M.I.A.

“Hey,” Carey said from behind me and I grinned and turned around.
“Hey,” I said happily, almost throwing myself into his arms. But I controlled myself. There was plenty of time for that when we were back at our house and out of the public eye. Sure, people in the airport didn’t know we were brothers. But still…better to be safe than sorry and arrested. I took Carey’s bag from him and slung it over my shoulder. He was still in his combat gear, as he hadn’t bothered to change on the flight. That was okay, though, he looked good in his uniform. “I’ve missed you,” I told him quietly and Carey smiled softly at me but he couldn’t reach out and take my hand like I knew he wanted to.
“I’ve missed you, too, Luca,” he said softly.
“Let’s go home,” I told him and he nodded.

As we walked, I started to struggle under the weight of his bag. Carey laughed lightly from beside me and then took his bag back. I smiled shyly at him and he just grinned back. We eventually got back to my beat up car and Carey threw his bag on the back seat. Our small house was about 45 minutes away, so we had the entire car journey to catch up and for Carey to tell me about everything that he’d experienced in Korea over the last year. I’d been going crazy being apart from him for so long. But being in the army was all he’d ever wanted, so my fear and anxiety was always pushed to the back of my mind. I just wanted Carey to be happy. And after a year apart, we were always allowed at least a year to be together again.

He’d first joined the army when he was 17, nearly 4 years ago. Our parents had signed all the consent forms, seeing as he was still under age, but they hadn’t really been all that keen on letting him join. But he’d wanted to do it, and nothing would have stopped him. Not even me.

**

“Don’t go,” I whispered desperately, tears already running down my cheeks. I’d known this day was coming for months, and yet I still wasn’t ready for it.
“I have to, Luca,” Carey said, gently removing my hands from where they were clenched in his shirt.
“But…but what if…” I whispered, gazing up at the boy that I’d been in love with for nearly 2 years.
“Nothing will happen, baby,” Carey whispered, stroking his forefinger down my cheek.
“You better come back,” I told him and he smiled and nodded.
“I will, I promise,” he said, quickly kissing me. We were in my bedroom with the door locked, but we weren’t going to take any chances with our parents only downstairs.
“I love you,” I whispered. “So much.”
“I love you, too, Luca,” he said softly before picking up the khaki bag and walking away from me. I sunk down onto my bed as I felt my heart practically being ripped out of my chest. Did he not realise how dangerous this was? Did he not realise that I wouldn’t be able to function without him?

**

I snapped out of my thoughts as I felt Carey’s hand wrap around mine. I looked over at him and smiled softly before turning my attention back to the road ahead of me. Carey and I had bought this house as soon as I turned 18. I chose against going to university and just got a small job in the mail room of an office. I didn’t care that it was a crappy job, so long as it meant I could be free whenever Carey was relieved of duty. Carey was a year older than me, although I often felt like the more mature one in our relationship. Sure, being in the army had matured him quite a lot, but it was when he was with me that he was able to relax, and relax he did. He just lost all of the sensibleness that he needed for his job, and had fun with me. “You’re here for a year, right?” I asked him when we were nearly at our house.
“Yep,” he smiled at me.

Once we’d closed the front door behind us and Carey had dumped his bag on the floor, he took me in his strong arms and kissed me passionately. “God,” he whispered against my lips as we pulled away to breathe. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too,” I whispered, pressing myself against him and knotting my fingers in his soft brown hair. “So, so much.” I quickly reattached our lips and started pushing him backwards, leading him into our bedroom. Of course, we had two bedrooms for propriety’s sake, but the other room was pretty much unused. Carey and I eagerly fell onto the bed, not letting go of one another and a second later, our clothes had evaporated away and it was just him and me.

**

A few months passed and Carey and I spent every second we could together. Obviously, I still had to work and Carey wanted to catch up with all his old school friends. But in the evenings and on the weekends, we had that time all to ourselves. “I called mum and dad yesterday,” Carey said as we were eating dinner and I turned to him, waiting for him to continue. “I invited them over tomorrow.” I just nodded, biting my lip slightly. I loved my parents, of course I did, but they obviously didn’t know about mine and Carey’s relationship. We both felt kind of guilty for keeping it from them, but we knew we couldn’t tell them the truth. If they ever found out…God knows what would happen.
“Okay,” I said softly. Carey reached out and placed his hand over mine.
“It’ll be fine, baby,” he said softly and I smiled and nodded. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, at that moment, to have him. He was everything to me; he was my best friend, my big brother, the most important person in the world.
“I love you,” I whispered, just feeling the need to tell him even though he already knew. Carey smiled gently.
“I love you, too,” he said softly, leaning over to kiss me tenderly. “I’m gonna set up the spare room to make it look like I’ve been sleeping in there, okay?” I smiled and nodded, picking up the now empty dinner plates and taking them over to the sink while Carey left the kitchen.

