These Butterflies

He tries pulling me towards him to wrap his arms around me but I push him away.

I don’t want to see his face anymore so I stare at the ground. “I’m tired.”

We both stand there in the quiet before he suddenly starts heading to the cabin. I follow close behind. My parents and Melissa are outside, but they don’t say anything. Alex leans against the entrance with his hands in his pockets and a sympathetic look in his eyes. I place myself on my mattress and watch as he chews anxiously at his bottom lip. This isn’t want I wanted. I didn’t want to confuse him, or hurt him more than he already is. I just hoped that somehow everything would fall into place when I told him, that maybe he’d realize he could feel the same way, but I feel like I’m just making everything worse for him. I should have never told him.

“I want us to pretend like none of this ever happened,” I say.

He sighs. “I can’t do that…”

I strive to keep the tears from forming. I watch as he stares at his feet and suddenly straightens himself up. He steps outside and I suddenly realize how drained I feel. And when my head touches the pillow, it doesn’t take long for me to fall unconscious.

I probably only had a few hours of sleep because the sun is barely coming out when I awake. I’m still drowsy but my brain is racing with thoughts that I can’t stop no matter how hard I try, and I come to a conclusion that I’m not going back to sleep any time soon. My parents are in the other bed and I try not to make a sound as I tip-toe to the exit. The weather is still chilly, but definitely not as cold as last night. I realize the campfire is still crackling and when I glance over at it, I see someone familiar sitting across from it. I look around and I’m surprised when I see that Melissa isn’t with him.

I cross my arms, attempting to trap my body heat as I approach him from behind. He turns his head towards me but stops when he sees my feet. I walk around the fire until I’m across from him and place myself on the ground.

I can tell he didn’t sleep. He didn’t sleep at all. I watch as he fights to keep his bloodshot eyes open. I bite my bottom lip. After a few minutes of silence I say, “You should really get some sleep.”

He shakes his head. “I can deal with it. I’m fine.” I know that no matter what I say he isn’t going to listen, so I don’t say anything back. I hold my hands up closer to the fire. “You’re cold, aren’t you? Do you want my jacket?” he asks. I nod diffidently and he gets up to walks over to my side of the flames. He puts his jacket over me and places himself next to me. His jacket is cozy and warm from his body heat and I can’t help but notice it’s carrying his soft, pleasant scent.

He takes in a deep breath, like he’s finally gathered the nerve to say something. “How long have you… felt this way?”

I shrug. I turn to him, but he’s facing down and fiddling with his thumbs. He’s just confused and I just want to make things easier for him. I turn away. “When my friends started noticing boys, I started noticing you…”

“And what exactly do you think you feel?”

“I don’t think anything. I know I’m in love with you,” I respond. “I’ve never been so sure of anything.”

“Maybe you’re just confused,” he says quietly but I can tell he’s dying for his words to be true. I can see the wild desperation in his eyes. He’d change anything if it meant I wouldn’t feel this way anymore, but there’s nothing he can do to change my mind. I’ve tried everything already. I’ll never stop feeling this way.

“I’m not confused, and I’m sorry this is just so inconvenient for you.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He gets closer and gently places his hand on my knee but his touch only makes me more nervous, and it isn't comforting in the way he thinks it is. “Lani, you know that I-”

“Just don’t. Please.” I'm so tired of him trying to make up an excuse. I don't want to hear it. He makes me so weak that I know I will agree with anything he says and I just want a little more time to figure out what to do next without him making me feel more conflicted.

He sighs and shakes his head. “How do you know this isn’t just going to go away? How do you know that you’re… in love with me?”

“Because I just can’t deny it anymore. Because you’ve been with me all my life, Alex. I know you better than anyone else does. I’ve seen sides of you that no one has seen. I love who you are, and that will never change.”

He turns his body away from me. “…Are you sure?” He glances at me and I nod. He sighs before getting up and shoving one into his pocket and rubbing his neck with the other. “I need to get some sleep.” And then he walks off without another word.