These Butterflies

I grit my teeth, struggling to keep them from chattering as Stephen walks me down the hall. I release a mouthful of air, a tiny cloud that spirals slowly before dissolving into the winter air. My teeth proceed to smack against each other rapidly. I shiver and thrust my cold fists into the pockets of my sweatshirt.

“Time has moved so fast,” he says. “Can you believe Christmas Break is in only three days? It feels as though nothing has changed since summer.”

“Yeah… Things just won’t change,” I respond melancholically. I quickly clear my throat, hoping to shove down the tinge of sorrow altering my voice, and try to change the subject before he notices. “Are you excited for break?”

“Yeah, totally!” he says enthusiastically. “I can’t wait for wrestling practice over break. I’ve gained fifteen pounds in muscle since last year and I think I have a good shot of making varsity with Alex this season.” He looks down at me. “Will you come to our matches like last year?” His eyes sparkle with enthusiasm.

I crinkle my nose, silently wishing he didn’t bring my brother up. “I don’t think so.”

He smile disappears. “Oh…” He knows Alex and I are having issues but everyone, even our parents, know that it’d be better not to bring it up at all. We reach the end of our trip and stop at the doorway. Stephen furrows his eyebrows and turns to me. “Hey, has Connor always been a part of your afterschool tutoring group?”

I mirror his expression. “No. Why?”

He tilts his head in the direction of the classroom. “Because he’s in there.” I look inside myself and sigh in disappointment when I spot the familiar disheveled blonde hair from behind. “Have you talked him to him lately?”

I turn back to Stephen. “No, and I don’t plan to.”

He pushes his lips to the side thoughtfully before saying, “Oh. Well, try not to let him distract you. Your math final is coming up soon.”

“I won’t,” I promise.

“Alright, good luck.” He gives me a side-smirk. “You’re gonna need it because I’ve seen your grade in that class.” I frown and stick my tongue out which causes him to laugh. “Can I walk you tomorrow too?”

I smile softly. “Sure.” His lips expand into a broad grin before he leans in to hug me. When he pulls away he smiles at me once more before heading in a different direction. I turn back to the classroom and drag my feet to the only available seat, the one directly behind Connor.

He’s too busy flirting with the girl next to him that he doesn’t even notice me as I sit down. She’s probably the reason he’s in here. He strokes her face gently and she looks down shyly.

“You look really nice today.”

The corner of her mouth lifts suddenly but slightly. “You’re sweet.”

I realize I know who she is. Her name is Connie. She’s a sophomore in my class. She’s normally a really smart girl, even helped me with my homework a few times. I’m not very surprised she came for the extra help. She’s missed about a month of school, but I wouldn’t blame her if she took a whole year off. I heard her older brother passed away. My heart broke for her when I heard the news. It hit so close to home. I’d be a wreck is I lost any one of my brothers.

“Okay we’re about to begin. If you’re not here for the class, please exit the room,” says Mrs. Taylor as she makes her way to the whiteboard in the front facing all the desks.

“My place afterwards?” Connor asks, probably confirming previously made plans. Connie nods. She then closes her eyes as Connor leans over his desk to press his lips against hers.

I can’t help but find his actions sickening. It’s tiring watching him take advantage of the most emotionally fragile girls at school. I suppose he has to prey on their vulnerability, because anyone in the right state of mind can easily see right through him. His goal isn’t hard to figure out. I just don’t understand how anyone could possibly fall for him.

Connor gets up and coolly walks out of the class, causing my blood to boil. I can’t stand how he can just walk around, lying and playing with girls’ minds, without a single care. I’m too frustrated to remain seated and I know I won’t get anything out of this session so I quickly follow Connor’s footsteps.

He spins around only seconds after I storm out of the room. “Milan? What are you doing here?”

“What’s wrong with you?” I blurt out angrily.

A look of confusion comes over him. “Are you mad because I don’t know why you’re here, or did I do something wrong again?”

I try not to roll my eyes. “Connie just lost her brother. Don’t you think this is crossing the line? She’s not strong enough to handle your games right now. What you’re doing is cruel.”

“Helping her get through it is cruel?” he questions, and he almost sounds genuinely puzzled.

“You think taking advantage of her is ‘helping her get through it’? She’s fifteen, Connor, and she’s in pain.”

“I know that, okay? But she came to me for comfort, and that’s what I’m giving her. I don’t know why you think I’m taking advantage of her.”

“Because it’s what you do, Connor. She’s not in a good place right now and you are an expert at deceiving. You know exactly what to say to girls to get what you want.”

He looks down and asks, “If that’s the case, why do you hate me so much?”

“I don’t hate you,” I say. “I just hate that you don’t mean anything you say. You’re used to always getting what you want and you don’t care what happens to anyone else.”

“Is that what you really think of me, Milan?”

“…Yes,” I respond after a few moments of careful thinking. My voice almost shakes, but I manage to keep it steady.

He slowly lifts his gaze until his gray eyes meet mine. I’m taken aback by how soft they are. Usually they’re authoritative, capable of an intimidating stare. I search for familiarity but find nothing of the sort and I’m left with a strange, mystifying willingness to trust. “Well then you don’t know me at all,” he says gently, and I suddenly feel like I’m talking to a completely different person. His eyes scan mine briefly. “Goodbye Milan.”

Before I get a chance to compose myself enough to respond, he continues in his previous direction. His footsteps ring in my ears and a question lingers on the tip of my tongue- who is Connor Payton?