The following day, our parents came over. It was always nerve wracking whenever they did, even if we’d invited them over ourselves. We would always worry right up until they left that they would figure out what was going on between us. Sure, it wasn’t that unusual for us to be sharing a house. I mean, we were brothers after all, and Carey was hardly even here anyway, so it was more like my house that Carey stayed in whenever he was home.

Carey greeted our parents enthusiastically; more enthusiastic that I thought was necessary. He was still going to be here for several more months after all. “It’s good to see you, Carey,” mum said with a wide smile. She, understandably, was always thrilled when Carey came home. We went into the living room and Carey told mum and dad all about the things he’d see over the last year, repeating several of the stories he’d already told me. Rather than listen to the stories in which the boy I loved is in serious danger, I went into the kitchen to make tea for my mum and coffee for the rest of us.
“You okay, Luca?” dad asked coming into the kitchen behind me. I turned and smiled at him while nodding. “Good to have your brother back?”
“Yeah,” I smiled happily, pouring the boiled water into 4 mugs.
“Your mum always panics whenever he isn’t here,” he smiled and I nodded again.
“Yeah, me too,” I told him. “It’s always such a relief when he gets home.” Dad smiled and nodded, taking two of the mugs into the living room. I sighed and picked up mine and Carey’s coffees and followed my dad into the living room.

My parents stayed for about 5 hours, but then went back home in the early evening. “You want to go for a walk?” Carey asked me once our parents had gone. I looked at him confused, but then nodded anyway.
“Sure,” I smiled. Carey smiled and pecked my lips lightly before we pulled our shoes on and headed outside.

We took the usual route; through several streets and down a narrow, unused footpath until we reached a field. We’d always come here back before Carey enlisted. It was private and when we were there it was like no one else mattered. It was just us. “Come here,” Carey said, grasping my hand and pulling me closer to him. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist and leant my head against his shoulder.
“I always love it when they come over and never suspect anything,” I smiled. Carey smiled and nodded.
“Me, too,” he said softly, kissing me tenderly. Carey stopped and pulled me down to sit on the grass beside him before kissing me once again. The wind was blowing lightly around us and Carey smiled tenderly as he brushed my hair from my face. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered and I blushed and ducked my head.
“Thanks,” I mumbled before I scooted closer to him and then snuggled against his side as he fell back and lay on the grass. I sighed happily and lifted my head from resting on his chest to hover over him and place small butterfly kisses all over his face and neck. “I love you,” I mumbled in between kisses and Carey smiled in content.
“I love you, too,” he whispered. “And don’t you forget it.” I smiled and shook my head before continuing to kiss him.

After a long while, I settled on top of him with a sigh and we just lay there relaxing. “Luca,” Carey whispered, stroking his fingers through my hair. “I, um, I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?” I asked with a gentle smile. But then instead of answering, Carey pulled out a familiar yellow envelope from his pocket and I felt my breath stuck in my throat. “No…” I whispered, shaking my head and sitting up. “You…you said you had a year.”
“I know,” Carey said, sitting up next to me and taking my hand. I wanted to pull away because I just didn’t want him touching me just then, but I couldn’t. “I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes and shook my head.

Nearly five minutes passed in silence. He hadn’t been back for 6 months yet and he was already leaving again. “It’s an emergency, Luca,” Carey said. “We have to evacuate civilians in a warzone.” I closed my eyes as fear tugged at me heart, as it always did when he told me things like that. I hated that he was in so much danger. I nodded my head but didn’t trust myself to speak. “I’m leaving on Monday.”
“As in…2 days?” I whispered, tears lining my eyes.
“Yeah,” he whispered back and I sighed, looking away from Carey and out over the city landscape in front of me as I wrapped my arms around my knees, curling into a small ball. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, but I didn’t know what to do to make anything better. “Luca?” Carey whispered, scooting closer to me, but I didn’t really react. “Luca? Baby?” I turned to him, blinking. “I’m sorry, sweetie.” I just took a deep breath and nodded.
“I know,” I smiled, scooting closer to him and curling into his side. “You better come back,” I whispered, repeating the words I say every time he leaves.
“I promise,” Carey smiled, as always he did. I smiled weakly and sighed against his chest.
“You haven’t been here long enough,” I whispered quietly. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you. Not yet.”
“It’s not goodbye, baby,” Carey said, stroking my hair softly. “It never has been. I’m coming back.” I just nodded with a weak smile.
“In exactly a year from Monday, we’ll meet right here,” I told him and I smiled and nodded, kissing my cheek tenderly.
“I promise,” he said and I grinned before kissing him once again.

