These Butterflies

I can hardly keep myself from collapsing.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t breathe. My vision is so blurred that my restless efforts of rubbing away the tears do nothing but irritate my eyes even further. Eventually I am able to make out enough through the darkness to know the neighborhood park is ahead of me. I wrap my arms around my throbbing stomach but the pain doesn’t subside. I stumble a few more feet before falling with my back against a tree. A tiny drop of water lands on my face, then another, and another. I crinkle my nose as the drops start falling at a more frequent pace. I realize I scraped the back of my arm against the rough bark when I hit the ground, ripping my dress’s sleeve in the process. I rub the torn fabric between my thumb and forefinger. Nothing is going right, and every other little thing seems so much worse than it is. I just ruined one of my only good church dresses. The back of my arm is burning. The man of my dreams doesn’t want anything to do with me. I decide to not fight it anymore. I remain on the floor with my face buried in my hands. I feel so alone. I just want to cry myself out.

I don’t look up for a long time, not until I’m almost out of tears. I have to because it’s when the last voice I want to hear rings in my ears. “Milan?” It’s Connor. “What’s going on?” His gray eyes stay on me. His hair is damp, and I realize mine is too. I pull my knees to my chest self-consciously. I must look like a complete mess right now.

“Please just go away.”

“I’m not leaving you here all alone.”

My throat is dry. I feel so drained. I can’t even find the right words to say. I look up as he towers over me, but then I notice something behind him. I glance over at the three blurry but similarly shaped figures in the distance. My vision focuses slightly. It’s three boys, hands in their pockets and heads tilted back. I look back at Connor. “You should get back to your friends. I think they’re waiting for you.”

He glances back and hesitates. He sighs. He turns back to me and then returns his gaze to his friends. “Go away!!!!” He’s holding a football and throws it skillfully in their direction. I hear them all grumble something, but all the voices merge into one and I can’t make out anything they’re saying. They don’t want to leave without Connor. “Seriously!” he shouts. “Leave!” The boy who caught the ball yells something back but I don’t pay much attention to know what he said. He then turns and walks away as the other two follow on either side. He turns back around. “Okay, now you’re the center of my attention,” he says. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I sigh. “I just want to be on my own.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he says, “and I’m not leaving until you come with me.” I realize I’m trembling from the freezing weather, and that’s when I decide to give in. The rain is falling a little harder than before and I know it’s only going to get worse. Besides a cold, I’ll get nothing out of staying out here alone.

“Where do you want to take me?” I ask.

“You can spend the night at my house if you don’t want to go home,” he offers slowly. His eyes examine me cautiously.

I know it’s a terrible idea, but so many thoughts are rushing through my head that I don’t even care. “Okay,” I say. He smiles softly and helps me stand up.

“My car is only a few blocks away,” he says. We continue to walk in silence. “We should go a little faster,” he suggests. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

“No. I’m fine,” I say stubbornly. I push my wet hair out of my face and then I wrap my arms around myself, attempting but failing to stay warm. “Do you want my jacket?” he asks suddenly, noticing that the lack of my own is causing me to suffer. I shake my head, but he doesn’t listen and wraps it around me anyways. I think about giving it back, but when I remember the icy pinch of the wind I’ve been receiving, I just pull it tighter around my shoulders.

I keep my eyes on my shoes until we get to Connor’s car. I look up as he unlocks and the opens the passenger side door. As I place myself in the leather seat, I begin to realize how irrational I’m being. I watch Connor through the window as he casually jogs around the car to the driver’s side.

Maybe I should just go home, I think to myself. Maybe this is a huge mistake.

“Please take me home,” I say softly, but the sound of the car engine drowns out my request.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear. What was that?” he asks.

As I’m about to repeat my words, I remember everything Alex said all at once. “You’re never going to make me happy,” he said. “She can give me everything I’ve ever wanted...” How can I go back and face him now?

“Never mind,” I whisper and he returns his eyes to the road.

My gaze remains on the foggy window and I watch the raindrops race down the glass, leaving behind stripes that slowly get swallowed by the mist once more. I fixate on this pattern so passionately that I start to forget where I am. I snap out of my trance when the storm’s intensity begins to dwindle and the pattern is almost non-existent. When I turn to my left and see Connor, confusion engulfs me for an entire second. Little did I know, it was the only moment of rationality I would have around Connor. I questioned my surroundings, and it would be the only logical thing I would have done that night.

“Where are we going again?” I ask, my eyes examining the unfamiliar road ahead. I gulp. I don’t see many houses and I don’t recognize anything. I feel isolated with someone who I shouldn’t be in this situation with. What is tonight turning into? I don’t know the stranger sitting next to me. Is he someone I can trust? Is he someone safe or is he just the same, disgusting boy from before? I’m nervous, but it’s too late to turn back now.

“My house,” he says.

I’ve never laid eyes on it, but I’ve heard about Connor’s house and the wild nights held there. It lies on the top of the mountain behind our very own Martin Luther King High. I’ve heard about its amazing view above our city and the huge pool and the numerous empty rooms that anyone can go into for some privacy. I always figured the descriptions were exaggerated, but as we finally approach his driveway, I can see why everyone is so impressed.

Three balconies align horizontally on the top, the one in the center being noticeably larger. Sand-colored tiled steps lead to a tall and beautiful stained-glass front door. As I take a moment to take in the scenery all at once, I notice how ridiculously wide the building is. It’s monstrous.

