These Butterflies

I wring my arm nervously as Alex approaches.

He looks at me in the eyes but suddenly looks away and leads me to the car without a word. After opening the door for me, he walks to the driver’s side but doesn’t get inside.

“What are you waiting for?” I ask too soon because that’s when I see her approaching.

“Melissa’s having dinner with us tonight.”

My body tenses up. “Great.” He pretends not to notice my sarcasm and opens the door for her. She sends me an unsure smile and I turn away just in time to ignore it. I feel bad. Maybe she's hoping to be friends with me or something after my apology but I just can’t get myself to fake a smile in return, not to the girl he’s in love with.

It’s silent until the roar of the car engine comes alive. We all remain quiet and edgy for about five awkward minutes before Alex finally starts the radio. I know he just invited her over as damage control after the horrible camping trip, but in all honesty, I don't think he's going to be able to fix anything. The damage is already done. I stare out the window the whole time.

The car comes to halt and I realize we’re finally home. When I look to my left, Alex is in the process of opening Melissa’s door. It isn’t until I see him slide his hand around hers that I rip my gaze away. I can’t seem to keep my eyes off of them for long. It’s like an addiction. I know it’s going to hurt, but I just can’t get enough of him. We get inside and my eyes follow them as they saunter up to Alex’s bedroom.

I decide to stop nurturing this irrational itch for my painful reality by ignoring these impulses but a realization strikes me. Melissa is so beautiful. I can’t understand why I’ve never noticed this before, and the inquisitiveness as to why starts to engulf my other thoughts. I take in a deep breath and attempt to get my mind off of it because suddenly, I can’t get the image of them, together and alone upstairs, out of my head while I stand here, envious and pathetic.

I go into the downstairs guest room, hoping that the different environment will help get my mind off of things. I get my math textbook out and try to get some work done but mostly I just stare at the assortment of letters and numbers that just look random and jumbled to me. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here but when I look at the clock on the wall, I find out that dinner begins in about fifteen minutes. I decide to go out into the dining room and help my mother set the table.

When the couple comes back down for dinner time, I stare at Melissa in awe. I wrap my arm around my stomach to keep it from turning. Her bright, hazel eyes are surrounded with beautifully long eyelashes that I’ve never noticed before. I don’t know when she started doing this, but she straightened her hair tonight. The way her hair falls vertically down the sides of her face brings out her gorgeous cheek bones… That’s when I finally notice what’s going on. She’s lost weight. A lot of it. Fast.

Her extra weight used to make her look inferior, but now… she’s in his league. I know that other people’s opinions have never mattered to Alex, but they’ve always mattered to me. I know that she’s always been beautiful. I just never wanted to admit it. I relied on other people’s vainness to make myself feel better. It was the excuse I needed to lie to myself. It’s all I had to try to convince myself that Melissa didn’t deserve him. I know that they’re both attractive, wonderful people and anyone that’s shallow would be lying if they said they didn’t agree with the fact that they look like they belong together.

After a brief prayer, everyone starts eating. I see Melissa hesitate to take the first bite of her meal. I start to wonder why Alex hasn’t said anything about her weight loss. I don’t know if he’s oblivious or if he just doesn’t care. Most guys don’t care what some girls go through to look that great. But that can’t be it, I tell myself. Alex would care if his girlfriend was starving herself. It will never be easy for me to admit, but he loves Melissa. He cares deeply about her health. Alex wouldn’t be okay with her going down a self-destructive path.

For the next half hour, I periodically glance up at Melissa to catch her picking at her food. I start to think I’m making assumptions and getting ahead of myself but when dinner is finally over, she excuses herself to the restroom as if she’s been waiting the whole time to do so. I find myself involuntarily tensing up. This absurd suspicion might have something to do with it but I have a strong intuitive feeling telling me that she’s not going in there for the right reasons. After a few minutes I decide to excuse myself as well and follow her steps. The door opens quickly and unexpectedly. Melissa looks surprised when she sees me at the doorway.

“You scared me,” she says. Her cold breath hits my face. An aggressive mint scent stings my nostrils. She used mouth wash, and I don’t think it’s because she had foul breath from dinner, because she barely ate at all. I think she’s trying to cover up a different odor. I’m slightly alarmed, and I’m silently praying that she didn’t self-induce vomit and that I’m just overreacting. I could definitely just be jumping to ridiculous conclusions. I barely know the girl.

I cross my arms nervously, scrambling to find the right words to say but all I can come up with is, “I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” she responds quickly. She’s about to walk away but I stop her.

“Wait…” She turns back to me. Alex stares at us from a distance but I ignore him. This isn’t about him. “Are you okay, Melissa?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I just… feel like something’s off.”

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m doing okay.”

“Alright,” I say, unconvinced. “But if you ever feel like you really need to talk to someone, I’ll do everything I can to help. Anything you say will stay between you and me, I promise.” I feel slightly short of breath when I finish my sentence. I’d understand completely if she didn’t believe a word I just said after everything I’ve done to her, but I hope she realizes that I’m being genuine.

She examines me for a few moments before saying, “I’m fine. Trust me.” She then walks away without giving me a chance to respond. I repeat her words in my head. I want to believe her, but I don’t. And I’m surprised at how worried I feel for her.

Melissa helps clean up the dinner table. When her ride arrives, Alex walks her to the front door. They wait inside for a few moments. It seems like he’s doing most of the talking while they say their goodbyes. I can’t hear what they’re saying but I see him cup her chin with his hand and kiss her softly on the lips. My mind flashes back to those short seconds in the cabin where my lips touched his. I remember how fast and hard my heart was beating. The taste of his lips made my knees go weak. I’d do anything to have that feeling again. He pulls away from Melissa, but his face is only millimeters from hers. He doesn’t say it loud enough for me to hear but I see his lips curve to the words “I love you.” It sends a sharp pain through my chest. It was silly of me, to think even for a moment that he’d actually give me a chance. He’d think I was idiotic if he ever found that I thought he actually kissed me back the night that I confessed how I felt. I wouldn’t blame him.

I’m just stupidly, hopelessly in love with him. I have so many emotions overwhelming me, but most of all, I’m angry. I’m angry that I can’t have him, that he’ll never be able to see me the way I see him. I’ll be connected to him forever but never in the way that I want. I’ll never compare to Melissa in his eyes, especially now that she looks like the cover of a magazine. I’ll never be as beautiful as her, especially on the inside. I have so many ugly feelings inside of me: jealousy, resentment, anger. If Melissa was in my position, she’d just want Alex to be happy. I, on the other hand… I just want him for myself.

Maybe it was just meant to turn out this way. I can’t make him happy like Melissa does. She’s forgiving and selfless. And I’ll never be able to change how selfish and bitter I am.

Alex turns to me and our eyes accidentally connect. I try to turn away so he can’t see what I’m feeling, but I’m not fast enough because I see my pain reflected in his eyes.