These Butterflies

I see tears beginning to form in her eyes.

She looks away and I’m expecting her to somehow try and defend herself, but after a few moments of tension and silence, she walks out, leaving me all alone in the cabin. I realize that I was so nervous of her reaction that I was holding my breath and I let out a big gasp of air when I’m sure she’s gone.

I don’t know where she’s going, but I’m not sure it matters. I sit up and rub my temples tightly with my hands. It’s not her fault he fell in love with her. But it’s all I want in the world, for him to love me like that. I envy her with every fiber in me, but I know she doesn’t deserve any of this from me. She never did anything wrong. She doesn’t know I’m in love with the same boy she is. He doesn’t even know. My parents don’t know. And I’m doing the most selfish thing possible by taking it out on all of them.

Alex and Melissa are perfect for each other. They’d do anything for each other. They’re each other’s worlds. I’m just getting in the way.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” I look up quickly to see my brother storming in. Before I can defend myself, before I can apologize, he continues. “Melissa came to me in tears! Do you hate me? Are you just trying to screw me over now?” he screams. His eyes are glossy with tears and my vision begins to blur from my own. I shake my head feebly as a response. “Do you think less of me because of what happened with Kate? Do you just want to make things harder for me?”

“No!” I reply earnestly with a desperate tone.

“Everything is falling apart and you’re just making it worse! I don’t know what to say to make things better… I don’t know what to do anymore.” He flops onto the mattress across from me and pulls his hair.

“I’m sorry.” Those are the only words that come to mind. I just don’t want him to be upset anymore.

“Last night was such a mistake,” he says quietly.

“Why don’t you just tell Melissa the truth?”

“I can’t… I’m so afraid.”

“If you’re honest, she might understand.”

“I said no!”

“Why?” He doesn’t respond, which leads me to believe… “Are you still in love with Kate?”

“What? Why would you even say that? That’s absurd!”

“Is it? You said so yourself that if it wasn’t for me, you would have had sex with her! You still have feelings for Kate but you won’t admit it!”

“Enough! You don’t know what’s going through my head! I’ll go crazy if I lose Melissa!”

“If she means so much to you, then why did you almost sleep with Kate?” I pry.

“You don’t understand!” he shouts. He sounds frustrated, but in his eyes, I see pain not anger. “Kate broke my heart. You have no idea what that’s like. You don’t know how it feels to give everything you can to one person and then have them leave because they want someone else! When she came back, it’s like all of those old feelings came rushing back too. I couldn’t help myself, but I’m not in love with her. I love Melissa now.”

Love. I hate the way he says that word when he talks about her. I hate that he doesn’t know what it does to me. “You don’t know that…”

His forehead creases. “Don’t know what?”

“That I’ve never been in love. That I’ve never had my heart broken.”

He examines me for a few moments. “Have you had your heart broken?” I don’t say anything, but the answer is clear to him. “Who? Tell me,” he demands.

“I can’t.”

He gets up and approaches me. “Lani, tell me who hurt you.”

I shouldn’t have said anything. When he’s only a few inches from my bed, I stand too. I put my hands on his chest and push him back softly. “It’s nothing. Just forget it.”

I want to get away but he places his left hand on my waist, trapping me there. “Please don’t keep anything from me.”

He pushes himself towards me and his face is so close to mine, I almost can’t breathe. I start to get lost in those dark chocolate eyes and I feel like I’m going to explode… And then I do. I finally explode. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too Lani.”

“No. You don’t understand,” I say.

He furrows his eye brows in confusion and to help him finally understand, I put my hands on his shoulders to pull myself up and press my lips to his. I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and I think I might be trembling. He doesn’t move and it almost feels like he’s kissing me back. In this moment, I feel like I’m experiencing pure bliss for the first time. This happiness is short-lived when Alex grabs onto my wrists and pushes me away.

“Lani, stop! What are you doing? I’m your brother!”