These Butterflies
A Split Second.
I keep my head down and quickly slip through the swarm of people surrounding me to get to my destination.
Like every passing period before this one, I hear calls of my name coming from every direction and I ignore it until I’m finally far away enough that the noisy hallways drown them out. This isn’t like me, but I don’t even know who I am right now, and that is the only solid thing I’m sure of. The door of my next classroom finally comes into view but someone behind me taps my shoulder, forcing me to a stop.
“Hey Alex,” my friend greets.
“Hey Preston,” I say back.
“Look man, I don’t mean to make you upset but I saw Connor walking your sister a few periods ago.”
“Oh.” I’m not quite sure how to respond. If I had heard this same news only a few days ago, I’d be furious, but everything is different now. I’m not scared Connor will hurt my little sister anymore. He can’t hurt her because she’s not in love with him, and she will never be. She’s in love with… me. I try to shake the thought from my head. “I’ll talk to her about it…”
He seems slightly confused by calm way of handling what he just told me, but he doesn’t put much thought into it. I’m thankful when he doesn’t push me for information. “Alright, cool. I’ll see you around, man. Gotta get to class.”
“Yeah,” I say. He pats my back and continues on his way. I hurry into my classroom before anyone else can stop me.
By the time the bell rings, I have my notebook open to a blank page. I probably won’t write anything. I haven’t written anything all day. Everything I’m hearing goes in one ear and out the other. I can’t focus on anything. All I can do is wonder why Lani would let Connor walk her. I know for a fact she’s not interested.
“Is that you?”
I look up, my eye brows pushing together in confusion. “What?”
The girl sitting next to me points at my binder. I think her name is Juliet. I’ve never really spoken to her. I look at my binder. An old photo of my sister and I lies under the plastic cover. I forgot it was there. I can’t even remember when I put it there. “Yeah, that’s me.” I force a small grin. I stare at the picture for a moment and muse over my childhood friendship with my sister. The background is colorful with vibrant lights and I remember it was taken at a carnival. Lani looks about two, so I was probably three or four. She looks adorable. Pink cotton candy surrounds her little mouth. I have my arms wrapped tightly around her. It almost looks like I’m hurting her and I’m mad when I recall that no one told me to loosen my grip, but her eyes are so full of happiness that it takes away the worry.
“Who’s she?” She points at Lani.
“My little sister,” I say, my tone nostalgic.
“That’s so cute. Are you guys close?”
I don’t know what to answer. Again, I’d have an immediate answer if I was asked this before yesterday. Everything was much less complicated. I wish my sister was just confused, but she seemed so sure of what she was saying… She’s in love with me. I almost choke on my own breath from just the thought of it. No matter how many times I repeat it in my head, I still can't fathom the idea.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Juliet presses her lips together and I look back at the picture. She’s in love with me, I repeat in my head. I don’t know what to do with myself. Somehow I can’t get myself to process this fact. As wrong as it is, I hate that I can’t feel the same way back. I hate that I can’t make her happy.
I bury my face in my hands. I start thinking about the kiss, the one she gave me in the cabin. I know it was her first kiss. She would have told me if she kissed anyone else. It was so courageous of her. I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to do the same if I was in her position. I’d probably go crazy, dying to let it all out my entire life. But in a split second, she confessed her feelings for me. She changed everything. I start to wonder if she noticed… when I kissed her back. It was only a few moments, but I can’t stop thinking of the possibility that she felt my lips move with hers. I almost wanted to pull her closer. It just felt so right, but I knew it was wrong. That’s why I had to push her away. I broke her heart that night, and I wish I was someone else so that I could beat myself up.
This is so ridiculous and unfair. She’s incredible, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life; any guy in the world would be lucky to have her, and I hate myself because I’m hurting her. I hate myself for not being in love with her, but maybe it’s better that I’m not. Maybe if she finds out what I’m really like, she’ll realize I’m not what she wants. Maybe she’ll fall out of love with me. Part of me wants that, but a bigger part of me dreads that. The only thing that worries me more than the fact that she’s in love with me, is the possibility that I’ll let her down as the man of her dreams or her brother. I’d do anything for her. Anything.
Like every passing period before this one, I hear calls of my name coming from every direction and I ignore it until I’m finally far away enough that the noisy hallways drown them out. This isn’t like me, but I don’t even know who I am right now, and that is the only solid thing I’m sure of. The door of my next classroom finally comes into view but someone behind me taps my shoulder, forcing me to a stop.
“Hey Alex,” my friend greets.
“Hey Preston,” I say back.