“This is where you live?” I ask in awe. He chuckles quietly at my childlike admiration as he stops the car directly in front of the entrance. “Would your parents mind my unexpected visit?”

“Don’t worry. We have the house to ourselves,” he says. He says this so casually that it almost seems normal. Had my mind not been so numb from all the overwhelming emotions, I would have noticed the suggestive undertone to his voice.

“Where are they?” I ask obliviously.

“Harvard University.” Harvard, I think. That’s in Massachusetts, three thousand miles away from our Southern Californian city. They’re probably professors at the school. I wonder how long they leave Connor to be on his own. It’s probably why he gets away with so much. He steps out of the car immediately after his response. From what I can tell he doesn’t want to remain on this subject, and I decide not to push him for any information. He hurries over to my side of the car and opens the door, using only his arm to keep the rain from hitting him in the face. “Come on. Let’s hurry. I don’t want you to get too cold!”

I put his jacket over my head and step out of the car. He shuts the door behind me and uses the same arm to wrap around me as we race to his front door. He fumbles with his keys for a few moments before finally getting us inside. The lights flicker on and I become aware that the inside of his home is just as breath-taking as the outside. A huge chandelier hangs above us. Directly ahead of us, several yards away, is a wall-sized window where I can see a glowing blue pool swaying in the wind. On either side of us are staircases leading up to opposite sides of the visible hallway. Anything else deeper into both sides is a complete mystery to me, but there’s one thing I know for sure: this house is enormous.

I begin to question his family’s decision to live here, in this city. Why does Connor go to public school? He has so much. He should live in a city where everyone has the same kind of money his family does. This is such a boring place and we’re all so ordinary compared to him. I don’t understand why they’d pick here out of all their countless options.

“Do you want a little tour?” he asks as he leads me further into the mansion.

“No, thank you. I’m really tired,” I tell him.

“Oh.” He seems disappointed. “Do you want a room to rest in then?”

“Yes, please, if it’s no trouble.”

He smiles. “It’s not.” He walks towards one of the staircases and I follow close behind.

I take in a deep breath. “Am I spending the night?”

“You can do whatever you want,” he says, then he bites his lower lip like he’s holding something in. I decide to ignore it. He looks down before continuing forward. We reach the top. On either side of us are aisles that have about three or four bedroom doors on both sides. The hallways then bend farther back into the building. I’m starting to believe the structure will go on forever, but we don’t go much further. We walk only a few feet until we’re at the door in the center of both the staircase’s end. “Here’s my bedroom,” he says, turning the knob. “Personally, I think it’s the best room in the house.”

I understand why he says this as I get my first glance inside. It’s at least six times bigger than my own bedroom. To our left is an enormous bed with sheets and pillows that look like you can sink into them. A desk is on the far right corner with a doorway to a bathroom in the opposite corner. It’s all very simple and elegant. The whole window of a wall ahead of us has the majestic overlook of our city’s lights against the night’s darkness. I’m stunned at its beauty. I walk towards it mindlessly.

“Thanks,” I respond. He’s silent, but I don’t notice as my eyes trace over the tiny streets below.

“Your arm,” he says suddenly. He lays his fingers gently on my shoulder and examines the injury.

“I’m fine,” I say quickly. I put my opposite hand over it self-consciously.

“Let me take a look at it. You should let me clean it or put a band-aid over it, something.”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t really hurt anymore,” I tell him.

He stares at me wordlessly for a while. “Okay…” He scratches his head, unsure of what to say next. “I’ll be right next door if you need me.” As he turns and takes his first few steps away from me, I realize something.

“Wait!” I shout. He turns to look at me. I can feel my bottom lip quivering and I’m doing all I can to keep from crying. “I feel alone… the last thing I want is to feel alone…”

“…I won’t go until you want me to leave,” he promises.

My eyes well up with tears but he wraps his arms around me before they spill over. “I always run into you when everything feels like it’s falling apart.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel okay again,” he says. His rests his head on my shoulder. Tears begin streaming down my cheeks. I bury my face and hands into his chest. He suddenly kisses the end of my jaw bone, right under my ear. “I can make you forget everything tonight,” he says. He continues pecking me softly, creating a gentle trail that leads to my lips.

For a moment, I really do believe he’s trying to comfort me but then I realize that he’s just proving to me that every assumption I’ve ever had about him before was right. He’s only after one thing. I’m about to push him away, but what’s the point? Alex is all that I want, and I will never have him. I close my eyes. I give up.

When Connor’s lips meet mine, my breath gets caught in my throat. I dig my fingernails into my palm. I know this isn’t right. It doesn’t feel right. I should be kissing Alex.

I’m not in love with you.

His words won’t get out of my head. They taunt me and my slowly dying hope. I’m idiotic for having any hope at all. I was crazy if I thought things would ever get further than last night. I’m stupid and worthless and I have no where to go but down, so what’s the point of anything anymore?

I press my lips hard into Connor’s. It feels so unnatural and I don’t know why I can’t stop myself. There’s no one around. I feel like I’m just losing my mind. I pull him with me until we land on his bed. My fingers clumsily make their way to his zipper. Connor, of course, doesn’t hesitate one bit. He goes along with it enthusiastically, and there is absolutely nothing else I would expect from him.