These Butterflies

“Good morning beautiful,” greets my oldest brother, Chris, as I reach the end of the stairway.

I gulp nervously, searching his eyes for a sign. Does he know? Did Matt tell him about Alex and me? His broad grin seems genuine, and I can’t decide whether he’s upset or not. Is he waiting for me to confess? I smile back cautiously. “Good morning Chris.”

He bends down slightly to hug me, but I still have to stand on the tips of my toes to meet him halfway. Over his shoulder, I catch Matt’s glance but then he looks away, sticking his tongue into his cheek. He sighs before returning to the kitchen. My gaze follows his tense fists.

I hear footsteps behind me and turn around quickly. Alex is coming down the stairway, all dressed up in a handsome suit, but I can’t stop myself from fixating on the terrified look in his eyes. I wonder if Chris can see it too. Maybe I’m the only one who knows him well enough to notice it… Maybe I’m just imagining it, because if I’m being honest with myself, I see exactly what I feel inside. Last night was incredible, but neither of us had enough time to figure anything out. And now everything that could have been might have just been destroyed.

“Hey Alex,” says Chris, but Alex doesn’t seem to know how to respond. He stands frozen, examining Chris for moments that seem eternal. “Are we still asleep?” Chris jokes, before gathering him into a hug.

Alex’s fearful eyes tear into mine. “He doesn’t know,” I mouth and I seem to relax him slightly.

“Did you miss me?” Chris jokes again.

“Yeah,” Alex exhales quietly, an anxious half-smile curving his lips. His shaky hands disappear into his front pockets.

“Alright, let’s go eat!”

Alex and I follow behind Chris timidly, our heads lowered. We sit around the table without saying a word.

“Isn’t this wonderful?” our mother says. “I adore having the whole family together for a meal.”

Alex clears his throat suddenly. “Why didn’t Lani and I know about this visit?”

“Sorry Alex, was it too unexpected?” Matt asks. It may seem like a casual response to everyone else here but Alex and I know that there’s much more to his words. We catch the hint of disdain in his voice.

“Actually Matt and I didn’t even know,” Chris adds, saving us from further torment. “I went to his school and we just decided it’s been too long since we’ve seen all of you so we jumped in my car and came. We thought it’d be nicer to just surprise you.”

“Yeah, because surprises are always good,” Matt mumbles. Alex and I don’t say a word.

“Come on, guys. Wake up!” Chris says playfully, but he doesn’t understand. We’re not quiet because we’re tired. We’re keeping our mouths closed, hoping we don’t provoke Matt.

*

I’m trying really hard to tune my entire surroundings out. My angry brother, the bible burning the top of my thigh, the man in the front of the room who’d tell Alex and me our actions will send us to hell if we continue.

I look down and slightly to my left. Alex digs his fingers into his leg. I can see he’s struggling to remain sane as well, but after a few more minutes, it all becomes too much for him to handle. He stands suddenly and quickly leaves the room, entering the hallway. I gulp. It takes me a few moments to gather the nerve to go after him.

I hurry outside, but he’s no where in sight. I run my fingers through my hair, wondering where he could have gone. I exhale in frustration and flop onto the curb. Where could he be right now? My eyes glue themselves to the sky, and something crosses my mind.

I rush back inside and I’m surprised I still know where the stairway is. I haven’t gone to it in a very long time, and Alex had always been the one to lead me here. I start climbing up and soon, my brain is flooded with memories of my childhood.

“Hey, I found something really cool,” Alex had said enthusiastically. He was about twelve. His voice was noticeably higher back then. “Do you want to come see it?” He then took me up to the roof for the first time, pulling my hand as he ran. Ever since that day, we used to sneak up there all the time. We’d sit there as long as we thought we wouldn’t be missed and just tell each other our secrets. It was just us two. No one ever knew we were up here. I don’t know when it all stopped, but we created memories that I will never forget.

I push the heavy door open and step into the sunlight. Alex is several feet ahead of me, closer to the building’s ledge. He was staring at the passing cars before noticing my presence. I wring my forearm nervously.

“What are you doing up here?” he asks.

“Looking for you.”

He’s quiet for a while. “Well, I’m fine. You can go back now.”

“Alex I know you’re not fine.”

“So what do you want to hear?” he asks, hesitating with every word he says. He doesn’t want this conversation to continue, and I don’t know what he’s afraid of.

“The truth,” I tell him.

He takes in a deep breath and looks everywhere except at me. “I can’t sit there and… listen to God’s word knowing what I did last night.”

I respond quickly. “We didn’t do anything wrong-”

“Are you not listening to me?” he shouts. “Everything about it was wrong. I let myself get lost in my emotions. Lani, I love you so much… but not in that way. I’m not supposed to love you that way.”

I put my hands on either sides of his face and make him look at me. “Stop doubting this, please. Don’t let Matt confuse you.”

“But he’s right. This shouldn’t be happening. I should be protecting you from all of the wrong guys until you find the right one-”

“You are the right one,” I tell him, fighting back tears.

He shakes his head. “I can’t do this.”

My vision blurs and I can’t hold it in any longer. “I wouldn’t change last night for anything.”

“Last night was a mistake-”

“How can you say that? I gave myself to you. How can that not mean anything to you?”

“I’m not saying it didn’t mean anything!” he shouts, frustrated. His eyes get glossy with tears. “Last night was…” He stares into my eyes. “Amazing.” He sighs before continuing. “It was amazing. You’re flawless and I love you and I’ve never felt so close to anyone… but it can’t happen again.”

“Don’t say that.”

He stares at the ground sadly, unsure of what to say. I do next what I hope will make it easier for him to realize that this will all be worth it in the end. I press my lips to his but he pushes me away, and the rejection hurts me just as much as it did the first time. “Lani, don’t. Please. You’re making this harder than it already is.”

“Let’s just talk,” I beg. “I know we can work this out.”

“I don’t want to talk. My head isn’t in the right place,” he says, “I just want to be alone.”

“Alex, please.”

“I can’t.” He pulls away from me completely and all I can do is stand there and watch as he walks away.