**

About two months later there was a knock on my door and I sighed as I got up from my seat. It was probably the Chinese delivery, it was a few minutes early but no way was I going to complain. I was in desperate need of comfort food. After grabbing some change on the way to the door ready to pay for my dinner, I opened the door, only to freeze when I saw two men standing in my doorway. “Mr Luca Fields?” the man on the left said. Both men were dressed in military uniform and the one on the left was holding an envelope.
“Yes,” I whispered, my heart suddenly racing with fear.
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the man continued. He continued to talk, but the words hardly reached my brain. My ears felt like they were full of cotton wool and my throat had suddenly dried completely. “…and your brother has been reported missing in action,” the man finished, those words finally breaking through the haze in my head.
“He’s missing?” I whispered and the man nodded. “So…he’s still alive?”
“We can't make that assumption, unfortunately,” the man said. I looked down at the floor as I leant against the wall.
“I’m sorry, son,” the man on the right said, speaking up for the first time. “Your brother was a good man.” I just nodded as I closed my eyes, trying to fight back my tears.
“This is your formal letter,” the first man said. “We would usually give it to Carey’s parents or spouse. But he had this address listed, and you as his main contact.” I smiled weakly and took a deep breath as he passed me the letter.
“Thank you,” I whispered, just wanting them to leave now so that I could be on my own.
“If you need anything, don’t hesitate to contact,” the first man said and I smiled again before closing the door. I clutched the letter tight as I walked through to our bedroom and fell onto the bed. Carey’s scent no longer lingered on his side of the bed, so I just curled up into a ball as my despair built up and overflowed inside of me.

Carey was gone. He was missing. I briefly skimmed over the letter, which just stated much more formally what had happened. Carey had gone missing in Iraq. God knows what actually happened to him or where he is.

Twenty minutes later, my Chinese food arrived, but I was no longer in the mood to eat. So I just paid the delivery guy, who looked stunned by my tear stained face, and closed the door on him. I shoved the food in the fridge, turned all the lights on the house off, and then went to bed. I knew I’d have to tell everyone. I’d have to tell my parents, and all of Carey’s friends. I just couldn’t do it. How was I supposed to break the news to my family that my big brother, the most amazing guy in the world to me, was missing? For all we knew, he might have…died. I shook myself. I wasn’t going to think like that. Carey had to be okay. He had to be.

I fell asleep, eventually, with tears still running down my cheeks.

**

Time seemed to pass without me even realising it. I had to tell my parents, but then I didn’t tell anyone else. I just couldn’t do it dozens of time. Whenever I wasn’t working, I went to the field that Carey and I had spent so much of our time. It was so hard being there on my own and knowing that Carey wasn’t even coming back this time. I didn’t want to accept that he was gone, a part of me was still convinced that he was alive. But when I’d tried to tell my parents that I had a feeling that Carey was still alive, they wouldn’t hear it. I couldn’t decide whether the feeling I had was a comfort or not. It was hard to be happy knowing that he was alive and could be in the middle of nowhere, in trouble and possibly hurt. It was the uncertainty that I hated.

I tried to carry on with my life like normal. I went to work and then went home. My life felt emptier than it used to be, but there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to adapt and move on. Which was easier said than done, but I had to try.

The next 9 months or so, passed slowly. I couldn’t believe a year hadn’t even passed since I’d got the news. It felt like 10 years had passed. And I didn’t even have anyone to talk to about it, because Carey was my brother and no one knew about our relationship, for obvious reasons. So I was all alone having to deal with this. And it was just so hard.

Exactly 12 months after I last saw Carey, I went back to the field. He’d promised that he’d come back and meet me there. So if he was alive, I knew he’d be come, just like he’d said. I got to the field about midday and felt my breath catch in my throat. He wasn’t there. Instead of just turning and going back home, I went and sat down to wait. I would stay here all day waiting for him. Because I just knew he wasn’t dead. And he’d said he’d be here.

I sat down crossed legged and hugged my knees to my chest. It wasn’t very warm, but I wasn’t going to go home until the sun set. If he didn’t show up, then maybe I’d finally be able to move on with my life. Maybe it would actually prove to me that he wasn’t coming back.

Tears had long since started falling by the time the sun set. Despite what everyone had been telling me all year, I’d actually let myself believe that Carey was still alive and that he would come to the field just like he’d promised. But he hadn’t. I let my head fall so it rested on my knees as sobs wracked my body. I’d never really cried over Carey’s disappearance, not properly anyway, because I’d really thought he was still alive. But…maybe he wasn’t. Maybe I was just in denial.

The field was pitch black by the time I finally stood and started home. I didn’t really want to go home, back to the place where I’d lived with Carey. But I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It took me double the time to get home because I had no enthusiasm to return to my empty house. My tears caused me to swipe at my eyes every few minutes as my vision blurred. When I finally reached my street, I paused when I saw an unfamiliar car parked in front of my house, but I just shrugged it off. There was very little parking space on my road, so the fact that there was a strange car outside wasn’t really all that unusual.

