sink, to wash the blood away from his arms. He was in more pain than he’d intended to inflict, and the constant throb and harsh sting had the tears rolling down his cheeks thick and fast and he just felt so stupid, just so lonely and so out of control of himself and he needed help.

He needed Jack, and it killed the older boy that he wasn’t here because how was he supposed to make it through the day?

And the answer to that in the end, was to just keep his head down and try not to think about how this whole arrangement was so horribly off schedule. Alex tried not to think about the fact that he was walking to college alone, or the fact that he was going to have to face all of his classes without Jack. He tried not to think about spending lunch alone, tried not to think about the other kids that might try and talk to him.

Because that one in particular made Alex want to throw up. When he had Jack with him everybody else left him alone. The younger boy always handled all the interaction for him and Alex could stay in his own little bubble of ignorance. But what if someone seized the opportunity to get the older boy alone and tried to talk to him? Because the people were nice at this college, and Alex was pretty sure that some time during the day someone was going to see that Jack wasn’t with him, and approach him.

The episode in the park a few weeks ago had shown the older boy just how much he wasn’t ready for that, for interacting with people. He didn’t know how to. It was like his mind seized up and refused to help him give any sort of response. When people spoke to Alex, it was like his brain backed up into a hiding place and refused to come back out. And Jack had called him rude, that day in the park, and Alex knew that was how he came off but he didn’t mean to.

He wasn’t trying to be ignorant, or to come off as a jerk. He just didn’t know how to express himself to anyone but Jack. He even struggled with his own parents.

And so it was safe to say Alex’s stomach was filled with sheer dread as he slipped into homeroom, and even though it was the usual time he arrived the fact that Jack was absent kick started the itch under his skin, the one that reminded him this was all out of his routine. He had to breathe through his nose to stop from a huge meltdown as he slid into his seat in the back corner, sitting in the most curled up, small position possible to try and hide himself.

His tutor gave him a small smile from his desk at the top of the class, almost apologetic and Alex guessed he’d noticed Jack’s absence. The older boy couldn’t manage a smile in response, but at least it was a comfort that someone seemed to be able to deduce how bad this was for him. Because it was such an over-reaction to a normal person but Alex wasn’t normal. Jack was everything to him because he was the only one that could keep the older boy from going crazy. He was the only one who understood and willingly went along with Alex's ridiculous schedule, and he was the only one who the older boy could even remotely let his walls down around.

Jack was his other half, and having that ripped away from him even just for one day was too much to bear.

And that made that tiny little anger at the younger boy flare up again, and if Alex’s arms weren’t already blistering with heat and pain then maybe he’d slip to the restrooms, dig his nails into his skin again to punish himself for being selfish.

But the older boys arms were complete agony, and Alex was sure if he so much as touched them he’d scream.

And Jack was going to be so, so mad with him when he saw and with that thought whirling around his head the older boy scrambled for his notepad and pen, to scribble down his feelings before he started freaking out completely. Words likestupid and selfish angrily etched themselves into the paper, Alex re-working them over and over again in blind frustration at himself.

By lunchtime the older boys notebook was pretty much covered, from front page to back. Jack had only brought it for him six days previous and whilst Alex sighed at not having anywhere else to write, he was considerably calmer than he had been all morning. The itch was still under his skin but it’d dulled just slightly, as had the harsh stinging on his arms.

His phone was clutched in his palm as he ate his dinner at a table in the food court alone, miserably waiting for a vibration to come. Jack had promised he’d call on the phone this morning, but then again that’d been before Alex had gotten all huffy about the younger being sick, before he’d hung up on Jack mid-sentence.

And so yes, it was no surprise the younger boy hadn’t called. It didn’t stop it hurting Alex though. He just wanted to hear Jack’s voice, just to get him through these last few hours on his own. It was clear that wasn’t about to happen though, and the older boy knew he deserved it. He’d been horrible this morning.

He deserved that, but Alex couldn’t help wondering if he deserved the cruel look that had a familiar face walking over in his direction a moment later.

‘No’

He whispered it so quietly that his lips barely moved, but he could hear the distress loud and clear in his head.

It was Jake approaching, one of the guys Jack seemed to be getting fairly close to. He was tall, though not as tall as Jack, with tan skin and hair that was white blonde. He seemed nice, from what Alex had overheard in conversation, but that didn’t mean he wanted to talk to the boy. He didn’t know how to and his palms were sweating because Jack wasn’t here to talk for him, to take the attention off of him.

In honesty Alex considered just bolting for the door, but before he could even really begin to gather himself Jake was already standing at his table, gazing down at him.