“Look man, I don’t mean to make you upset but I saw Connor walking your sister a few periods ago.”
“Oh.” I’m not quite sure how to respond. If I had heard this same news only a few days ago, I’d be furious, but everything is different now. I’m not scared Connor will hurt my little sister anymore. He can’t hurt her because she’s not in love with him, and she will never be. She’s in love with… me. I try to shake the thought from my head. “I’ll talk to her about it…”
He seems slightly confused by calm way of handling what he just told me, but he doesn’t put much thought into it. I’m thankful when he doesn’t push me for information. “Alright, cool. I’ll see you around, man. Gotta get to class.”
“Yeah,” I say. He pats my back and continues on his way. I hurry into my classroom before anyone else can stop me.
By the time the bell rings, I have my notebook open to a blank page. I probably won’t write anything. I haven’t written anything all day. Everything I’m hearing goes in one ear and out the other. I can’t focus on anything. All I can do is wonder why Lani would let Connor walk her. I know for a fact she’s not interested.
“Is that you?”
I look up, my eye brows pushing together in confusion. “What?”
The girl sitting next to me points at my binder. I think her name is Juliet. I’ve never really spoken to her. I look at my binder. An old photo of my sister and I lies under the plastic cover. I forgot it was there. I can’t even remember when I put it there. “Yeah, that’s me.” I force a small grin. I stare at the picture for a moment and muse over my childhood friendship with my sister. The background is colorful with vibrant lights and I remember it was taken at a carnival. Lani looks about two, so I was probably three or four. She looks adorable. Pink cotton candy surrounds her little mouth. I have my arms wrapped tightly around her. It almost looks like I’m hurting her and I’m mad when I recall that no one told me to loosen my grip, but her eyes are so full of happiness that it takes away the worry.
“Who’s she?” She points at Lani.
“My little sister,” I say, my tone nostalgic.
“That’s so cute. Are you guys close?”
I don’t know what to answer. Again, I’d have an immediate answer if I was asked this before yesterday. Everything was much less complicated. I wish my sister was just confused, but she seemed so sure of what she was saying… She’s in love with me. I almost choke on my own breath from just the thought of it. No matter how many times I repeat it in my head, I still can't fathom the idea.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Juliet presses her lips together and I look back at the picture. She’s in love with me, I repeat in my head. I don’t know what to do with myself. Somehow I can’t get myself to process this fact. As wrong as it is, I hate that I can’t feel the same way back. I hate that I can’t make her happy.
I bury my face in my hands. I start thinking about the kiss, the one she gave me in the cabin. I know it was her first kiss. She would have told me if she kissed anyone else. It was so courageous of her. I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to do the same if I was in her position. I’d probably go crazy, dying to let it all out my entire life. But in a split second, she confessed her feelings for me. She changed everything. I start to wonder if she noticed… when I kissed her back. It was only a few moments, but I can’t stop thinking of the possibility that she felt my lips move with hers. I almost wanted to pull her closer. It just felt so right, but I knew it was wrong. That’s why I had to push her away. I broke her heart that night, and I wish I was someone else so that I could beat myself up.
This is so ridiculous and unfair. She’s incredible, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life; any guy in the world would be lucky to have her, and I hate myself because I’m hurting her. I hate myself for not being in love with her, but maybe it’s better that I’m not. Maybe if she finds out what I’m really like, she’ll realize I’m not what she wants. Maybe she’ll fall out of love with me. Part of me wants that, but a bigger part of me dreads that. The only thing that worries me more than the fact that she’s in love with me, is the possibility that I’ll let her down as the man of her dreams or her brother. I’d do anything for her. Anything.
♠ ♠ ♠
So, this story got reported for "plagiarism." I just want everyone to know that all of the ideas in this story are mine. It really all just came to me. I apologize if it somehow sounds similar to anything else. I promise that if it does, it's by total accident. I know I used some lyrics on like, two chapters but I went back to give ATL the credit. I figured you guys would know that, but just in case. Yeah.Anyways, I pretty much planned out the rest of this story until the end and so far, this story is about halfway done:) How do you guys feel about this chapter? It's hard writing in a dude's perspective. This is the ONLY chapter I will write in Alex's point of view, so that's why it's pretty long. He's going to talk to Milan in a few chapters. What do you guys think will happen? Please, please, pleaseeee tell me! I'm excited for you guys to read the rest! :) PS. Look up The Downtown Fiction's "Super Bass" cover. It's incredible <3 And I know I told some people I'd update quick, but I've been really busy. Sorry!