One Kiss Too Many

It was morning, and the sunlight was peeking through the blinds. Slivers of light lay across the crisp white comforter, turning it a golden yellow color. I was on my back underneath the sheets, watching the ceiling. I had woken up at least an hour ago, but the man beside me had only been conscious for a few minutes. We did not touch, did not speak. We only lay there, staring at the ceiling.

I let out a sigh and turned my body to face his. I watched the side of his face, tracing the outline of his profile with my eyes. His eyes were closed, but I knew he could sense me watching him.

"Nick," I whispered to get his attention.

When he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me, I smiled. He smiled at me for a moment, and then his face dropped into a serious expression.

He turned to look at the ceiling again and said, "I think you should go."

For three years, I had been in love with Nick Santino, and for two of those three years, he had used me. It wasn't hard to fall for Nick; it was quite easy, actually. We had been friends for a long time, but when he started going on tour, I realized that my feelings for him were more than platonic. I would miss him so much while he was on tour, and from what he told me in the early days of the band, he missed me too. The thing was, we never ended up in a relationship. Nick never expressed how he felt to anyone, so I never knew what was going on in his head. He knew how I felt about him, though. I had told him on multiple, embarrassing occasions.

At first, the sleeping together wasn't intentional. It was only when we both had an immense amount of alcohol in our systems that we would ever sleep together, but it soon became a regular occurrence. He would show up at my door, ask me to go somewhere with him, but somehow we never got there.

I pushed the covers off me, exposing my naked skin to the cold air. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, so my toes could touch the floor. I bent over to grab the underwear Nick had slipped off the night before and pulled them on. The moment I stood from the bed, I heard him push himself up in bed. When I crossed the room to grab my shirt, I could see him leaning against the headboard. Once my top-half was covered, I turned to face him.

He wasn't smiling, only looking at me with dark eyes. I crossed the room again and stood on my side of the bed, so close that my bare thighs touched the mattress. Nick was still looking at the spot I stood before. I let out sigh and Nick closed his eyes the way people do when they're frustrated. When I bent over to kiss his jaw, he let out a breath through his nose.

With Nick, it was always one kiss too many, one sigh too loud. Any display of affection after we made love was impertinent, because he didn't really see it as 'making love'. In his eyes, we were not quite friends and not quite friends with benefits. He was adamant about the 'friends with benefits' terminology and the idea that it didn't apply to us. I think he did care for me on some level, but not way I wanted him to.

"I think you should go, Vi," He said again.

I stood up straight and collected the rest of my clothes, dressing quickly and quietly. Nick watched me the whole time, but I avoided his eyes. Once I was dressed, I sat down on the edge of the bed to pull my boots on. I felt the rustle of sheets as Nick grabbed his boxers from the bedside table. As I zipped up my first boot, Nick stood and pulled the boxers on. As I zipped the second, he sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry I do this to you," He said.

My head was still down, but I could see him twiddling his thumbs from the corner of my eye. I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

"Yeah. I bet you're really sorry."

"You know, you don't seem to put up much of a fight. If it means that much to you, why don't you just say no."

My head shot up and I glared at Nick with all the ferocity I could muster. He averted my gaze.

"You think it's so easy," I accused. "You wouldn't know what it's like to say no to the person you love."

"God, Vi," he said, standing from the bed and running his hand through his hair.

"What? What is it!?"

"You don't understand," He said just under his breath. "You just don't understand."

"Then explain it to me, Nick."

I watched as he paced back and forth in front of me. I had no idea why he was suddenly willing to speak to me the morning after. I was genuinely curious as to why he would say sorry, and because I loved him so much, I would make myself sit on that bed until he explained it to me.

"It's nothing. Nevermind. I think you should go."

"You think I should go? You think I should go? Damn, Nicholas, you really think that you can start something like that and then just tell me to go? Tell me what it is that I'm not understanding!"

"You think I don't know! You think I don't know what it's like to say no to the person I love, but I do. I might not say it out loud, but every time I avoid talking about a relationship with you, I'm saying no. I say no to being more than we are because I love you, because I don't want to put you through what I have put all my other girlfriends through, because I don't want you to miss me when I go on tour, because I don't want you to hurt when I can't give you all of myself."

My mind was spinning. Nick was standing in front of me, breathing heavily. I could only look at him in wonder. All this time and he had been in love with me too.

"Say something, Violet, please. I feel like a total ass right now."

Slowly, I stood from the bed and Nick watched me curiously. My motions were slow and fluid as I snaked my arms over his shoulders and around his neck. It took a moment, but Nick wrapped his arms around my middle and nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. I don't know how long we stayed like that, holding each other so tightly it felt as though we wouldn't ever let go, but, eventually, I pulled away so I could speak.

"Nick, if you think that what we were doing before was making it easier for me when you're gone, then you're wrong. I love you and I'm going to miss you no matter what, but that doesn't mean that you need to distance yourself emotionally from me. Okay?"
Nick nodded and pushed a strand of knotted hair behind my ear. My left hand was still wrapped around his neck, and his right hand was resting on my hip. His eyes were searching my face, and mine were watching him closely.

"Okay, so. Where are we going from here?" He asked.

"I, um, think I'm going to go home. We'll both think about what's been said, and what we want to do. I'll- I'll call you tonight, and we can talk."

"Right. Okay, sounds good."

Nick nodded again, and we untangled ourselves from each other. I gave Nick a reassuring smile, a single peck on the cheek and then grabbed my purse off Nick's dresser. He followed me to the front door, and gave me one final kiss as I slipped out the door.

I didn't know what was so different that morning. I had no idea why it was that particular morning when Nick and I decided to be more than what we had been. It had started out like any other. Nothing had changed. Maybe it was just the time- the immense amount of time we had spent lying to ourselves and to each other. We had been pretending not to care for too long. Nothing can stay the same forever, and in this case I'm glad it didn't. I think that Nick had always wanted to tell me about his feelings. Looking back, I could see all the signs, and yet I don't think I would have changed things. The way Nick and I happened was nothing normal, but it was how we happened, and it would wrong to change anything about it.