And the older boy shrunk into his chair, wishing he could just melt away.

‘Um, hey’ Jake greeted, seemingly unsure ‘Where’s Jack?’

Alex swore he could feel his brain going into lockdown. He opened and closed his mouth hopelessly and his heart was hammering in his chest.

‘Is um, is he sick or something?’

It was a thread and Alex latched onto it, nodding furiously with heat in his cheeks.

Jake gave him a nervous smile, and he started to ring his hands together.

‘Okay, that’s too bad. Um.. listen. I know um, I know you’re not…comfortable, around people and..and well Jack says you beat yourself up about it a lot..’

He trailed off and Alex stayed silent, ears burning hotly.

Jake shrugged at him, toed the floor with his shoe. ‘I just want you to know I don’t think you’re ignorant. Nobody does. So, you don’t.. I mean, you don’t have to be upset with yourself, because I understand. Well, I think I do anyway..’

He trailed off with a nervous laugh and Alex was silent again, only this time it was because he was so dumbstruck. It was a miracle that he could manage the tiny nod his head gave, and the tiny whisper that left his mouth.

‘S-sorry’

Jake laughed, ‘What’d I just say?’

The blazing heat in Alex’s cheeks had him dropping his head to spare himself some more embarrassment. He couldn’t really believe the conversation they were having. Well, sort of conversation. He couldn’t believe he wasn’t crying or hyper-ventilating yet.

Jake scratched his head.

‘So um, I mean we don’t have to talk or anything but, can I at least keep you company while you eat your lunch? I don’t.. I hate seeing people eating alone…’

The older boy just kind’ve stared at Jake, trying to let his brain process the words. It didn’t really sink in so well, but he gave a dumb nod of the head in response as he watched the other boy slip into the chair opposite him.

---

Although Alex’s mood was mostly bleak when he got back home the same day, there was just a tiny spark in him that was happy, and okay, he hadn’t spoken another word to Jake whilst they’d eaten lunch together but, it honestly didn’t matter to the older boy.

He’d eaten lunch with someone that wasn’t Jack, sat a table with them for a fairly long period of time without freaking out too much. It was another one of those tiny little steps of progress, and all Alex wanted to do was call Jack and tell him what he’d done.

But it was when his hand was on the phone that he remembered this morning, and the way he’d acted.

The little bright spark was gone as quickly as it’d come.

Still, Alex allowed his fingers to push the speed dial, and he pressed the phone to his ear, mulling over sheepish apologies in his head.

Jack answered on the second ring, and he sounded just as disinterested and distant as the older boy deserved. He sighed.

‘H-hey Jack. Um, how’re you feeling?’

‘Do you care?’

Alex’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip and he whispered ‘Of course I do’

The younger boy laughed bitterly down the line, ‘So much so that you hung up on me this morning? I can’t believe you’re mad at me for being sick’

Closing his eyes with a groan, Alex sat himself down in one of the kitchen chairs with a sigh.

‘I-I’m sorry Jay’ He murmured quietly, ‘I know..I know I was horrible this morning but I just..college is hard enough for me when you’re there y’know? When you’re not…’

He trailed off, because he knew Jack could finish that sentence off on his own.

The older boy sighed again. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was mean and I’m sorry I hung up but it was only because I can’t.. I don’t really work very well, w-when I’m not with you..’

He felt his cheeks burn and he bit his bottom lip at the silence down the line.

After a few moments, Jack sniffed. ‘I didn’t want to leave you on your own y’know’ He mumbled, ‘I couldn’t help feeling like shit’.

Alex felt a stab in his chest, and he nodded to himself. ‘I-I know. Do you feel any better?’

‘A little’

‘Good’ The older boy murmured quietly, ‘I..I missed you’

‘You’re sure you didn’t just miss your routine?’

Ouch. That one kicked Alex in the gut in honesty, and he felt his eyes burning because he’d thought Jack was starting to come round. It became apparent he wasn’t and the older boy blinked back the wet in his eyes, lost for a response. His throat closed up a little and the line went silent.

It stayed that way for a few more minutes before the younger boy sighed.

‘Sorry’

Alex sniffed,shrugged., it was him in the wrong after all. ‘S’okay’

‘You know I missed you too’

The older boy smiled a tiny bit at that, pulled his sleeve over his left hand and winced as the fabric slid across the savaged skin on his arm.

‘I don’t suppose you want to come over here for a little while? M’lonely’

And Alex closed his eyes at that, wished Jack had never said anything because he was lonely too, he really was and more than anything right now he wanted to see his best friend. But today he’d already had his schedule interrupted more than he could bare. Right now he and Jack should have been eating dinner at Alex’s house, before going to do their homework.

