Run Away

He sat in the back lounge of the bus staring at his feet. 
"I need to talk to him. Should I go talk to him?" he heard Garrett whisper to Kennedy in the front of the bus.
"Leave him alone Gare. He's terrified. You can see it every single time you look at him." Kennedy responded. 
What did they know about how he felt? They had no idea. 
He was dredding getting on that stage tonight. He didn't want to sing the same list of songs again. Songs he had written about her and sung to her when she couldn't sleep. Songs that were more than songs. They were his life. They were all that was left of her. He didn't want to see the hundreds of faces singing along to words they would never understand. He leaned back and pulled out his iPod again. Music was the only think he had now. He turned on Sigor Ros and closed his eyes. Her face flashed behind his eyes. She whispered softly, "Don't give up on me." 
His eyes shot open. He wanted this sick pit in his stomach to go away.
"John, soundcheck." Jared inturrupted his thoughts. He jumped up and walked through the bus. Every step felt like a death march.
 
He pushed through soundcheck somehow and crept back to the bus while his band talked to fans. He laid down on the couch and drifted off into his head. Into his memories. 
~
They sat on the huge dark blue couch watching The Breakfast Club. He chomped on popcorn while she rested under his free arm. Her soft hair tickled his neck. It was Christmas Eve 2008 and the only other light in the room besides the TV was from the Christmas tree. 
"Can I open one gift tonight?" she said softly, making him jump a little.
"You're so cute." he laughed.
"I'll let you open one." she kissed his neck. She knew how much he loved it when her soft lips hit his neck. He set the popcorn down on the couch and faced her. He pulled her face up and kissed her. 
"You taste like popcorn." she giggled as she pulled away. 
"You can open ONE gift tonight." he pulled her up. She started to unbutton his shirt, grinning. 
"I have a feeling this is going to be a good Christmas." she purred, kissing his neck again.
~
He shot up, sweating. His heart was beating fast. As he took in his surroundings his heart sank and he laid back down. He wished he could live in their memories forever. 
His friends loudly entered the bus. 
"The fans are so nice out there John." Pat smiled.
"Cool." he had no emotion in his voice. 
"John she wouldn't want you to be this way." Jared said. 
The rage built quickly and engulfed him. "What the fuck do you know Jared? Are you in my head?" he snapped, standing up. He specifically told them all not to say anything like this when it all happened a week ago.
"HEY! She was our best friend too. Not just your girlfriend John. We cared so much about her. Don't think you're the only one whose hurting." Garrett yelled.
"None of you have any idea." he wanted to cry. He sat back down and put his head in his hands. 
"John.." Kennedy sat down next to him.
John was fighting back the stinging tears in his eyes. No one said anything. 
"I'm fine." John got up and walked off the bus. He looked around and noticed security had let all the fans in.
It was much easier for his friends to think he didn't care. That everything was okay. He wanted to avoid outside confrontation to the situation. He liked it in his head. He liked keeping her locked up in there with him. 
What pissed John off the most was that he couldn't do anything. It was what it was. He stood against the bus, silent.
"We go on in an hour and a half. Get your shit together before that." Jared yelled through the window at him. 
John stormed off. He walked down the road for five minutes before a liquor store caught his eyes. He walked in and purchased a bottle of vodka. He went behind the store and took a huge gulp. It stung his throat. He didn't care. He wanted to get drunk. It helped him fake his way through shows. He sat there for 30 minutes, taking swigs and pacing himself so he wouldn't get sick. He was a pro at this. He felt his mustles loosen up as he sat there for another 20 minutes, finishing the bottle. He threw it in the dumpster and walked back to the bus. He could hear the opening band, his good friend Austin Gibbs start playing as he entered the bus. 
He plopped down on the couch again.
"You smell like alcohol." Pat wrinkled his nose.
"What else is new." Jared rolled his eyes and continued reading his book.
"Get the stick out of your ass Jared." John mumbled.
"Get the stick out of MY ass?" Jared stood up. John took pleasure in Jared being visibly pissed.
"Guys knock it off." Kennedy snapped.
"No, let him go. I've wound him up now he wants to dance." John laughed a booze induced cackle.
"You're such a dick." Jared sat back down.
John watched his best friend give up on him for the night. He knew tomorrow Jared would try to make him feel better again. Jared had good intentions, but John didn't want anyones help. If he kept telling them he was fine, maybe they'd leave him alone.
"We're here when you're ready to talk." Pat put his hand on his shoulder.
John got up, shaking Pat's hand off of him, and walked inside the venue. He lost himself in the second band on tour with them, Augustana.

45 minutes later they were on.
"HOW ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS TONIGHT?!" John screamed as he got on stage. He was wasted, and he didn't care. He didn't care at all. These fans didn't know his life. He made his way through the set, stumbling over his words and fucking with the crowd. Only three more days and he'd be home anyways.