These Butterflies

I want to beg him to listen to me, but our mother comes in before I get a chance to explain myself.

“What’s going on? What’s all this screaming?”

This is supposed to be between Alex and me, no one else. I pull my wrists out of his grip and run outside. I run until my lungs burn and my legs ache. Trees are surrounding me from all around. My legs give out and I fall to the floor, burying my face in my hands as I begin sobbing uncontrollably. I was afraid he’d react this way. I was always scared he’d think I’m insane for feeling this way. Is this better than never knowing? Is it better actually knowing he’ll never want me like I want him? In this moment, I can’t get myself to believe that. I’m in too much pain.

The frosty weather begins giving me goose bumps, but I don’t move from this spot. I’m going to stay here until I run out of tears, even if it takes all night.

It’s almost an hour after I ran out that I hear footsteps. I look up, but nothing is standing out. Then I hear his voice.

“Lani? Are you out here?” I don’t respond. I only sniffle and I think he hears because he stops in his tracks. “Hello? Lani, was that you? Talk to me.” I bite my lip and watch as the light of his flashlight searches for me frantically. It’s coming from behind. When it finally lands on me, I begin to hear his footsteps again and the light intensifies. It’s much brighter than the soft illumination of the moonlight and I squint because it stings my eyes. He crouches down and puts his hand on the side of my face. “Hey, are you okay?”

“No,” I respond honestly.

It’s clear that my answer upsets him, but he composes himself quickly and says, “You feel really cold.” He takes off his jacket and wraps it around me.

I feel so numb that I don’t fight as he helps me stand and begins to walk me back to the campsite. He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t know what to say if I was in his position either. How would I react if Chris or Matt told me they were in love with me? I wouldn’t know how to react, what to say. I wouldn’t be the same around them. It would ruin our relationship. My eyes well up with tears. Did I just ruin my relationship with my best friend?

I try to force the tears from spilling over. Alex isn’t like me. He isn’t going to react the way I would have. He will fight for our friendship to stay strong. He’s a better person than me, always has been. It’s one of the reasons why I love him so much.

We’re close enough now that I hear the crackling of the campfire and I realize that Alex had his arm around my shoulders the whole way back.

“We’re going to leave earlier than we planned,” he says.

“Because of me?”

He doesn’t answer. “We’re leaving first thing in the morning so try to rest, okay? You’ll be in a cabin with mom and dad.”

I stop and turn to look at him. “And you and Melissa?”

He shoves his hands in his pockets nervously. “…We’ll be in the other cabin.”

“You just can’t get enough of her, can you?” My misery can be heard in my voice. I’m letting my heartache get the best of me.

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

I roll my eyes in frustration. “Nothing,” I mumble. I’m about to walk away but he holds onto my arm.

“No. You’re upset. I’m not just going to pretend that nothing is going on.”

“Why not? It’s not like you haven’t before.”

“Lani, that was never on purpose. You know that. You can’t just expect me to know what’s going through your head. I won’t until you tell me yourself.”

“Last Saturday, when mom and dad were out, I came home early and I saw you with her,” I tell him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“You’re lying. I saw you having sex with her.”

He looks at the ground like he’s uncomfortable. “You saw wrong.”

“I know what I saw.” He avoids eye contact with me and that’s when I ask, “Did you have sex with her again, when you two were out in the woods alone?”

He won’t answer. I throw his sweater on the ground and walk towards the cabins. I hear him rush behind me to catch up. “Lani, the last thing I want to do is hurt you,” I hear him say.

“Then why are you the only one that does?”

“What can I do to make you feel better?” he asks desperately. “I’ll do anything.”

I give him the only honest answer. “I want you to tell me that you love me.”

His eyes gleam with tears. He scans my face for a different answer, but he doesn’t find anything. I feel like my heartbeats are getting louder as the moments drag by. His lips part and I brace myself for what he says next. “I can’t… I’m sorry.”