The older boy couldn’t face leaving the house now, he’d messed things up enough for one day, and in honesty he couldn’t afford to freak out again. His arms were ruined, he didn’t have any more room to hurt himself when things went wrong.

And even though Alex didn’t say anything in those few moments, Jack heard him loud and clear.

‘Never mind’, He muttered, ‘See you tomorrow’

‘Jack-‘

‘Bye’

The dial tone sounded before Alex could get anything else out, and the older boy groaned at the unfairness of every single part of his life as he put the phone back on the receiver. If there was one thing he couldn’t stand even more than having his routine interrupted, it was Jack being upset with him.

And so that was why, when Alex’s mom arrived home an hour later, the older boy gave up on his homework and sighed at what he was about to ask.

‘M-Mom?’

‘Mmm?’

Alex looked at his mom’s back as she started cutting things up for dinner. He rung his hands together.

‘Would you drive me to Jack’s please?’

‘Now?’. His mom turned to regard him curiously, shock evident in her face. She may not have understood the ins and outs of Alex’s condition very well, but she knew well enough that he didn’t leave the house at night. He came home with Jack, and Jack left at six. There were never any exceptions, up until now.

Alex shrugged and looked at the floor. ‘He’s sick. I-I wanna see if he’s okay’

Mrs Gaskarth raised her eyebrows, but it was in a kind of surprised-pleased way. She wiped her hands off on a kitchen towel and nodded.

‘Okay love’, She grabbed her keys, ‘Just call me when you want to come home’

---

After Mrs Barakat let him through, Alex climbed the stairs to Jack’s room. He barely ever came to the younger boys house, and so he still found himself recognizing things in the house sometimes, little homey details.

It wasn’t the first time he’d noticed this particular thing, but Alex still had to smile at the photograph on the wall at the top of the stairs as he climbed them. It was one of himself and Jack a few years after they’d met, the younger boys arms thrown around Alex carelessly whilst the older boy grimaced.

Alex still laughed at it now, and he regarded it warmly for a few seconds before he heard music, faint in the direction of Jack’s room. The noise was enough to have the older boys stomach churning again, just a little, and he moved down the corridor and entered the room quietly to find Jack stretched out on his bed, hands drumming on his thighs as he mumbled along to the music.

His eyes were closed and it was only when Alex turned down the volume dial down just slightly that the younger boy noticed him, opened his eyes and the way Jack tried to hide a smile made Alex hopeful.

He was so tuned in to everything with the younger boy that he saw the little quirk of lips that Jack quickly tried to smooth out, when anybody else might’ve missed it. Maybe Alex was already half-way to being forgiven.

As great as that was it didn’t dull the discomfort the older boy felt, because whilst this was also upsetting his routine it was also a setting to him that wasn’t very familiar. He preferred Jack to be at his house, and being here set up a whole different itch under Alex’s skin. He did his best to ignore it though, offering Jack a shy smile from where he was stood.

‘Hi’

‘Hi’

There was a moment of silence where the two boys just stared at one another, and then Jack rolled his eyes and patted the space next to him.

‘You gonna sit down or what?’

There was still that look of disinterest on his face, but Alex did his best to ignore that and to ignore the mantra of you cant do this in his head as he tentatively perched himself on the edge of the bed. Listening to that voice of doubt in his head had never gotten Alex anywhere in his life so far. He was starting to realize that just a little bit more now, and so even though it was uncomfortable beyond belief to be sitting on a strange bed-even one that belonged to Jack- the older boy ignored the itch under his skin and just dealt with it.

Baby steps, as he liked to think.

And that, the mention of baby steps, sparked a memory in Alex and he couldn’t help but smile just a tiny bit, because he hated to say it, but he was a little bit proud of himself for today.

The younger boy noticed the little quirk of his lips and he cocked his head to one side from where he was stretched out, ‘What?’

Alex’s smile fell shy. ‘I um, I spoke to Jake today. H-he ate lunch with me’

It kind of surprised him, when he got no response to his news. He’d kind of expected more than that even though Jack was mad at him. Maybe just a smile or a glint in the younger boys eyes. When neither happened, the older boys moment of feeling proud of himself was well and truly gone.

‘Don’t get too excited’ He mumbled, tracing his fingers across Jack’s sheets before deciding to elaborate on his progress., ‘I didn’t..I didn’t really talk that much but, he asked if he could eat with me and..I said yes’

And it physically hurt Alex, the lack of response. Jack was always so proud of him when he accomplished something, no matter how small. And for him to not saying anything when the older boy had achieved something kind of big.. Alex felt the rejection swell inside of him and his throat got a little tighter.