I sighed and walked unlocked the front door and let myself inside. i flicked the lights on and froze mid-step at what I saw in front of me. “Oh, my God,” I whispered, not believing my eyes.
“Hey, Luca,” Carey whispered, snapping me out of my trance. I blinked and then caught my breath as tears gathered again in my eyes. I looked down at Carey, who was sitting in a wheelchair, with a soft smile.
“Carey,” I whispered, still just staring at him.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get to the field,” he said quietly, looking down at his legs. I frowned softly.
“What…What happened?” I whispered, still just gazing at him, but he bit his lip instead of answering.
“Your brother was found a month ago,” a voice said from the other side of the room. I turned towards a man that I had vaguely seen as I’d entered the room and instantly dismissed when my eyes had landed on my brother. “He was found in a small village in Iraq. They were looking after him as well as they could, but he’d been shot and they could only do so much.”
“You were shot?” I whispered, taking a few steps closer to Carey, who just nodded. Tears gathered in my eyes and I reached forward and laid my hand on his shoulder. My heart wept for him. I looked back at the man to see if he had anything else to say.
“He’s paralysed,” the man said and my face fell.
“Paralysed?” I whispered and the man nodded sadly. I looked down at Carey who had tears running down his cheeks. I didn’t really know what to do to make this better.
“Well, I’ll let you two talk,” the man said, heading towards the front door. “Call if you need anything or have any questions.” I just nodded and then the man left.

I turned back to my brother as tears pricked in my eyes once again. “Carey,” I whispered, crouching down in front of him. “I…I’m so sorry this happened.” Carey just closed his eyes and shook his head. “Do…Do your legs hurt?” I asked hesitantly. He shook his head again and I got up and sat carefully on his lap and then wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” I whispered in his ear, my tears finally falling down my cheeks. “Everyone was convinced you were…dead. But I just knew you weren’t.” Carey raised his arms and wrapped them around me tightly. I gripped him tightly and never wanted to let go. “I missed you so much, baby. You have no idea how thankful I am that you’re safe.” I pulled back and pressed kisses to his forehead and cheeks. Carey’s unresponsiveness concerned me and I pulled back to look down at him. “What’s wrong?” I whispered, standing up off his lap. I hated that he wasn’t happy to be home with me.
“What’s wrong?” Carey snapped and I blinked in surprise. “I’m paralysed Luca. I can’t walk. Ever again. So sue me if that’s upset me.”
“I…” I stammered, but I didn’t know what to say. I was just so happy he was alive, but Carey was so distraught about his situation. “I-I’m sorry. I…” Carey just sighed and turned away and left the room. My breath was sucked out of me and I lowered my head. Carey was obviously depressed about this and I didn’t know how to help him.

**

A month passed and Carey was still just as withdrawn as he had been when he first got home. I had hoped that he would get better after being home and seeing his friends and family. But it didn’t help. Carey was worrying me; I just didn’t know how to make it better. The fact that he was home and alive made me so unbelievably happy. I walked into the living room to find Carey and found him watching television. “Hey,” I whispered cautiously, sitting on the sofa beside him. Carey just nodded in response. “Carey, can I talk you a second?” He turned towards me, clearly waiting for me to continue. I bit my lip and stood up and straddled his lap and looked down into his eyes. “I…I know that this is unbelievably hard for you, I do. But, you have no idea how happy I am just that you’re alive. For a whole year people were trying to tell me you were dead, even the military were trying to tell me to give up. But I didn’t. And even though you’re injured and upset, I’m just…so happy that you’re safe.” Carey gazed at me and then smiled weakly. “I know you like being the strong, manly one in this relationship, but I’m going to look after you now,” I told him. “I promise.”
“I love you, too,” he whispered and I grinned as I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his lips for the first time since he’d got back. Carey smiled at me and pecked my lips once more.
“I was looking at bungalows online and I think we could find some really nice places,” I told him and he smiled softly.
“Really? You’d really move for me?” he asked and I nodded.
“I’d do anything for you,” I told him, stroking his cheek softly. “And I was thinking that maybe we could move away. So then we could be together properly and no one would know.” Carey looked up at me and nodded with a gentle smile.
“That sounds perfect, baby,” he said quietly, wrapping his arms around me properly. “But what about mum and dad?”
“We’ll come and visit and everything,” I shrugged. “They won’t mind. They’ll just want to make sure you’re happy.”
“I’m happiest when I’m with you,” he whispered to me and I smiled as I settled against him in content as I traced circles over his chest.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” I whispered to him. “You kept your promise. You came back.” Carey smiled and shrugged.
“Of course I did,” he smiled and I smiled back and kissed him once more. “I would never leave you.”