Traded Mistakes

I can’t really believe I’m at this funeral; it was never my wish to see that body lying there, lifeless, on a coffin over-decorated to be underground. I see my love, Ryan, crying his soul out as he looks over at that cold body, asking himself why that would happen to him; he had always been a good boy, and he surely didn’t want for that person to be dead.

I walk to him, my black suit rubbing against other person’s clothes, but I couldn’t care less for that; my baby boy was torn apart. As soon as I get to him, I grace the beautiful skin of his face with the side of my hands, even though he doesn’t seem to notice me there; I guess he’s too broken to notice that… Who am I fooling? I know that’s not the reason he doesn’t notice me; I know that he could never do it.

I look over at the tombstone that they’re now placing behind the hole for the coffin, unable to fight my own tears as I see the name that’s written on it; Brendon Urie.

I never thought I’d be able to attend my own funeral.

-x-x-

One month has gone by since I died; I still remember everything like it was yesterday, but I know that that’s not true. It wasn’t yesterday that I was driving to my boyfriend’s house at a high speed, excited to see him once more; it wasn’t yesterday that that truck came on the wrong side of the road; it wasn’t yesterday that we crashed, and I ended up dead. No; it was a month ago.

You wonder why I’m still waltzing around on Earth, stranger? You wonder why I haven’t made it to Heaven? You even wonder why I didn’t ‘enter the light’ yet, don’t you?

Well, first off, there’s no such thing as a ‘light’ that will take us to Heaven by some kind of kinky magic; one angel had been sent my way as soon as I died to explain me that. The truth is, we hand around on Earth, always awake, until we make up for all our mistakes, even if they only happen after our death; after that, we fall asleep, for the last time on this Earth, and we’re sent to Heaven, where we live happily ever after. While we’re still on Earth, we’re given big wings so we can travel around, correcting what we had done wrong; those wings are as black as the night, and they never seize to work, no matter how much we use them.

Oh, one thing I forgot to tell you about the angel that came to me to let me know all about the afterlife, when I died, was that he told me what mistakes I should make up for, when he came back, one week after I died; apparently, the only mistake I had ‘made’ was letting Ryan die a little more inside since my death. Since then, I’ve been following my lover around making sure he didn’t do anything stupid. I could see that he was still grieving my death, but he was acting as if he was just fine.

Placing a smile at the perfecting event, laughing bitter-sweetly when anyone tells a joke, not mentioning my name… These are the ways Ryan uses to pretend he’s over what happened; I can see through that façade, though. I can see his soul shining from all the pain he still feels, and I can see the darkness of his fears as he looks over at old photographs of us, together; he’s still lost and hurt, but no one notices. He had always been a good actor; I was the only person he wasn’t capable of fooling.

One thing no one knows, too, is that he visits my grave every day, after work; he sits there and talks to my decomposing body, unaware that I can hear him perfectly anywhere else, and he also puts a red tulip on the top of my grave, taking the one he left the day before away. Even though it might seem girlish, red tulips had always been my favorite flower, ever; Ryan knew that better than anyone else.

He’s here, again; the cemetery is empty, except for the two of us. He’s sat beside my tombstone, tears already falling from his eyes as he reads, once again, my name on there, making it more real that I’m dead.

“Hi, baby” he says, closing his eyes as he mumbles a little bit of a song I used to sing to him; I wrote that song when we first started dating, and I’d sing it to him every single time we’d spend a night together, until he fell asleep. “I miss you” he stated, after he had finished singing that little bit of the song; my eyes watered as he said that, my unbeating heart crashing against my ribs, as it was destroyed by all the pain that that simple sentence made me feel. “I miss you more than I thought I would; this feeling I have inside of me is bigger than anything I have ever felt before.” Ouch! I thought our love was bigger and stronger than that… “Well, except for the love I still feel for you; that will always be the biggest thing my heart is able to support… But, don’t worry, I won’t miss you any longer, Brendon” he continued, my name sounding sweet and lovely out of his lips, revolving in the air around him and involving him in memories of us. “Today is the day, baby; today, I’ll end this pain and all this sorrow.”

Just like that, he gets up and leaves, as I feel as if an alarm had been put on my chest, and now is ringing; this alarm, though, isn’t telling me to wake up, but, instead of that, is warning me that Ryan is about to do something very stupid.

I quickly start batting my wings, getting up in the sky as I fly, and then tracking Ryan in a bridge nearby; the bridge where I had kissed him for the first time. He is facing the road that passes under it, watching only a few cars go by; he has a rope next tom, as to which he looks almost in a mocking style.

“I won’t need you, tonight” he says to it as I land next to him, figuring out his little plan that will have such an impact around us; he’s going to kill himself.

Even though I am dead, I gasp for air as I try to hold him back, my arms passing through his body, never stopping him from moving a little bit closer to the edge; I start to panic as he gets closer and closer… I gotta save him, but how?

Finally, one idea hits my head, and I rapidly search my head for the proper words to come out, silently praying that he’ll hear me for once.

“Don’t let me save you” I start, my confusion and fears taking over me on that first sentence of the song I was just composing and singing to him, hoping he can hear me if I sing, just like he always loved to hear me. “Hold this rope, and I’ll pull you in… ‘Cause I am an anchor, save her, feel it sinking in! Let me save you, hold this rope… I am an anchor, sinking her…” I continue; then, I feel him take a deep breath, which makes me think my plan is working. “ ‘Cause I may never sleep tonight as long as you’re still burning bright…” I keep singing, understanding that I was wrong; when he took that breath, just moments ago, he was preparing himself for that jump that would end his life.

Right now, he’s free falling onto the dusty road underneath our bridge, as I scream for him in vain; he lands, crashing the world as he does so, and I instantly fly to him, crying and starting to sing again, still hoping that the song will save him. He can’t die; not right now. He’s still too young…

“If I could trade mistakes for sheep, count me away before you sleep! I’ll stay awake till I trade my mistakes so they fade away!” I complete, watching his blood laughing at me, claiming that he’s already dead as I drown myself in it; I hope I can die again.

The second that last thought clouds my head, I feel numb and sleepy, and, before I know, I’m asleep on top of his body, just like before, when we were both alive; I feel so light, just like I felt every time we were together, and I let my soul float around to an unknown destination, hoping this is the last time I die.

I wake up again on top of someone, and look at the face that is blowing short warm breaths onto my cheek, which makes my eyes widen; Ryan is awake, underneath me, a big smile plastered on his face as he shifts closer to me, quickly pecking my lips. I look around, taking in my surroundings; I don’t recognize this room, which is very weird, since I don’t remember going to a hotel with Ryan. All I can remember is a dream where I died, and then Ryan killed himself so he could meet me again and then… oh!

“Where are we?” I ask, finally, wanting to hear his voice again, and trying to confirm my suspects.

“In Heaven, my love” he replies, hugging me tightly and sweetly. “Welcome to our ‘happily ever after’.”