‘Never mind then’ He whispered, and he moved to stand up but Jack grabbed the back of his sweat shirt and stopped him. They looked at each other for a long moment, and the younger boy drew his hand back to himself, eyes holding Alex’s.

‘M’proud of you’ He said softly, and it was definitely genuine, but it wasn’t the happy, gushing and excited Jack the older boy had expected, had wanted.

Alex shrugged in disappointment. ‘No big deal’

It really didn’t feel like it anymore either, not if Jack didn’t think so.

It was a few moments of painful silence before the younger boy spoke, sighing in agitation at the atmosphere between them that was hostile and unspoken and really unfamiliar.

‘I’m sorry’ He frowned, ‘For how I was on the phone earlier. I-I know I was kind of a jerk..’

Alex bit his lip because well, yeah. ‘I was just trying to apologize to you..’

‘I know’ Jack frowned, ‘I know, but, I just..sometimes.. sometimes I feel like it’s..like you’re more bothered about having me around for the sake of your routine, rather than you wanting me around. D-does that make sense?’

Alex looked at him for a moment apologetically, and Jack sighed.

‘Like, s-sometimes I feel like you just keep me around because I’ve been part of your routine for so long, rather than because you want me around. Like..I don’t..I’m not trying to upset you again Lex but, i-it hurt me, the way you were this morning. You weren’t upset about me being sick, you were just upset because I was messing up your schedule and I don’t.. I know you don’t mean to make me feel that way but, sometimes I just feel like I’m there because I’m familiar to you, a-and not for anything else’

He folded his legs whilst Alex tried to blink back the tears in his eyes. ‘And that just.. it sucks, because you’re my favorite person in the world y’know? You make me happy and I’m here because I want to be around you. S-sometimes it just feels like that might not be mutual, and that’s why I got so mad this morning..’

He trailed off into silence, and the older boy was just kind of dumbstruck, processing everything in his head and falling short on a response.

Jack thought Alex didn’t want him? Was that what he was saying?

The concept just seemed so stupid to the older boy, so ridiculous. If anything it was the other way around. Most, if not all of Alex’s own self-doubt came from the thoughts that Jack might not want him, might leave him one day. Wasn’t that the reason the older boys arms were so badly ravaged all time time?

And it was probably such a stupid thing to do, something that would hurt Jack, but he already had tears in his eyes and so did Alex and the ache in his chest at the thought that Jack didn’t know how much he meant to him was too much.

So much that Alex took a deep shaky breath and pulled his sweat-shirt over his head, leaving him in just a plain, white short-sleeved shirt. Jack regarded him in confusion, and all of the older boys limbs were shaking as he held his forearms out towards the younger boy. A tear slid down his cheek when he heard Jack sob.

They both just looked for a heart-wrenching moment, at everything Alex had done to himself. The older boy looked at the absolute mess he was, at the savaged skin and the scars that were never going to fade. He looked at the blistering red his skin was and his heart and a sob caught in his throat as he spoke.

‘T-this is what I do, when I upset you’ He whispered in anguish, heart splintering into pieces because he just needed Jack to know that he was everything to Alex. ‘T-this is what I do when even for one moment I think I might lose you, t-that you might get sick of me, or that you might hate me. I-I do this because I need you Jack, and because I hurt you, a-and I don’t..I don’t want to..’

He trailed off only because he knew his voice was going to break if he carried on, and his eyes were protesting fiercely as he tried to blink back the tears in them. His gut was twisting and wrenching in the pit of his stomach, and he didn’t know what to do with the hurt and the pain and the guilt in his stomach at Jack’s expression, at the way his cheeks were wet with tears. At that moment Alex just wanted to be done with it because he couldn’t live inside his own head anymore. He couldn’t and the sobs really started then, because he was so fucking stuck with what he was. He was a prison and he could never get out of it and it killed him inside.

It was just an over-whelming grief that was never lifted and Alex wanted to sleep and never wake up again, because he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t because in reality he could take all the ‘baby steps’ he wanted but in the end he would always get thrown back to square one. There was always going to be something to ruin his progress and one of those times, one of those times was just going to be too many for Jack, and he’ be gone and Alex would be alone and he couldn’t take that. He didn’t want to wait around for the best thing in his life to leave him. It hurt, far, far too much, each and every day.

‘I-I don’t know what to do with myself’ He sobbed brokenly, and he was wrapped up in such a moment of despair that he didn’t even have any room left in his mind to be scared or tense when he found himself crushed to Jack’s chest.

He didn’t have any room left but just to cling to what he was so sure he was going to lose.